A Battle That I Will Win.

I was looking through our photo booth on our mac and found this picture on Sierra's iPhoto. I had to post it because it helps me remember the times when these two get along, and have fun without any altercations. It's hard to believe that this photo was taken sometime early last spring. This photo will be documented as a "lock it in moment" for me. Anytime they do something naughty in the future I can look back at this photo, and have a mommy mantra that'll get me through my "mean mom" phase. It helps me see two happy kids having fun taking pictures on our computer while I thought they were on PBS kids.org.  

Come to think of it...there's a reason why I'm always taking pictures. It's like therapy for me. 

But just remember that no one is perfect. That there is no mother that has it together, and that our life isn't always rainbows, and butterflies. That only God judges, and knows what truly goes on in our hearts, and in our mind...especially mine. 

That everyone has a battle they are fighting to win. 

Yesterday at church in our Relief Society class a lesson was taught on how we can overcome our weaknesses, and strive to do better with our life. Especially on the things that are keeping us from staying on the right path and fighting hard to not fall off of it. Although there are times when we'll have many a slip ups we can always repent and find our way back to eternal progression and try our hardest to never look back. This particular lesson was very emotional for me, and I feel like the Relief Society President and I are like kindred spirits because sometimes I feel we are on the same wavelength when it comes to discussing certain topics. We had a good discussion on looking back and remembering our baptism. Questions were asked about how we felt the day we changed our lives, and cleansed ourself from all the naughty things we had done in the past. Still...just because we got baptized doesn't mean that life is going to be perfect. Just because we got married or sealed in the LDS temple doesn't mean our marriages are going to be struggle free. Just because we have children doesn't mean they are going to make our life any easier, and just because we go to church every Sunday doesn't make us a perfect family. 

This is the part when I have to fight extra hard, and remember all those "lock it in moments" including the day our children were born, the day of my baptism, and being sealed to my family so that we can be strengthened on continuing that path towards the greater good so that we can reign with our loved ones including the Savior forever and forever. 

Although my kids say I'm the greatest mom there is that dark cloud that sometimes hovers over my head telling me different, and this is the battle that I feel keeps me from being that great mom. 

As a middle aged mother with a toddler life can somewhat take a toll on me especially when I'm keeping up with three older daughters, and even though my oldest is out on her own doesn't mean I don't worry, or keep tabs on her. It seems that the older I get I will always be their mother advising, calling, nagging (in a good way), and I'm hoping that once Sierra has met her eternal companion that will all change. I think I've gotten better at giving her time and space so that she can govern herself now that she's 19, but in the end I'll always be there for her (even when she's married!)

It's amazing to see how resilient my kids are after having raised my voice at them for misbehaving. Telling myself over and over again that I don't want to be the kind of mom that constantly yells or nags on them for the silliest things. I gave up a long time ago with Noah's toys being scattered all over the living room floor. Luckily he has learned to "clean up" on his own, and I give thanks to the cartoon "Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood" for that one. There is more to life than cleaning up legos, cars, trains, and every piece of matter that Noah brings in the house from outside. They are still happy even after reprimanding them and it makes me feel guilty because I grew up in a house where there was a lot of yelling, cursing, hurting, and screaming. I remember how quickly I'd get over the hurt my mother caused when she'd yell, and smack my sister and I with the belt. I remember how much it hurt and there is no way in hell that I'm ever going to go down that route with my kids. There's a reason why I don't own many belts come to think of it. Scars take time to heal, and the worst kind of abuse is the verbal kind. I know I'm not following down that path, but the physical kind is what I endured the most. 

There are times when one of the kids will do something that'll spark a repressed memory, and I have to fight the "old Rose" from coming out. Or times when my daughters are going through some petty drama with friends, and it reminds me of the times I had to deal with dumb girls like that in my teenage years. I remember my mother getting upset wanting to contend with those girls including their mothers, but the difference is that she didn't have a firm foundation of the Lord, or gospel to help her overcome those trials, or moments of extreme motherly overprotectiveness. 

I do. 

And I fight hard like hell not to make that happen. 

When those moments pass I thank the Lord for sparing any kind of desire that would cause me to take my anger out on my children, or contend with anyone. I have to admit that when Sierra was a toddler I began to hit her. I realized I needed some serious counseling when I left a red mark on her sweet face, and even though I received counseling I feel as if there are times when I can still use it. That's the dark cloud that often tries me from time to time. I have also cried my eyes out to the point where I've gotten a headache because I feel so guilty for being like my mother sometimes. I know that it's my turn to break that chain, and I'm fighting hard like hell to make it happen. I'm grateful for the faith that I have with God knowing that I can continue to heal from any trauma that I've witnessed, and suffered from my past. I want Noah to know that I'm not really mad when he got his brand new Toms muddy, and wet. Or when Lexie busted her G string on her violin from tightening it too hard last Christmas. I want Chelsea to know that the "mean" looks I give her are not hateful, but stern because I want her to learn right from wrong. I want Sierra to know that words said in anger are never meant, and that I would never backhand her sisters, or her brother like I did when she was little. I don't want to ever hurt my children in any way. I know how it feels to be beaten, hurt, and abused both physically, & emotionally. I don't want my kids to experience any of that. I want them to know that the battle I'm fighting is one that I will win, and that sometimes I have to be tested. But in the end I will fight like hell to pass it. (sorry for using the word hell to much.)

^^^ my jorgybirds, circa-Spring 2010 ^^^

I want them to know that I consider them my "jewels", and like stones they are priceless, precious, and very rare. That they are all of a different cut. That I love them all uniquely, but equally. 

Looking at these photos reassures me that I have amazing children that continue to love me unconditionally and have helped me keep it together no matter what. The older they get, the smarter they get, and the smarter they get the more they know how to handle a mom like me. I'm also grateful for a husband who has the patience like Job to have faith in me that I can do this. That I can fight those demons that cause any repressed memory to come back to haunt me. That I have broken this chain in it's entirety and never have any of our children hurt their future posterity, and so forth, and so on. 

That I will completely be healed from every single kind of abuse that I endured, every repressed memory that comes back, and never pass it on. 

That I can continue on that path to eternal salvation, and live happily with my family, friends, and God forever and ever. 

I pray. I pray.