Why I Wear "The Stitch."

Last spring I read about this incredible organization called Speak your Silence, and when I read about it including the founder of it I knew I had to somehow support, and be a part of it. The cause behind it really inspired me to open up even more about my childhood abuse, and to get involved. I have been inspired many times over with others opening up about their abuse as well as the founders story, and in starting up this organization. The fact that we are of different generations is mind boggling because it shows that time doesn't matter when it comes to abuse. It has been happening for generations. Abuse back in the 70's was something that didn't come out in the open, hence not having a clue as to how to deal with it. There was no social media back then where we can read articles to inspire us to come forward. We didn't have the resources then that we have now where we can call for help, and find ways to heal. I mean...who did we have the guts to talk to back then to tell what was happening to us? I know I didn't have anyone. I was too scared, and confused. 32 years ago I wasn't able to defend myself, or have the courage to say anything to anyone including my own mother (that came later.) Having this organization available today to bring awareness to those who have suffered from any kind of child abuse is a blessing, and I'm hoping that it will conquer the stigma of child abuse in hopes that others will find the will on their own to come forward, and to know they're not alone. Unfortunately it happens to so many of us, but in today's society it seems to be more common for children of our current generation to come forward and tell us that someone is sexually abusing them. I know that for me I have taught my kids that if something is being done to them in a way that makes them feel uncomfortable or  handles them in places that is inappropriate to never be afraid to tell anyone...especially me. The one thing I will say to them is never, ever think that I'll never believe them...because I will. 

In the past few months since learning about the stitch I have followed them on Instagram, and am amazed at how many people are opening up, and coming in for counseling. This is the reason why I purchased the kit, and why I support The Stitch because the cause is too real, and too important to be ignored. What I like about it is that the funds go to those who are in need of counseling, and I'll tell ya...if I can be of any help to them I'm there. I will always be on a mission to help find ways to conquer sexual abuse, and ways to find comfort in healing. Not all of us are lucky, and as I was reading a post on one of the grams about how someone committed suicide brought back memories. Memories of the time I attempted it. Like I said...the cause is too real. Whether you're a survivor, or a supporter it's so important to open our eyes because child abuse is never-ending. I always remind myself that I am a survivor, not a victim. 

There are moments where I look back at the time in my life when it all started, and how long it took for me to heal.  Times when I'll look at myself in the mirror, and say to myself I made it. I'm 43, and I made it. It seems surreal at times because of the way my life is right now. Moments when I say to myself that I found a life that is too good to be true. 

Therefore it's important to wear the stitch in a place that will remind me of how hard it took for me to get over the fear of opening up publicly 32 years later about my abuse. A place where I will be reminded of the strength it took to make it this far in life without turning into a complete mess. 

A place where it will never fade way...just like my story. 

These small matchbox kits has a red stitch sticker inside of them, and I decided to stick it on one of my journals to remind me of survival and strength. 

I love it, and boy does it feel empowering! 

With it being a new year it is my hope that more of us will come forward, and be unafraid to speak of any sexual abuse we may have endured. So that the healing process can be begin, because if I made it...so can you! 

Love to all. xxxooo

the conclusion about pornography at 700.

When I became a part of the social network (FB, IG, twitter) I had no clue what I was getting into. None. I am so old school & part of a stubborn generation where I personally didn't care about putting anything about my personal life online. 

After moving from North Carolina in 2008 I had numerous friends encouraging me to get a Facebook. I preferred the old school tradition...you know the snail mail phone calling (no technology) I liked it simple & easy. Nonetheless I finally gave into the peer pressure & went to town opening a twitter & Facebook account from my iPhone (didn't own a computer yet.) Pinterest & IG came shortly after purchasing our new computer. 

Then...

I joined the blogging community. Again having no idea what I was thinking or getting into I created an account, thought of our title that best suited our family & began to write. 

Blogging sounded like a lot fun & since I love to write & scrapbook I figured this would be an easier version to document my life so that others can receive that instant gratification with a click of a button. 

Little did I know I was going to get down to the nitty gritty & over share my life. Really...it wasn't planned. All I wanted to do was scrapbook & write about my family adventures online to make it easier on myself & for my children to remember their adventures. As I look back at my old posts I'm amazed at how far I've gotten in being honest & true about my life! 

And I'm glad that I am. 

Sooner or later my kids are going to know everything about me (and their dad) & so far my two oldest daughters know everything about my life thus far...not by reading it online, but by personally sitting down with them from time to time having one on one talks and discussions with them about why this happened, and how I did this when I was a youth. I know now that it's super important to be open, and honest with your kids about the "grown up" things so that way they will have an understanding of what not to do, or how to handle it if ever they find themselves in the same situation. 

Some parents may disagree, and keep their kids sheltered from "the world" or anything that they did in their past, and I'm telling you that in my opinion that is a mistake. My mother didn't share anything to me about anything until I was married, and had my firstborn. Unfortunately my grandmother didn't teach her about "boys" or "womanhood", and I honestly believe that everything my mom endured in her younger years was a result of what happened to me. I had no one around to help me through anything growing up, and because I was this shy kid I didn't have the heart to say anything to any grown up about what was going on behind the doors in my home. 

I learned what "not to do" from my mother, broke that chain of silence of sheltering my kids, and have been open with my firstborn since she was about 10 years old. I never trusted men, and so I told her at a very young age what happened to me, and to please tell me if she finds herself in a situation to let me and her dad know...and that we won't be mad. Most of all...we will BELIEVE her. So...talk to your kids about the happenings in the world, and why things happen. In other words...be a teacher to your children. 

And I am doing the same with my other kids. 

I look forward to teaching my son about porn and how addicting and wrong it is. Nowadays it seems like they are getting a hold of it at a very young age. Hopefully by then cable companies will require internet providers to pay for porn instead of it being easily accessed for free. 

This past Wednesday I posted a very sensitive & personal post that caught so many viewers attention. Now...I normally don't get excited about looking at the stats as to how many views I get on a post, but this one has got to be the most popular post that has ever been read & commented on. 

And I was extremely overwhelmed. 

I give thanks to everyone who commented and/or liked my post Pornography at 700. I've been blogging for almost three years now & had that post on a draft for almost two. I've always wanted to share my story only because the issue of pornography has become so prevalent & a damaging epidemic. 

They say all wounds heal with time & I testify that it's true. It may take years for someone to heal, and some may never get over it. Everyone is different, and the timing for one to heal about any "hard" burden varies, but I know that it can happen. I had my heart in finding an ailment since I was 16, and sought for every possible light out there. I know that there was something out there waiting for me behind all the darkness that was drowning my inner being, but luckily I found that perfect light at the age of 20. 

And I am so grateful.  

Sure there are times when I'll get a flashback of my molestation, but I don't allow it to linger. I am able to talk about it and let me tell you...there are so many souls out  there who knew the pain I went through. It feels good to know that I can be open & honest about my past, and to give them words of wisdom. I'm no therapist, but can be a friend. Just because I talk about it doesn't mean I'm still living in it. 

I just want to thank you again & again to who ever reads this blog. It feels good to know that it is not being taken for granted. 

I hope that regardless of what I post whether it's a cheesy picture of my kids with a post that doesn't seem blog worthy, or a serious personal one like pornography that you'll continue to stay with me. 

My posts all mean something to me & it's all being written for my posterity in hopes that they will read this after I'm gone.

It's also being written for you...yes you. 

So thank you to those 500 plus viewers that read Pornography at 700. It looks like more readers are still viewing it. I only hope that what I write will inspire you & never upset you. I also write in hopes that one can overcome and heal from any hard trauma they've endured because IT IS possible! I learn a lot from what I write as well as what YOU have to say. 

So don't be shy, keep reading, & comment from time to time. 

Thanks you & keep visiting!!

XO

Pornography at 700.

^^ the little house i grew up in Texas, circa- 1997 ^^

A year after my conversion to the LDS church I left Texas in December of 1993 to start my life anew in a different state. I vowed to never look back at the life I lived, and endured in Texas. I never thought I would ever look back and step foot on the lawn of the house I once called home. But I did. I needed to. I had to. For myself. To know that the molestation I endured there for five years was real. That the darkness I had been sheltering inside my mind was real. That none of it was a dream. To know that I wasn't insane. For peace. For closure.

And the year before my stepfather passed away...I did. 

I had forgiven him at that time. I was older and wiser. I had a family, and I knew that with the condition he was in there was no way he could hurt me. 

Anymore.

And all was well. 

Still...I wondered what on earth could have caused him to do such a thing. Maybe it happened to him. I'll never know, but I know this. The poison that was the culprit of this abuse was the fact that there were pornographic magazines in my home. For years I thought it was a dream. I wanted it to be. But it was reality. A reality that so many of us face today. A reality that can cause serious negative consequences to both male and female. A reality that is damaging to mankind. A reality that will hurt a marriage, and break up a family. A reality that is the literal poison of todays society.

That reality is... 

PORNOGRAPHY. 

As a 10 year old child you have no clue as to why a magazine would have a half naked girl on the cover. Even as a 14 year old...I didn't get it. Well at 42...I know now. It is poison. For years these pornographic magazines laid comfortably on the shelf above my head every time i went in to use the bathroom...where it was visible to everyone. 

Pornography was the damage to my household, my self image, and my well being. It destroyed my relationship with my mom which drove me away from her. It made me promiscuous as a teen, naive with boys, caused me to shoplift, drink, and lie. And at one point...I even attempted to take my own life. I count my blessings for my mother to have come home at the right time to rush me into the ER to get stitches on my wrist. It was painful. I cried. Even though I had friends there was no one I could tell, or wanted to know. It was then that I knew that if I continued to live this way in this small town with no one to bear my soul to...who knows what could have happened to me, or where I'd end up. I needed help & those were the ways I was crying out for it.

Pornography may be a normal, and fun "hobby" for some of us, and some may even say, "there's nothing wrong with it, it's harmless, and everybody looks at it." 

Well sorry, but I don't look at it. And never will. I'm a witness to how it affects a persons actions, & it is vicious.

The fact that it was in my home like it was no big deal was the biggest mistake my mom did as to allow my stepfather to have it linger in our home, let alone look at it. I know in the end we all suffered the consequences in some shape or form, and my stepfather suffered so much health wise until the day of his passing in 1998.

Forgiveness was rendered to my mother & our relationship was mended. 

I'm grateful for the things I learned throughout the years while healing from years of molestation. For the gospel that changed my life, and for the beginning of a new life that was saved, and changed for good.

That life was mine.

This experience has helped me teach my children that pornography is a problematic, poisonous, and addictive form of entertainment. It is not clean, or pure, and it can ruin you.

If you are someone who constantly looks at porn having unclean thoughts all the time then there is a problem. It is habit forming so please find a way to realize that these are serious issues & please get the help that you need. 

Every so often talks and lessons are given in our church from apostles, and the first presidency as well as members of our own congregation about the usage of pornographic material, and how damaging it can be. I'm glad that we have a church presidency who is fearless in discussing this worldwide issue, and to acknowledge that it is not good, and that it is a problem. It is easily accessed online & it is everywhere. 

I always wondered why I was so angry all the time even after joining the church. But knowing that I have a Father in Heaven helped me overcome all the bitterness, and anger that was harboring deep in my soul for so many years.  

The look on my face that you see in the picture above was a face of discontentment which harbored painful memories. 

The face I have now is that of forgiveness, love, strength, and courage. And I know that I have healed. No matter what other trials I may have, (and believe me I have them periodically) I know that with hope, and faith they too shall pass. Because they usually do. 

And I know that I will make it.

And I did. 

I have no regrets with everything that I've endured in my past. None. It has molded me into the person I am today. A person of imperfection, but ever loving. A mother who is overall a happy person with a wonderful husband, and pretty awesome kids. Sometimes I can't believe my life.

And I will forever be grateful to God for surviving it, and for the support I've gained from my family then, now and forever. 

"No matter how dark the moment love and hope are always possible."

~George Chakiris

**This talk on pornography given by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland is one of the lessons I taught in Relief Society two years ago, and it is a good one!  

too good to be true.

Sometimes there are days when I look at my life and the life of my children and ask myself, "Is this really my family? Did I make them, and raise them, and are they really that great?" Am I actually keeping it together after 18 and a half years? Does my husband really, stilllllll love me that much?"

No one is hurting them, or me physically or mentally. No one is damaging their self esteem. No one is wanting to run away, do drugs, drink, or even smoke. No one is harming themselves physically or inflicting any kind of pain on themselves, and although there may be tears...they are the kind that can be healed with a talk, a hug, a kiss, an "I'm sorry" or even a prayer.

What I have now, and how I'm raising my children is nothing compared to how I was raised and lived as a child.

They have a father who stays for better, and worse. Through the good times and the bad. One who heals, and loves...not hurts, or makes afraid.

Me...I've had several father figures in my life, and the one who practically raised me was the one that hurt me. He deceived me with the wrong kind of affection. One that would damage me throughout my youth, and even after I joined the LDS church. Those were the hardest years of my young life.

Although I feel that I overshare my personal life on this blog there are things that I'd rather not get into much detail, but here's a little bit of my molestation story, and why I sometimes feel that my life is too good to be true.

*****

my beautiful sis and me, circa-1982

This picture sure brings back a lot of memories. Memories of my sweet grandfather calling me "rosona feona"(which means ugly rose in spanish) Sounds so much prettier said in spanish than English huh? Luckily I was a resilient child and that those words never hurt! I sure loved my grandpa. RIP in grandpa.

Here he is in the background of this picture, and I honestly can't remember this picture being taken. All I remember by looking at this photo is what was hidden behind that smile. A child who was being hurt both physically and emotionally. And even though I'd giggle when my grandpa would call me "rosona feona" underneath those giggles was a lot of pain, confusion, and a lot of heartache. 

I am a victim of child molestation, and I have been wanting to share my story for quite some time. About a year ago I wrote this massive, thorough post about how it all began, and when it finally stopped. As I was about to add more touches to my post I decided to revamp it a little & then I accidentally deleted it. Blogger wasn't being very kind to me that day, and the post was irretrievable. I'm actually glad it was deleted because there was too much sadness in that post, and way too much detail. Maybe someday I'll share it with you in a book, but for now what you get is what you're going to read. 

I was a scared 10 year old little girl who had no clue what to do. Since my real father abandoned me when I was five, I wasn't sure if the love that my stepdad was showing me was the 'right kind'. Because my own mother didn't believe me I didn't feel the need to go to a teacher. Then again my stepdad told me to never tell because if I did he said that my mother would give me away, among other things. 

Being that it was a member in my family was shocking. I loved, and trusted this man as if he was my own father. I honestly don't know what triggered him to do such a thing then, but now that I'm older I have looked back and realized what could have caused him to do it. 

I feel comfortable telling a little bit of my story because my step-father has been deceased now for 16 years.  

Out of all the people in the world I couldn't believe this was happening to me because I always considered myself an ugly duckling. I mean look at me. I didn't have the Farrah Fawcett hair like my sister did, the trendy clothes, and I certainly was not the popular girl in school. I was thin, had bushy, curly hair, and dark skin. I got made fun of so much it wasn't even funny, and that sure didn't help with the situation that was going on in my personal life. 

Little by little memories of that time are coming back. Repressed memories can be a blessing and they sure have helped me learn how to deal with all that I endured as a young child. 

What happened to me was terrible, and I wouldn't want to wish it on anyone. Just know that if you've ever been a victim of child molestation, or any kind of sexual abuse know that you are not alone, or if someone is hurting you or touching you in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable, and you hear that still voice telling you that it's not right...don't ignore it, and please seek an adult. 

Generations are changing and it seems like a lot of the kids today are strong willed. I am a survivor, and if I can heal from this so can you. 

I have learned a lot from this life experience, and I have shared my story with a few close friends. I've certainly grown a lot from this situation, and even forgave my stepfather for what he did before he passed away in 1998.

I give thanks to God for sparing me, and for helping me through every slip up I have done in my life.

He has given me a great husband. He has helped me, and guided me through every situation that seemed unfathomable to overcome. He never gave up on me. I know that He was rooting for me on the other side of heaven, and that He is now clapping His Heavenly hands for enduring such heartache then, and for trusting me to be raising His children now. 

Is my life too good to be true? On some days it is, and this past week, I've had many of them. 

Still...there are days when I want to pinch myself so hard so that I can wake up & say to myself, "Is this life real?" Do I really have a life that is good? Do I really have a foundation for my children in which I continue to hope they will stand firm in? Do they really have this wonderful, father who will always love them, and not harm them in any way?" Or is this all a dream?"

Indeed I do, and it's not a dream.

"Scars reminds us of where we've been. They don't have to dictate where we're going." 

~Domenico Estrada