the conclusion about pornography at 700.

When I became a part of the social network (FB, IG, twitter) I had no clue what I was getting into. None. I am so old school & part of a stubborn generation where I personally didn't care about putting anything about my personal life online. 

After moving from North Carolina in 2008 I had numerous friends encouraging me to get a Facebook. I preferred the old school tradition...you know the snail mail phone calling (no technology) I liked it simple & easy. Nonetheless I finally gave into the peer pressure & went to town opening a twitter & Facebook account from my iPhone (didn't own a computer yet.) Pinterest & IG came shortly after purchasing our new computer. 

Then...

I joined the blogging community. Again having no idea what I was thinking or getting into I created an account, thought of our title that best suited our family & began to write. 

Blogging sounded like a lot fun & since I love to write & scrapbook I figured this would be an easier version to document my life so that others can receive that instant gratification with a click of a button. 

Little did I know I was going to get down to the nitty gritty & over share my life. Really...it wasn't planned. All I wanted to do was scrapbook & write about my family adventures online to make it easier on myself & for my children to remember their adventures. As I look back at my old posts I'm amazed at how far I've gotten in being honest & true about my life! 

And I'm glad that I am. 

Sooner or later my kids are going to know everything about me (and their dad) & so far my two oldest daughters know everything about my life thus far...not by reading it online, but by personally sitting down with them from time to time having one on one talks and discussions with them about why this happened, and how I did this when I was a youth. I know now that it's super important to be open, and honest with your kids about the "grown up" things so that way they will have an understanding of what not to do, or how to handle it if ever they find themselves in the same situation. 

Some parents may disagree, and keep their kids sheltered from "the world" or anything that they did in their past, and I'm telling you that in my opinion that is a mistake. My mother didn't share anything to me about anything until I was married, and had my firstborn. Unfortunately my grandmother didn't teach her about "boys" or "womanhood", and I honestly believe that everything my mom endured in her younger years was a result of what happened to me. I had no one around to help me through anything growing up, and because I was this shy kid I didn't have the heart to say anything to any grown up about what was going on behind the doors in my home. 

I learned what "not to do" from my mother, broke that chain of silence of sheltering my kids, and have been open with my firstborn since she was about 10 years old. I never trusted men, and so I told her at a very young age what happened to me, and to please tell me if she finds herself in a situation to let me and her dad know...and that we won't be mad. Most of all...we will BELIEVE her. So...talk to your kids about the happenings in the world, and why things happen. In other words...be a teacher to your children. 

And I am doing the same with my other kids. 

I look forward to teaching my son about porn and how addicting and wrong it is. Nowadays it seems like they are getting a hold of it at a very young age. Hopefully by then cable companies will require internet providers to pay for porn instead of it being easily accessed for free. 

This past Wednesday I posted a very sensitive & personal post that caught so many viewers attention. Now...I normally don't get excited about looking at the stats as to how many views I get on a post, but this one has got to be the most popular post that has ever been read & commented on. 

And I was extremely overwhelmed. 

I give thanks to everyone who commented and/or liked my post Pornography at 700. I've been blogging for almost three years now & had that post on a draft for almost two. I've always wanted to share my story only because the issue of pornography has become so prevalent & a damaging epidemic. 

They say all wounds heal with time & I testify that it's true. It may take years for someone to heal, and some may never get over it. Everyone is different, and the timing for one to heal about any "hard" burden varies, but I know that it can happen. I had my heart in finding an ailment since I was 16, and sought for every possible light out there. I know that there was something out there waiting for me behind all the darkness that was drowning my inner being, but luckily I found that perfect light at the age of 20. 

And I am so grateful.  

Sure there are times when I'll get a flashback of my molestation, but I don't allow it to linger. I am able to talk about it and let me tell you...there are so many souls out  there who knew the pain I went through. It feels good to know that I can be open & honest about my past, and to give them words of wisdom. I'm no therapist, but can be a friend. Just because I talk about it doesn't mean I'm still living in it. 

I just want to thank you again & again to who ever reads this blog. It feels good to know that it is not being taken for granted. 

I hope that regardless of what I post whether it's a cheesy picture of my kids with a post that doesn't seem blog worthy, or a serious personal one like pornography that you'll continue to stay with me. 

My posts all mean something to me & it's all being written for my posterity in hopes that they will read this after I'm gone.

It's also being written for you...yes you. 

So thank you to those 500 plus viewers that read Pornography at 700. It looks like more readers are still viewing it. I only hope that what I write will inspire you & never upset you. I also write in hopes that one can overcome and heal from any hard trauma they've endured because IT IS possible! I learn a lot from what I write as well as what YOU have to say. 

So don't be shy, keep reading, & comment from time to time. 

Thanks you & keep visiting!!

XO

Pornography at 700.

^^ the little house i grew up in Texas, circa- 1997 ^^

A year after my conversion to the LDS church I left Texas in December of 1993 to start my life anew in a different state. I vowed to never look back at the life I lived, and endured in Texas. I never thought I would ever look back and step foot on the lawn of the house I once called home. But I did. I needed to. I had to. For myself. To know that the molestation I endured there for five years was real. That the darkness I had been sheltering inside my mind was real. That none of it was a dream. To know that I wasn't insane. For peace. For closure.

And the year before my stepfather passed away...I did. 

I had forgiven him at that time. I was older and wiser. I had a family, and I knew that with the condition he was in there was no way he could hurt me. 

Anymore.

And all was well. 

Still...I wondered what on earth could have caused him to do such a thing. Maybe it happened to him. I'll never know, but I know this. The poison that was the culprit of this abuse was the fact that there were pornographic magazines in my home. For years I thought it was a dream. I wanted it to be. But it was reality. A reality that so many of us face today. A reality that can cause serious negative consequences to both male and female. A reality that is damaging to mankind. A reality that will hurt a marriage, and break up a family. A reality that is the literal poison of todays society.

That reality is... 

PORNOGRAPHY. 

As a 10 year old child you have no clue as to why a magazine would have a half naked girl on the cover. Even as a 14 year old...I didn't get it. Well at 42...I know now. It is poison. For years these pornographic magazines laid comfortably on the shelf above my head every time i went in to use the bathroom...where it was visible to everyone. 

Pornography was the damage to my household, my self image, and my well being. It destroyed my relationship with my mom which drove me away from her. It made me promiscuous as a teen, naive with boys, caused me to shoplift, drink, and lie. And at one point...I even attempted to take my own life. I count my blessings for my mother to have come home at the right time to rush me into the ER to get stitches on my wrist. It was painful. I cried. Even though I had friends there was no one I could tell, or wanted to know. It was then that I knew that if I continued to live this way in this small town with no one to bear my soul to...who knows what could have happened to me, or where I'd end up. I needed help & those were the ways I was crying out for it.

Pornography may be a normal, and fun "hobby" for some of us, and some may even say, "there's nothing wrong with it, it's harmless, and everybody looks at it." 

Well sorry, but I don't look at it. And never will. I'm a witness to how it affects a persons actions, & it is vicious.

The fact that it was in my home like it was no big deal was the biggest mistake my mom did as to allow my stepfather to have it linger in our home, let alone look at it. I know in the end we all suffered the consequences in some shape or form, and my stepfather suffered so much health wise until the day of his passing in 1998.

Forgiveness was rendered to my mother & our relationship was mended. 

I'm grateful for the things I learned throughout the years while healing from years of molestation. For the gospel that changed my life, and for the beginning of a new life that was saved, and changed for good.

That life was mine.

This experience has helped me teach my children that pornography is a problematic, poisonous, and addictive form of entertainment. It is not clean, or pure, and it can ruin you.

If you are someone who constantly looks at porn having unclean thoughts all the time then there is a problem. It is habit forming so please find a way to realize that these are serious issues & please get the help that you need. 

Every so often talks and lessons are given in our church from apostles, and the first presidency as well as members of our own congregation about the usage of pornographic material, and how damaging it can be. I'm glad that we have a church presidency who is fearless in discussing this worldwide issue, and to acknowledge that it is not good, and that it is a problem. It is easily accessed online & it is everywhere. 

I always wondered why I was so angry all the time even after joining the church. But knowing that I have a Father in Heaven helped me overcome all the bitterness, and anger that was harboring deep in my soul for so many years.  

The look on my face that you see in the picture above was a face of discontentment which harbored painful memories. 

The face I have now is that of forgiveness, love, strength, and courage. And I know that I have healed. No matter what other trials I may have, (and believe me I have them periodically) I know that with hope, and faith they too shall pass. Because they usually do. 

And I know that I will make it.

And I did. 

I have no regrets with everything that I've endured in my past. None. It has molded me into the person I am today. A person of imperfection, but ever loving. A mother who is overall a happy person with a wonderful husband, and pretty awesome kids. Sometimes I can't believe my life.

And I will forever be grateful to God for surviving it, and for the support I've gained from my family then, now and forever. 

"No matter how dark the moment love and hope are always possible."

~George Chakiris

**This talk on pornography given by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland is one of the lessons I taught in Relief Society two years ago, and it is a good one!