On Staying Home, And Going Out With Social Distancing.

To be honest I stopped counting the weeks and days of being quarantined. I don't even bother figuring out what day it is because frankly it doesn't even matter. As long as my children are healthy and home safe is all that matters. Being quarantined certainly has it's ups and downs, and for the first time since mid-March had a bit of a melt down. There was a lot of crying and a moment when we realized that this is not our family. This is not how we are. I don't want to turn this post into a religious one but Satan sure knows how to get under our skin. Luckily by the grace of God and how we strive to be as a parent and overall decent human being sat down and talked about how this pandemic is affecting our lives. We talked about finding ways not to allow it to affect us, and although it's understandable to have a breakdown it's even more important to talk about it and afterward have lots of hugs! 

Going Back To The Tiny Yellow House In Kingsville.

Bittersweet memories ran through my mind as we drove into the tiny town of Kingsville. I wasn't going to visit the town I grew up in, but wanted to show my kids where I was raised, who I was, how I found myself, and the place where traumatic things happened that helped me find my way to a better life. 

Life Lately With Rainy Days...

I have to admit that I've been unmotivated to blog lately and that is okay with me. I honestly think it's the rainy weather that we've been having, and to be honest I haven't felt the least bit guilty. The rain causes my bones to ache espeically my back so sitting in front of the computer for even an hour can really take a toll on me. My sister tells me it's arthritis and i believe it is. After all, I will be 48 in a couple of months and as we age certain parts of our body get out of whack! Luckily I have a young heart and refuse to let anything even signs of arthritis bring me down, and so I wanted to jot down a little bit of what has been going on lately. 

Melancholy Days....

Lately, I've been feeling a sense of loss. Loss of time passing by way too quickly which is probably why I'm taking super advantage of spending so much time with our last two kids in the house. I don't always feel this way. It comes in spurts, and often at times when Sierra and Lexie leave after visiting me from college. Milestones such as school dances, birthdays, and graduations will trigger it as well. 

Thoughts Of A Stay At Home At Age 47.

H. Burke Peterson said, "Do without if you need to but don't do do without MOTHER. Mother is more important in the home than money or the things money can buy. Our Father in heaven wants you to be in your home to guide these spirits as o one else can, in spite of material sacrifices that may result. He created you to learn to be a good mother-an eternal mother. It is your first and foremost calling. No babysitter, no grandmother, no neighbor, no friend, no Relief Society sister, older brother, or sister ore even a loving dad can take your place."

Things That Help Me Get Through The Winter Blues.

There was a time when I felt that self-help books were ridiculous and that I didn't need a book to tell me how to think, parent, or behave. Self-help books may not be for everyone, but I guarantee this one really helped shape me into thinking happy! With the weather being dreary with snowy weather that doesn't last really long can really put us in a bad mood. I thought of this quote from this book and wanted to share a few things as to what can make us get through our days and week. 

Looking Forward To A Long Weekend By Keeping It Old School.

 It's been such a nice week so far, and we are looking forward to the long weekend ahead. This week has been pretty busy with Noah's field day, scouts, and Chelsea's back to back choir concerts, and it's only going to get busier with piano recitals, and Lexie's scholarship dinners next week. That's what happens when you have three kids in three different schools!So many end of the year school functions, and those are signs that school is almost out! 

A Mother's Day Post: Appreciating My Children.

"If you have Children who are grown and gone, and in all likelihood have occasionally felt pangs of loss and the recognition that you didn't appreciate that time of your life as much as you should have. Of course, there is no going back, but only forward. Rather than dwelling on the past we should make the most of today, of the here and now, doing all we can to provide pleasant memories for the future. 

In The End, It'll All Be Worth It.

The Teenage years are often years of insecurity, 

of feeling as though you don't measure up, 

of trying to find your place with your peers, 

and of trying to fit in. 

You may be tempted to lower your standards, 

and to follow the crowd in order to be accepted

 by those you desire to have as friends. 

PLEASE BE STRONG. 

And be alert to anything that would rob 

you of the blessings of eternity. 

the choice you make here and 

now are forever important. 

~Thomas S. Monson

Lexie has had a copy of this quote on her cork board for like the past three years, and I never noticed it until now. I've always seen her cork board full of photos, sticky notes, and quotes but really never paid attention in reading them. Now that she is getting ready for graduation, and already preparing for college this cork board will be passed on down to Chelsea, and the only thing she left on there for her sister was a photo of them, and a copy of this quote. 

What Is The Most Important Thing In Life?

There are very few people in this world who inspire me with their words, and actions. Some are the leaders of my church, some are friends I've known my whole life, and some are friends whom I've met online. 

To All The Lovers Out There On Valentine's Day....

I just wanted to share some of my words as to how we've managed to keep our love alive for the past 20 plus years. Express love, and kindness to your significant other not just on valentines day, but every day. Sure there are times when our spouses annoy us, and believe me our ups, and downs come in waves. Some have come in a deep trough, and some have been close to the shore where the are easy to mend.

On The Day Before Thanksgiving....

Noah and I took a walk around our neighborhood to take in the last moments of fall. Most of the leaves have already fallen onto the ground, and some of the trees already look dried up, and bare. Luckily for me I have an adventurous boy who likes to get out no matter what the weather is like. He's such a good sport when it comes to taking pictures. I love that he's somewhat of a natural, and doesn't mind posing for me! Most of the time he wanted to just kick the leaves, and splash in small puddles all while trying to find a four leaf clover.

A Little Encouraging Post To Myself, On My Birthday Weekend.

It's Friday and we are gearing into the weekend in which I know will be spiritually edifying! General women's conference, and my 46th birthday are both this weekend and to be honest I couldn't be more excited. I love attending with my girls, and celebrating my special day with people I love. Nearing my 50's doesn't scare me too much. Maybe it's because I see my sister aging gracefully, and the way she embraces life, and her age is impressive. Same with my momma. She's in her 70's, and looks as if she's in still in her 50's. So grateful she's doing well with her battle with cancer and all! 

A Reflection Of Heaven.

Throughout my years of being a member of the LDS church, and turning over a new leaf in learning about Christ's life, and growing spiritually is that I think we often err when we plead to the Lord to take any kind of temptation, and trial away from us. But one thing I've seriously learned about living this life is that there must be opposition in all things.

Nostalgia on Garfield Avenue.

Looking back on the day we moved out of our home in Blackwood on Garfield avenue I couldn't help but to look back, and walk within the walls of what was once our home for eight years, and to see all the scribbles, dents, and writing on the walls that my two youngest children did at that time are fond memories. Fond memories that i will carry with me forever through pictures. I look back at all the times I'd walk into the kitchen or up the stairs only to see endless scribbles, and will laugh because of how upset I got when Chelsea first put pen, marker, and color to the walls. I was so disappointed in her. I really thought I would be one of those moms whose kids would never resort to that! Sierra, and Lexie never, never wrote on the walls so naturally I thought I had perfect kids when it came to giving them markers at the age of three. Not! Chelsea and Noah were a different story, but oh how grateful I am for those experiences because they sure taught me a lot of patience. The look on Chelsea's face when she got caught in the act was priceless. I just couldn't yell at this sweet three year old little girl. After Chelsea's experience of writing on the walls, I most definitely became less of a mean mom when Noah entered the clan, and saw no need to yell at him when he began coloring on the walls at the tender age of two! No matter how many times I'd tell the girls to put away their art kits, colors, and box of markers he'd always find a way to be sneaky and find them. That's when it dawned on me to me to tape plain white wrapping paper on the huge bare, kitchen wall so they could create a picture with every type of marker, pen, and crayon known to man! When we left I couldn't bare to paint over some of the walls. Especially the one where there was a stick figure with a smiling face! But hey, someone else has to live there, and that's when  I realized that walls can be washed, and repainted. Dents, and holes can be patched up, but those memories of hand drawn art created by two artistic children with a permanent marker can be etched in my mind forever. 

Oh...bittersweet memories for sure. 

Since we only live an hour away I'll drive back through the old neighborhood to visit a few of my neighbors, and friends. I swear that area brings back major memories, and sometimes its hard to let go. We've only been gone for three months, but when I've gone back I feel as if I should be pulling into the driveway only to go back "home." It's surreal sometimes that we don't live there anymore, but the fact that Chelsea was two when we moved here, and Noah being born in Jersey makes me feel that this is our permanent home. Texas, and Utah are the longest places we've lived in, but Jersey has been the state where all of my children learned to grow up, face challenges, conquer some of them, and learn from them, and to spiritually grow. 

Here is a picture of the girls when they were nine, 14, and four! I can't believe how quickly time flies, and now they are 21, 16, and 11! 

Garfield avenue is the place where I was given my first mum from a sister in my church. I never knew there was such a beautiful plant! It was the place where I hosted my first book club, my first baby shower, and thanksgiving dinner with like ten people! It was the place where there were lots of family dinners, entertainment with friends, and pool parties in our little back yard. The place where we had many a BBQ dinners, and where Lexie first learned to mow the lawn. It is the place where for eight years my children walked to the same bus stop, library, Wawa, and bike trail. The place where the kids first discovered fireflies, and had our own sidewalk to chalk on. It is the place where the girls developed their cooking, and baking skills. The place where Sierra had her first date pick her up, and all her prom, and homecoming pictures taken on that infamous little porch of ours. 

This is the place where Noah learned to roll over, take his first steps, lose his first tooth, and play his first keys on the piano. Let's not forget the time I did that photo shoot of Noah's Dreamland! Oh my gosh! Remember those pictures? Such fun, and sweet memories! 

Looking back I thank my Heavenly Father for leading us to this cape cod house on Garfield. The home we created here, although far from perfect, was where we needed to be at that time. Even on the days where I yelled, cursed, and got upset somehow were washed away with the choices I made into being a better mom. Having Noah totally helped me in that department, and living in Blackwood with all that we went through as a family, and attending church helped us in profound ways. The Lord definitely is in charge, and because of Him I was able to endure, and withstand every bitter, and enjoy every blissful moment I had in those eight years of living in south Jersey. 

And I will always look back on them with the fondest of memories.

Always. 

Date Night At The Temple Before Conference Weekend!

Now before you say to yourself, "Not again! Not another temple picture with a post about the temple!" 

First of all, I just want to let you know that I won't be posting too much about our temple trips unless there is something absolutely significant to write about. I mean, the temple is amazing, and my experiences when I attend and then leave are always, always good so why shouldn't I write about it. Thing is, is that I don't want to come off  on this blog as this perfect, goody two shoes, mormon mom who thinks that just because i express my love for God, His word, and the temple means I'm all that, because even though I know all of those things are true, and important in my life, I am soooooo far from perfection! And this is why I attend the temple as much as I can. And the fact that general conference is this weekend gave me the desire to write a little bit of why the temple, for the fifteenth time is important to me! 

I love the change of season, and the Philly temple couldn't have opened up at a better date that in September which is my birthday month. I love the fall season, and with each season comes renewal for me, and having a brand new temple in our area makes that change for me this year even better. 

Ever since I went through the temple years ago I've always gone on or around my birthday. Whether it's with a friend, or with Jon I've always gone. And since my birthday falls right before conference I have always made the effort to go.

Well, this year, I have to say that I am so grateful to have picked the perfect person to attend the Philly temple with for the first time since it got dedicated. Jon and I absolutely love the temple, and really have a deep appreciation for it. We know how hard it can be to get there, but now that we are less than an hour away from one we are going to try to attend as much as we can. He had a day off yesterday which is very rare, and after renewing drivers licenses, fixing the car, and running a few errands until 4pm I was like, "let's go to the temple." We are a spontaneous type of people, and so after taking our girls to youth group at our church we hauled off to the temple, and made it just in time for the 8:00 session! 

The past few months have been trying only because we relocated to a new area with new schools, and adjusting to a new area sometimes isn't as easy as we think. We've now gotten ourselves into a routine, and the kids are transitioning a bit better, but just because we are doing well doesn't mean that we are exempt from moments of struggle, exhaustion, or even stress. Especially when something, or someone causes it. 

I can't even begin to explain the feeling I got as I uttered those words to Jon the other day about going to the temple. There are other things I could have been doing such as catching up with the laundry, stocking up the fridge, watching Gilmore girls on netflix, finishing up a book, going to the theatre, but the first thing that popped into my mind was going to the temple. Like President Monson said, "the blessings of the temple are priceless, no sacrifice is too great."

It didn't matter to me all the things that could have been done, but knowing that by going to the temple I receive strength in being able to handle the life of running around this new town driving three kids to three different schools, all while keeping the house in order. G

As I was getting ready for the temple I felt like I was going to the temple for the first time. I showered, got dressed, and to tell our kids over dinner why we are dressed up on a school night so that we can go to the temple brought excitement all around. The entire time I was anxious, grateful, and happy knowing that we were going to the temple because my goodness, I really need the temple to rejuvenate myself with that extra strength to get me through all that we have gone through with the day-to-day, and all the challenges that await us. 

Because challenges will always come. They always tend to sneak up on us when we least expect it!

However, I am grateful for the lovely breaks of being challenged-free in between those trials, and for the temple that helps me quiet my mind, and puts my life in perspective in knowing how to better my life. On our way out the door, I loved how Noah gave us hugs, and said, "mommy can I come. Can i go the temple with you all?" And how Lexie said, "I'm going through withdrawal from the temple, and can't wait to go again in a couple of weeks." My heart was overjoyed because of their comments. They really do love the temple, and I know they do because of the feeling they get when we are on the grounds, and when Lexie goes in. I'm grateful that our kids have felt a feeling of happiness coming from us which will help teach them that it is indeed a beautiful place to be, and that the reason behind it is not only to gain strength, but to progress the work of the Lord by doing family names, and bringing others to share in the joy of Christ. That is the whole purpose as to why we go to the temple, and why we have so many of them. My hope is that all my children will see how happy we are when we come home from the temple so that they can have the same feeling when it's their turn to enter in! 

And here's a grainy selfie of us taken after the temple. We would have asked someone to take a photo of us, but since it was 11pm there was no one around! 

The temple is so important to us, and it my hope that we can always make time to serve in the temple. President Nelson taught, "service in the temple, is a sublime activity for a family." How true that is. I see the look on my kids faces when we say, "get dressed kids because we are going to the temple." 

We are really looking forward to general conference this weekend! And to get you pumped up for the temple you can listen to this talk, and you can also log on to lds.org to listen to the word of our church leaders. I promise you will leave feeling hopeful, peaceful, and inspired longing for more! 

Have a wonderful weekend folks, and get ready for October!!! Say what!! 

How We Treat Others.

Regardless of how Christ was ridiculed, beaten, whipped, and stoned he loved everyone unconditionally. He still loved us. He loved us so much that He laid His own life down for us.

And we should all do the same. 

Not sacrificing our life as Christ did, but loving others unconditionally. 

Especially when it comes to humanity. 

But most of all family. 

Granted I am not a perfect person, but I know that if we really have the desire to change our naughty ways it can be done. For some it may take years, or even a lifetime of change, but it can be done. 

I know I'm guilty of hurting, and talking about people, but as I, and my children grow older, especially having an adult daughter, one thing for sure is that I would never want to talk ill of anyone in front of them. Whether it's a family member, a neighbor, or someone in our congregation. I would feel really bad if someone came up to me, and told me certain things that I said that was mean about someone, and how that made them feel, I would want to change my ways. Change for the better, and it's a shame that some of us are past feeling. Going through the motions, not seeing how it can affect someone when someone we really care about is hurt because of something we said, and vice versa. It's hurtful, but at the same time makes me love that person even more. Because I've changed, and learned to bite my tongue, and love no matter what.

That's the beauty of the gospel.

The gospel really helps change people. It's a work in progress, and if we really have the desire to want to change our bad habits, and how we treat people we can change. Regardless of what people may think, I know that I have changed.

I look back at the time when I joined the church and how hard it was for my mother to accept the fact that this was serious for me. That I really took to heart the love I had for Christ and this new religion that I converted to. It took her a while to 'catch on' that I was really striving to change. She had a hard time believing that I had a strong love for God, and that I was willing to change my ugly attitude, and bad habits. I think of the scripture "by the fruits ye shall know them." And after 23 years of striving to live a christ like life, my mother, including a few of my friends who knew how I used to be have seen the change, and not acting like the "old rose."

And they are happy for me!

Part of the gospel is change. Evolving. Growing. 

But most of all enduring.

Throughout all my years of being a member I have learned that in order to become like Christ is to act like Him, and it has taken me years to change things that I didn't like about myself. And in return rather than sulking, and dwelling in the past, I have learned to celebrate that change, and to have joy in any given situation. The good, the bad, and the ugly. 

Some people have a hard time letting things go, but I'll tell you this, if you seriously plead to Heavenly Father while kneeling in prayer that all the drama that life, the world, and family can bring will be easier to let go. That forgiveness will come easier. That judging people will be a thing of the past. That you will actually begin to feel. I have experienced this so much in my life to the point where I just don't have time for it. Of course I have time to pray for all the chaos that life, the world, and family can bring, but don't have time or the energy to talk about others. 

Because I don't focus on that. I'm too busy finding joy among the chaos that this world can bring.

Attending the temple often really helps me to forget about all the negativity that has gone on in my life. Especially all that I have been through in the past, but mostly the present. It strengthens me to become a better person, and rejuvenates my soul. The love I have for my family, and friends grows even stronger. That's the beauty of what the temple does to one's heart. 

I know that when I treat others with respect, and love them for who they are that they in return may want to change, and become better. And when we support our loved ones with all the choices they make, they become a happier, and peaceful person. We are constantly moving along this path called life, and it is up to us to choose one that brings happiness, and joy. And when someone we love chooses a path that we wouldn't have chosen, but it is still good because they are a loving, kind, and joyful person, it's important to express support, and love them regardless. 

Because that's what Christ did, and still does. 

He is the perfect judge, and only He can determine our destiny. 

The First Seven Days: Wishes & Kindness.

The first seven days of 2016 were pretty wonderful, and so far things are still looking good!  

Couldn't let the week go by without jotting down a few things that I wish for my family. We all hope for the best when a new year begins, and no matter how hard we forget about the things we tell ourselves on new years eve such as the goals we want to make, the things we want to change about ourselves, and all the resolutions we'd like to accomplish, it's nice to know that there is always room for hope, and change. We all have the ability to change, and to do better in this world. I pretty much don't jot down as many resolutions as I used to, but I do have hope, and boy do I wish for a lot! With the world changing and society becoming more bold in the way it portrays certain things it is up to me as a parent to raise my children the best I can so that they can be prepared to enter the real world on their own with their eyes wide opened, and a laser focused mind. 

But first and foremost, it is my example that sets it in motion. It starts with me, and I want to be the kind, loving example to everyone so that my kids can follow in my footsteps. Hoping that their generation can make the world a better place. 

We also need to give blessings a chance. Some of us get a little frustrated because we feel that blessings don't come fast enough, but I know that through prayer, and acting upon the things that we believe in Heavenly Father will guide us to a path filled with light, and a less path filled with stress, and hardships. We've had quite a few trials this past year as we do every year. I mean...I don't think anyone is exempt from having a perfect year, but for me regardless of the negativity that goes on in the world, before we step out the door we pray as a family to have a good day. It makes a huge difference in our day when we do, and we look at the world in a beautiful perspective. It is up to me to make the world beautiful, and I have to say that I've gotten a lot better at it! Heavenly Father created such a beautiful earth for us to enjoy, and experience. We definitely take advantage of it, and also learn from the terrible things that the world can bring as well. Although we'll discuss the current events that are occurring around us, we don't sit and dwell on the negativity for too long. We try to look at the positivity that can come from it, say "it is what it is", and move on. Always hoping for the greater good! How grateful I am for the word change, and for the opportunity we have to make ourselves a better person. Changing to become a more kinder person can make a huge difference not only in our lives, but the person you are expressing kindness to as well. I witnessed it firsthand when I shared this story, and I can probably share a lot of stories in regards to serving, but felt the need to share that particular story this past year. 

It's so true, the older we get the quicker the years pass us by. I tend to focus more on my kids, and their happiness. My wishes for my kids are pretty much the same. They all have a unique life ahead of them, and am so proud who they are becoming, and how they handle things sometimes on their own. I wish many blessings upon each and every one of them this year. 

// My wish for Sierra is that she'll find fulfillment, and joy while serving her mission in the Philippines. She received her mission call on January second, and it certainly was a great start to our year. I hope that she'll find those who are searching for a greater happiness. One that will bind families forever. That her testimony will grow, and relationship with Heavenly Father will become stronger than ever. I wish. I wish. //  

// My wish for Lexie is that she'll never forget who she is, or why she is here. Regardless of all the negativity that the world can throw at her, she'll know that Heavenly Father as her back up in knowing that through Him, she can overcome anything. The teenage years are crucial, and high school is rougher than ever before, especially when you stand up for your beliefs. I hope that she will always defend them, and stand up for herself. I wish. I wish. //

// My wish for Chelsea is that she'll continue to be the kind, helpful, sweet young girl, and not be afraid to learn new things. Not be afraid to stand up for herself. That as she reaches her preteen years that she'll know that she truly is a daughter of God. That although she has already faced a trial in her young age, that she'll remember what she learned from it, and continue to have the strength for more. That she will never fall into "worldly traps" at a young age. I wish. I wish. //

// My wish for Noah is that he will enjoy school, and that as he grows older that he will know right from wrong. That his innocence will carry on throughout his elementary year, and that he knows that there is light, and goodness in this world. I wish. I wish. //

// My wish for Jon is that he'll continue to have a great year with his job. That he will find time to enjoy the little things outside of work. He is such a hard worker, and we all love him to death, and appreciate his life so much! I wish. I wish. //

And my wish for me...I just want to be a more kinder, and gentler person. One that can be a rarity among women, where people will wonder why I am the way I am. I love my life, and wish many blessings upon my family. 

I also wish that for you. 

I wish. I wish. 

So let's make that change, be kind, and make it a great year! 

Happy Weekend! 

A VERY PERSONAL POST ON MARRIAGE EQUALITY.

^^^ image via ^^^

It's been a little over a month since the law passed on gay marriage being equal in all 50 states, and in all honesty I don't think the reaction of happiness knowing that the law passed will go away...at least for awhile. 

Like most people I was debating on writing about the topic, especially since this will be a super personal post in regards to my experiences in the past. But the reason I felt prompted to write about it is because it really helps to talk about it, to not be afraid of my past, because if it has helped me somehow in being who I am today then gosh darn it I will share it. I also write this because I want my friends, family, and especially my children to know that no matter what we are all God's children, that life can be simple, that their mother had to learn, and know for herself, and that love is love. 

I wrote this status on Facebook the day the law marriage equality passed...

"My stance on the events of today in regards to marriage equality in all 50 states...it's simple. Love is love, love is universal, and as much as I sustain the leaders of the church I belong to which is The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints I also believe that as christians we shouldn't judge. Be happy to see that God's children are happy, and worry about your spiritual being. Accept the fact that the world is changing, and to be kind to one another. God is not religion, God is love, and we need to remember that. Peace...:-)"

Since I hardly ever share massive statuses on Facebook, and because there's only so many characters we can tweet on twitter, allow me to elaborate a little bit about this specific status. After all...that's what a blog is for right? 

For half of my life I have seen, and experienced all kinds of ugly in my corner of the world where I thought I would never escape, but knowing that I survived all that ugliness has helped me appreciate life, and most of all love. Love that comes from God, because without Him I would not be who I am today.

Because God so loved the world he sent his beloved son to die for me, and you. He has the plan of salvation specifically for us to be taught so that we can find out who we are, where we come from, and where we are headed after this mortal life. That plan has taught me that the Lord's love is unconditional period. He loves us no matter what, and even though I have gay friends, and family members we as christians should not judge or decide who is right or wrong because when that times comes Jesus Christ is going to decide. 

I'll admit this though...

because of all that I endured, and learned as a child it's a little hard to not want to take a side. There are two stories that I'd like to share with you in hopes that you will understand why it would be hard for some, and why I am sharing this with you. 

While I was growing up there was once a boy who lived not too far from my neighborhood. He would tease me a lot. Sometimes I wondered if he liked me. I learned that if a boy teases you that he likes you. Well...because of the things that were happening to me at the time with being molested I hated boys, and wanted nothing to do with them until I got into middle school. Long story short I survived my abuse, and the boy that would tease me, fast forward to 20 years is gay. Now, I'm not sure if he was gay while we were elementary age, but I know now that he is happily married now. 

And I can't even begin to tell you how happy I am for him. 

Why am I happy for him you may be wondering? 

Because it is not my place to judge, and because he is a child of God. 

I somewhat remember how this boy was, and when I saw him at a Walmart back home like 18 years ago with another guy made me realize that he might be gay. Was I judging? No, but I was wondering because of his actions.  

After finding out on Facebook about his life, and seeing how happy he was with his husband made me appreciate him, because it's not easy for those to come out and admit they're gay especially coming from a small town. Like I said...I'm not sure when he came out, and right now at this point it doesn't matter, but I was happy for him. Happy to see that he found happiness in his life. 

Second story...

I had an experience of kissing a girl in my teens. Yes...kissing. Shocked?? Please, I'm sure you've experienced some phase in your life of rebellion so don't judge. No one is perfect so remember that as you continue to read this. Yes, I have a past. I was lost, and the fact that I was molested had a huge factor as to why I experienced that. It was a phase because I only did it once. Mind you this girl had issues herself, and because we were both vulnerable at the same time the feelings we had at that moment were of loneliness, and confusion. I remember the feeling I felt afterwards, and athough at the time it felt nice, it still didn't seem right. I am grateful that I was strong, and that in the end I chose to be attracted to the opposite sex. 

Not everyone can fight those feelings though. 

There are suicides that come about when one is struggling with same sex attraction, and it is up to us as human beings to fellowship, love, and most of all not judge.

 I read this article on how there are christians in the church i belong to who are gay and active, and fight the urge to act upon those feelings of being attracted to the same sex. It also talks about an unconditional bishop who accepts those who struggle with same sex attraction.

I cannot even imagine how my life would have been had i gone the other way, or truly, truly enjoyed the feeling of kissing another girl, but that was meant to be in my plan in this life. To experience, to be tested, to learn, to abstain, and to not be attracted to the same sex. 

I'm grateful for that experience because it has taught me to love unconditionally, and to understand those in, and outside of the church who are gay. For whatever reason they are gay doesn't matter because I know there are gay people who have never endured abuse, and are happily gay. 

In the 23 years of being a member (and it was a work in progress) of this church i have continually learned to not judge. Sadly there are countless many who do. We have to remind ourselves that God is love, and no matter how much we don't agree with the sin, and have a hard time coping with those who are gay that it is not our right to give looks, be mean, and ugly. What if it was your child, or future grandchild that turns out to be gay? We never know the trials, and tests that the Lord gives us, and it is up to us to live as Him. 

I will always, always sustain the leaders of the church I belong to. I will always believe that marriage should be between a man and a woman. But i also know that the Lord will reveal his feelings, and judge his children for their choices whatever they may be as well as the lifestyle they live. Because He is perfect, and the only one who can do that! 

Still...it's not our job to judge, so please stop. 

The world is changing, and no matter what we have to embrace the change, and find a way to accept it with peace, and overall happiness. 

The world has enough hate, and we don't need to add to it. Especially for us christians of all faiths. If you call yourself a christian then please behave like one. I'm not perfect either, but boy do I have a lot of love in my heart for everyone whether they're gay, or straight.

But know, and respect this...I will not be rallying for my gay friends, and family carrying a flag walking all proud, but I do respect your lifestyle, and I'm happy that your happy! 

And I will love you till there is no end.

No end. 

IF IT'S MEANT TO BE.

Two months ago a dear friend of mine had her second child. You can imagine my excitement & surprise when I found out that she was having a baby (congratulations Lori!) I was so thrilled for her. I hadn't seen her since high school, but the desire to send her a gift was overwhelming. It was so fun putting it together, and I was informed last night with a sweet thank you video from her cute son that they received it. My brother in law who is also in his 40's will become a dad for the second time next week, and there are also two other friends from high school who are my age who also had babies in their 40's. I was almost 39 when I had Noah, and being pregnant at that age was pretty amazing! Sure I had my moments of exhaustion, but what pregnant woman doesn't. Aside from back pain due to how I carried him I've always had healthy pregnancies, and hearing these baby announcements, and seeing pictures of newborn babies makes me a bit jelly, but at that the same time so, so happy for them. 

And the truth is... 

I would like to have another baby. In about four months I'll be turning 44, and the desire to have a baby is still within me. I know what you're thinking (at least some of you may be). You already have four, and you're getting old why would you want more? 

Well, I wasn't close to my brother at all while growing up (we lived separately), and when I see my kids in harmony (at least 95% of the time) it brings me so much joy, and the desire to have just one more increases. It's as if I want to fill that void I had of not having grown up with my brother, and not experiencing the feeling of having a younger sibling. I would like for Noah to experience being a big brother, but then again I didn't experience being a big sister. I do, however,  have a wonderful sister whom I did grow up with. Despite the cat fights, and drama we had as sibs we are closer today now than we've ever been, and for that I am extremely grateful to have her in my life to look upon to. 

As far as my brother goes our relationship has progressed somewhat throughout the years, but the fact that we were raised separately made it kind of difficult. Living miles away from each other doesn't help either.  Nonetheless we keep in touch via text, and he just got a Facebook! He's almost 50 and is finally on Facebook! Huge step for me bro! But we are all old school, and I think my sis, and brother will always appreciate tangible cards, and photos! 

I never in my life thought I would have four kids because my childhood wasn't all rainbows and butterflies, but I did. I didn't plan them to be five years apart either it just happened that way. One of the greatest blessings was having girls first. Not one, but three! And even though they have their moments, they all love each other. One thing for sure is when their all old, and married they will all be each others best friend. Just as my sister, and I are. Looking out for each other, and having each other's back even though we are miles apart. There's is no greater feeling than having a sister, and I'm so happy that I have ONE! 

As much as Jon and I would want Noah to have a baby brother, or sister, it's just not happening. One thing I know for sure is that Heavenly Father knows what he's doing, and he truly is in charge of our life. No matter how much I beg, and plead to have another child it is His will. I don't want to bother going to any doctors, or specialists to help  me get pregnant, because I personally don't, nor should I have to do that...especially at my age. I have come to the realization that this body of mine has produced all it can in this life, and I'm at peace with that. 

I am extremely grateful that the Lord blessed us with a son, and I know that Noah will be satisfied with being the baby of the family as I am, and that is something that he and I will have in common!

Having four children has been the greatest blessing in my life, and knowing that makes me look forward to being a grandma someday...not now, but someday! 

Our family of six will be good enough for me! 

Have a happy long memorial day weekend! 

**Photo is an oldie from the year 2010 taken in Cape Cod. Noah was seven months old.