Pornography at 700.

^^ the little house i grew up in Texas, circa- 1997 ^^

A year after my conversion to the LDS church I left Texas in December of 1993 to start my life anew in a different state. I vowed to never look back at the life I lived, and endured in Texas. I never thought I would ever look back and step foot on the lawn of the house I once called home. But I did. I needed to. I had to. For myself. To know that the molestation I endured there for five years was real. That the darkness I had been sheltering inside my mind was real. That none of it was a dream. To know that I wasn't insane. For peace. For closure.

And the year before my stepfather passed away...I did. 

I had forgiven him at that time. I was older and wiser. I had a family, and I knew that with the condition he was in there was no way he could hurt me. 

Anymore.

And all was well. 

Still...I wondered what on earth could have caused him to do such a thing. Maybe it happened to him. I'll never know, but I know this. The poison that was the culprit of this abuse was the fact that there were pornographic magazines in my home. For years I thought it was a dream. I wanted it to be. But it was reality. A reality that so many of us face today. A reality that can cause serious negative consequences to both male and female. A reality that is damaging to mankind. A reality that will hurt a marriage, and break up a family. A reality that is the literal poison of todays society.

That reality is... 

PORNOGRAPHY. 

As a 10 year old child you have no clue as to why a magazine would have a half naked girl on the cover. Even as a 14 year old...I didn't get it. Well at 42...I know now. It is poison. For years these pornographic magazines laid comfortably on the shelf above my head every time i went in to use the bathroom...where it was visible to everyone. 

Pornography was the damage to my household, my self image, and my well being. It destroyed my relationship with my mom which drove me away from her. It made me promiscuous as a teen, naive with boys, caused me to shoplift, drink, and lie. And at one point...I even attempted to take my own life. I count my blessings for my mother to have come home at the right time to rush me into the ER to get stitches on my wrist. It was painful. I cried. Even though I had friends there was no one I could tell, or wanted to know. It was then that I knew that if I continued to live this way in this small town with no one to bear my soul to...who knows what could have happened to me, or where I'd end up. I needed help & those were the ways I was crying out for it.

Pornography may be a normal, and fun "hobby" for some of us, and some may even say, "there's nothing wrong with it, it's harmless, and everybody looks at it." 

Well sorry, but I don't look at it. And never will. I'm a witness to how it affects a persons actions, & it is vicious.

The fact that it was in my home like it was no big deal was the biggest mistake my mom did as to allow my stepfather to have it linger in our home, let alone look at it. I know in the end we all suffered the consequences in some shape or form, and my stepfather suffered so much health wise until the day of his passing in 1998.

Forgiveness was rendered to my mother & our relationship was mended. 

I'm grateful for the things I learned throughout the years while healing from years of molestation. For the gospel that changed my life, and for the beginning of a new life that was saved, and changed for good.

That life was mine.

This experience has helped me teach my children that pornography is a problematic, poisonous, and addictive form of entertainment. It is not clean, or pure, and it can ruin you.

If you are someone who constantly looks at porn having unclean thoughts all the time then there is a problem. It is habit forming so please find a way to realize that these are serious issues & please get the help that you need. 

Every so often talks and lessons are given in our church from apostles, and the first presidency as well as members of our own congregation about the usage of pornographic material, and how damaging it can be. I'm glad that we have a church presidency who is fearless in discussing this worldwide issue, and to acknowledge that it is not good, and that it is a problem. It is easily accessed online & it is everywhere. 

I always wondered why I was so angry all the time even after joining the church. But knowing that I have a Father in Heaven helped me overcome all the bitterness, and anger that was harboring deep in my soul for so many years.  

The look on my face that you see in the picture above was a face of discontentment which harbored painful memories. 

The face I have now is that of forgiveness, love, strength, and courage. And I know that I have healed. No matter what other trials I may have, (and believe me I have them periodically) I know that with hope, and faith they too shall pass. Because they usually do. 

And I know that I will make it.

And I did. 

I have no regrets with everything that I've endured in my past. None. It has molded me into the person I am today. A person of imperfection, but ever loving. A mother who is overall a happy person with a wonderful husband, and pretty awesome kids. Sometimes I can't believe my life.

And I will forever be grateful to God for surviving it, and for the support I've gained from my family then, now and forever. 

"No matter how dark the moment love and hope are always possible."

~George Chakiris

**This talk on pornography given by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland is one of the lessons I taught in Relief Society two years ago, and it is a good one!