GETTING A TASTE OF BEING ALONE.

I have been thinking so much of my mom lately simply because today marks the anniversary of Joe's passing.  Fall was in full swing back when she came to stay with me for a few weeks after he passed away, and because it rained so much today I couldn't help but to constantly have her on my mind. 

What can I say...

I miss my mom. 

Even though we talk on the phone twice a month it doesn't seem like enough, and it shouldn't be that way. I love my mom, and will always make time for her no matter what. I wanted to share a bit of how I've been feeling lately since Noah started school, and how it feels for all my kids to be in school now. 

To go along with this post I added some pictures back when we lived in Texas. My mother lived in Corpus Christi, and we lived in San Antonio. At that time in my life she always managed to stay connected. She was always the one making time for me, and because we were going to be moving back to Utah once Lexie was born she wanted to spend as much time with us as possible. I'm grateful that we captured these moments with each other, and memories with Sierra while she was little.  

Now for the short story...

The other morning I told Jon how I'm slooooooowwwwwly starting to feel how my mom felt once we were all gone, and how I'm beginning to feel how my mom felt once we all left the house. No more babies to raise, and being alone in a house for a few hours. Not technically, because Noah is still home with me until noon.  He likes entertaining himself with legos, drawing pad, and his train tracks. Of course I'm there for him on the sidelines front, hook, and center when it comes to growing up. I do however, have a hard time giving him his own space, but I'm getting better at that. I've gotten better at supporting him for being so independent since he began school this year. I'm just so lucky that he still likes to cuddle with me in the evenings before bed!

The three hours I have to myself seem to go by way too fast especially when i have to clean up after breakfast, have laundry to do, write in my journal, and just random things such as a friend calling to help take her on an errand. And endless sweeping!! I have ceiling fans in every room that run 24/7,  and because those fans blow dust I'm constantly sweeping throughout the whole house. Guess it's time to clean the fans!! I have hardwood floors throughout the house, except for a magic carpet in the living room, but nonetheless it gets done, and I just sweep, sweep, sweep. I"ll be so happy when I retire those fans once fall is in full swing. So being a stay at home mom doesn't require watching soaps, and eating hostess cupcakes all day. Then again...I"m so not into novellas!

A friend of mine has also asked me the other day if I could go back to work, and find a job. I was like, "who in the heck is going to hire me for three hours?" Not even three hours! More like two because I leave a bit early to put Noah on the bus, and have to make sure I'm at home when the kids get off the bus. Plus I have no motivation whatsoever to actually work in an environment where I probably won't be content working because all I'll be thinking about is my kids, and making sure their needs come before my own. Maybe one day I'll go back to work, or even school but in my opinion one must have the desire to go, and I don't have that drive at this time. Maybe later.

Anyway...

While we lived in North Carolina I was guilty of not seeing my mom as much as I should when she moved to be closer to us. I hated using the excuse of "the kids kept me busy", and no matter if we were 40 minutes away  I just didn't make too much time to see her in the two years we lived there. Here my mom gives up everything, and I mean everything (except her car) so she can live closer to us, and I hardly ever saw her. We did have lunch a few times, and the girls had a couple of sleepovers, but yet I felt as if that wasn't enough. And it want enough! There would be times when I would come over unannounced, and could see her from a distance through the window watching television looking a bit lonely. It was as if she had that look on her face of wondering why she moved here. 

My mom had hobbies such as gardening, and sewing and at times I felt bad because she wasn't doing that aa much once she moved to Notth Carolina. I hated knowing she was at home alone all day while Joe was at work, and that I didn't make more of an effort to come over. On the days that I brought the kids over her countenance changed. She'd cook, we talked, would go for a  drive, go window shopping. She was happy when she wasn't alone. 

There are days when I wish I could turn back time, and have a do-over with my mom. I think most of us daughters want that chance again to right all the wrongs we did in our younger years. Then again...I'm not sure if I'd be the daughter I am today had I not had that distant relationship, and experiences with my mama.  

Fast forward to 2015. 

Even though we are 1770 miles apart we constantly keep in touch. I wish she would have stayed with us when Joe passed away, but the transition was just too hard on her. I  still have hope that she will put her stubbornness aside and come live with us, but she says that as long as she can take care of herself she will do her best to manage on her own.  She has a few friends who keep her days fulfilled with activity. She tells me there's no need for me to worry about her. So far she's in a position where she can survive on her own on the limited income that she has. She truly is a survivor in my eyes, and after all that is said and done I know that she can hold her own. She truly is a brave woman, and I am proud to call her mom. 

One thing for sure, is that I hope to be just as brave as her once my nest is completely empty. I only hope that my future posterity won't live too far away! 
*All pictures were taken back in the fall of 1999. I can't believe how young we all looked!