Be Still, Listen, & Never Take Anything For Granted.

I find myself to be more in tune with the spirit of the Lord, and spiritually focused when I'm by myself in the house, or when the kids are asleep. It has been a very long time since I've actually had a couple of hours to myself, & I'm beginning to really appreciate that time when I'm alone. No work to be done in the house, no job to have to rush to. No tv on for background noise, nothing. Just pure silence. I've never felt extremely needy for the Lord until now. it's amazing to me that I don't even have a desire to turn the TV on or log onto the computer to scroll through social media after the kids are gone. My priorities are seriously changing more now than ever before. Maybe it's my age, and the fact that all of my kids are getting older, and that they are, even at a young age, are beginning to find what the meaning of life is. Yeah...that's it. I know that when times get tough I tend to turn towards god more. It shouldn't be that way, but I have been praying a lot lately. Praying that i will continue to study the Scriptures every day and not just read them through quickly, but to sit down, think, and I mean really think, wonder, imagine, hope, and pray that even though the days can sometimes be bleak, that the sun will eventually shine after a long storm, and that there are better days ahead. That when one of my kids are having hard times that they will know to always turn to the Lord in prayer for answers, and healing. That my faith will never falter knowing that the decisions my children make especially when it comes to a spiritual one is correct, true, and inspired by God. I know that I have taken the Gospel for granted at times and even though I read with my family in the evenings on a daily basis, and pray with my family, my guilt of not reading the scriptures on my own as much as I'd like has been getting to me, and I don't want to do that anymore. I love my family. I love my heavenly father, and I'm so thankful for all the things that He has put me through in this life to learn so that I can grow spiritually. So that I can appreciate what's around me more, and not even care about the drama that goes on in my surroundings, or social media or how many likes i get on my pictures or the comments that are going to be left on my posts. What matters to me is the time that I have with my family, my friends, and to appreciate the life that I have been given. To pay more attention to the tiniest things that at times I've felt may be unnecessary to pay attention to. 

Prime example...

Noah showed me a picture the other day. He drew a picture of a heart with two stick figures inside, and one was colored red and the other blue. Blue because that's Noah's favorite color, and red because that's Jons. He then asked me to write, "to daddy, this is a heart for you. love noah" and you know what, I stopped what I was doing. I was in the middle of blogging , and immediately got off the computer. I paid attention to him & asked him about the picture and told him how beautiful it was. that his heart was perfect, and that he is perfect, and that his daddy is an awesome daddy, and for that moment I didn't even care about the computer, or anything else. That time was all about him. I have about 4 hours to spare with him in the morning before he goes to school and the moments that i don't pay attention to him will never return. I will never get back those moments. 

Another example...

One morning I came out of my room and saw Noah in the kitchen. I stood behind the small bookshelf near the staircase for a minute without him noticing that I was watching him. I saw him take the milk out of the fridge, grabbing the cereal from the cupboard and attempting to pour it on his own even when the gallon was full. I have seen him attempt that effort at least twice now. That should be a proud mama moment for me because that's telling me that he's independent, but at the same time it was a bit bitter. I know now that he does that on his own, because he probably didn't want to bother me. The fact that he didn't ask, "mommy I'm hungry, can I have some cereal?" made me realize that maybe he feels I'm too busy to help him. Yes, it's great that he's becoming independent, but at the same time probably didn't want to bother me because "mommy's on the computer again." I'm not on the computer for all hours of the day, but to be honest even when I'm on it for even five minutes to google something tells him that I'm too busy, and I don't want him growing up thinking that his mommy was too busy to spend time with him before school.  

Motherhood is the greatest blessing of all, and I don't want to take that for granted either. I don't want to take any of my children for granted no matter how old they get. I love the gospel of Jesus Christ, and that is the key to my happiness. That is what keeps me holding on. My family is the glue that holds me together, and The Lord is the bright light that covers any pocket of darkness. 

When I read the scriptures on my own in a still, quiet place those are the times when I truly feel His presence, and my time is all focused on Him. And what a feeling, and a blessing it is to actually hear His answer! Having my daughter Sierra learning all that she was taught in the MTC can really change your perspective towards many things in life, and I can see that it has for her, and when I don't skip a day of reading the scriptures, and praying my day runs a lot smoother. That works for me, and I see the proof of joy when I do it. 

Because in the end, all that's going to matter to the Lord is what I've done in this life that deals with family, & what I did for others. Nothings gonna matter more to him than that. Sure The Lord may be pleased with how much knowledge one has with the scriptures, but to me what matters is what I did with that knowledge. Not how many scriptures I memorized, but if I'm actually living the gospel, and following those scriptures in a Christlike manner. I'd like to think that I am, and trying my very best to live accordingly. 

I'm grateful for the opportunity I have to listen in on the general women's session which will be held tomorrow evening. The inspiration I receive from our women leaders is so inspiring, and I always leave with my heart cemented to the words that were given, and sometimes it's what I needed to hear. I'm extremely grateful for the gospel, and for my family that I'm so bonded to and love so much because they are the only ones that I'm gonna take home with me when this life comes to an end.

Have a lovely Easter weekend everyone! 

God, Forgive Us When We Whine.

The day before the snowstorm hit I received a text from a friend that read "Oh God, Forgive Me When I Whine.", and when I clicked on the link to read the entire poem sure gave me a "rude awakening" and truly opened my eyes. See...for the past couple of weeks we've been carless and even though we've been through this dilemma before dealing with broken down cars it can be frustrating...especially in the brutal winter. Luckily there was a friend in our church who was kind enough to lend us her car just until we figured out what to do with ours, but weren't able to borrow it for too long. We were debating on fixing the current car we own, or buy another one. Decisions  are the worst, and car shopping is no fun when you have no car to look for a car. We certainly don't want to rush into buying just any car, and end up with another issue! We've been there done that quite a few times throughout our marriage, and the consequences of making sporadic choices like that can be very expensive, and a life learning lesson. I can tell you so many stories of our days, and the luck we've had with cars in the past, but that's a whole other story. One good thing that has come out of situations like this the end result has usually, for the most part been a positive one. I also realized that after reading that poem over, and over again how grateful my family and I are for having two feet that gets us to the places we need to go. 

Extremely grateful! 

Reading that poem made me not only think of those with any kind of disability, but our pioneers as well. Walking in the dead of winter without layers of clothing, carrying children until they couldn't anymore must not have been easy. So many suffered and died along the way so why should I complain about walking in the cold, and not having a car? Well...I haven't complained too much because I made the choice not too. Plus walking in the cold, and being outdoors in the winter time can be invigorating! I'll tell you my attitude towards broken cars has gotten a lot better since the last time, and I am done whining. I am grateful to have a teenager who is healthy and has two feet to walk when necessary to and from school. Grateful she has friends who will drive her home at night from late drama rehearsal. I'm thankful that both Chelsea and Noah are young and resilient and really don't care if we have a car or not. They love venturing out in the neighborhood, and going for walks (even in 25 degree weather!). I'm grateful that Jon has loyal fellow UPS drivers whom he's become buddies with that he'll carpool with, and offer a helping hand. Granted there will be one day out of the week where he'll walk home & even though it's about six miles he doesn't mind, and loves the exercise. I'm happy that it keeps him fit. Besides it gives him alone time to clear his head, and to find clarity on any personal issues he may be having whether individually, or as a family. 

I'm grateful that this 43 year old body of mine can tolerate all the stresses of life that recognizes when enough is enough, and will say to me, "STOP, pray more, and worry less because stress isn't good for your heart." I have learned to listen to that voice more than ignoring it. Grateful for public transportation because back in the 1800's there wasn't any (unless you rode a wagon!) Grateful for clothing and shoes that helps keep us warm while walking. Grateful for neighbors and friends who I can call upon for a ride in an emergency such as attending my church activities and meetings! Yes! I know this issue is a temporary problem, and we are enduring, and handling it the best way we can. We have been served and have served others over, and over again without any hesitation or obligation. Grateful for hearts so strong that because we have love in our hearts we know that God will guide us to the right vehicle. 

But for now we will use our feet that'll take us where we need to go without whining, and enjoy this journey with eyes to see, and ears to hear, and a beating healthy heart to soften us so that we can take this test to learn, and appreciate the little things that others may not have that we often take for granted. 

Facing Trials With Gratitude & Learning From Them.

I

Life takes us on many unexpected turns and it's up to me to either accept the turn and let it take it's course, or do something about it and change it. I choose the latter. Ever since we moved to Jersey we've had many a hardships but by the grace of God, our faith in Him, and believeing in His love & never leaving our side has helped us to accept every hard turn, have allowed it to let it run its course without any embitterment, and in the end learned from the challenges, and to never ever forget.

Ever. 

Why shouldn't we ever forget about the struggles we've faced or our shortcomings? Because you never know when you're going to be faced with them again.

And we have had to face them over, and over, and over again.

And I'm sure there are going to be more. Which is fine with me because after so many lessons learned I'm ready. One thing I've learned from all the struggles we've had since the beginning of our marriage is the fact that I never forget them. Reflecting back on past struggles, and how we handled them can better teach us how to handle them today. It's crucial to never forget the trial, to remember about what the trial taught us, and to remember all that happened in between that trial. What we did to overcome it, how we handled it, and what we learned from the trials. And in a good way to try to remember all that was good throughout that trial, as well as expressing gratitude throughout that trial. Key word being trial. Just wanted to clarify! 

When our car broke down two years ago that was the very first time in about 17 years of marriage where we actually focused on what was going on throughout the trial. The way we handled things, and how we found solutions in getting to the places we needed to go without transportation was sometimes frustrating, but in between we found the joy & appreciation knowing that this too shall pass, and explored our little borough via foot and discovered things we've never seen before. 

We used to focus on the beginning and end of past trials, and was never happy in between. Never really strived to find a solution. We'd sulk, and eventually found a resolve, but man did it take a toll on us. We 'd always complain, and say things like "Why us" , and "I can't wait till this is over." We were always stressing, and fighting. Never did any of us any good really, and all it'll do is put stress on the kids if you constantly stress and complain in front of them. Take them out of the equation, but also let them know what' s going on. I recall there was never enough prayer, or even support, and without those things forget it...life will be even harder. We have learned that focusing in the middle of all that is happening throughout the trial will teach us something. I personally often try to find ways to laugh through it all because let's face it...what else can we do. Crying, being bitter, whining, and complaining "woe is me, no one cares" constantly and avoiding the world will not make the situation any better. I have found that it'll only make the trial worse, and focusing on the negativity of it all will not make it go away any faster. 

This is what we are teaching our children. We constantly teach them to think, and pray in the midst of any trial they may be experiencing. To have focus on the purpose of living and to put all their effort into Heavenly Father's hands with gratitude. 

Having our oldest daughter living 2100 miles away from us hasn't been easy for me because while she was here I was always there to help guide her and lift her up in person. We'd go on walks, thrift shopping, and have lunch every chance we get. Even though she is living with my in laws doesn't mean that her life will be perfect. If anything she is learning and growing from all her experiences she has had there with school, and relationships. My mother in law is not her mother, but her grandmother, and guardian and even though they're under the same roof doesn't mean that everything will be built to perfection, and that is exactly why i constantly text, write, and will call her from time to time. It's so important to stay on top of our children no matter how old they get. We think our kids our strong, but in today's society with the adversary hanging around the most valiant individuals will try so hard to bring them down to an all time low. I know this from experience because not only have I experienced it as a single adult, but married with children as well. 

I'm extremely grateful for the gospel in my life because I know that without that my life would have fallen apart a long time ago. My marriage would have fallen apart years ago. It's so easy nowadays to just give up on life, and God. We tend to give up on our children as well, and I see a lot of that. No matter how exhausted I may get when it comes to life as a mother I will always find a way through it all. 

Prayer, service, attending the temple, and laughing are three of the things that keep my spirits high.

Prayer because I know that Heavenly Father is listening, and telling me not to cry, and that this too shall pass. 

Serving because when I think of others it totally makes me forget about my own problems, and the love for it just keeps growing. It never gets old. 

Laughing because it is the best medicine. Especially when our car broke down while road tripping (and there have been so many of them!) Smiling with tears because our nine year old gave you all the money from her wallet after hearing when Jon lost his job . 

Attending the temple is just about the highest of the highs for me. I leave that building feeling I can conquer anything. I have found the peace so deep within my soul that no matter what awaits for me when I step outside that beautiful building no drama, no trial, heartache, loss of a job, or family member can take that away. I have to be strong in this life. I want to be strong in this life. I need to be strong in this life. For myself, for God, and for my family. 

All those things is what helps me guide my way through. I want that for my children, and no matter how far family may live away from me especially my daughter I want her to know that having faith in all those things can make any bumpy road a smoother surface to navigate through. 

Knowing that we survived from all the trials we've had before will help us get through the ones that are about to come, and may be currently going through. And putting all the faith that we can muster into said trials will make us stronger individuals, and our soul worth living. 

***I love this talk by President Deiter F. Uchtdorf. He has such a humble heart, and always assures me that there is always light in the midst of any tribulation.

In the Beginning.

Salt Lake City, Utah-circa, Spring 1994

After reading this story and watching this heartfelt film I was inspired to share a little bit of my story in the hardships that I have faced when it comes to finances. I think everyone has been there at one point or another and if you haven't then God Bless You! Growing up in a low income family was tough. I can probably write an entire chapter about how life as a child was for me with not learning the value of a dollar, or what the purpose was behind those allowances. Maybe that's why at the age of seven I saved like 36 dollars and hoarded it inside my little red Hello Kitty wallet like there was no tomorrow. I wasn't sure if I should spend it or save it. I thank my mom for giving me chores at a young age which resulted in rewarding me with a couple of dollars a week, and teaching me responsibility in keeping a house in order, but she missed something. She missed teaching me how money is used. She missed how it is there to save for a rainy day. She missed telling me that it's okay to not have what others had. She missed telling me that no matter what, we are "rich" because we have each other. She missed a lot of things, and because she did I feel as if I didn't understand the concept of money especially when I got married. 

My mother struggled herself as it was for the first nine years of my life until my stepfather came into the picture so having him around did help support us for a while...until he himself became ill. I firmly believe that when we are not taught the value of a dollar based on the principle that goes behind the meaning of "money" can lead us into a path of destruction that can teach us valuable lessons. Lessons that we regret later on in life in which we don't want to get ourselves mixed up in or want our children to learn.  

This was my lesson.

I had my first "real" job at the age of 16, and still didn't grasp on the true principle of saving money. I never stuck to one job, and at that point in my life I was a hot mess. To tell you the truth I honestly don't remember what I did with my money after getting my paychecks. I know I shopped a bit buying things here and there, but I know I never saved any of it. I lived with my sister for a short while in Florida after high school when I was 18, and that only lasted for a summer.  I got a job in Pensacola at the mall, but still didn't grow from anything. Things weren't working out for me and knew I had to go back to Texas. I knew I had to get my act together, and go to college. Funny how the Lord works, and how He puts us on unexpected paths in which we'd never thought we'd lean toward. He had a plan for me, but even though it was a great one...I still had a lot to learn. Boy did I have a lot to learn. And the trials that were to come ahead of me were huge. At least for me. 

One of the greatest things that happened to me was converting to this wonderful church which helped me emotionally and spiritually. I met my husband in Texas where he was serving his mission (no funny business occurred.) When I moved to Utah he was working as a manager at a locally owned restaurant called Sam's Express, and I was doing a little bit of modeling for McCarty Agency. Not a lot of pay, but it was fun. After a while we began to date, and eventually got married. Our wedding was so simple. I rented my brocade 80's looking dress for 200, bought my brocade shoes for 35 bucks, my mother in law made my veil, and my dear friend Stacie did my bouquet, and flowers. Food was cheap and my mother made chicken croissant sandwiches with pasta on the side. Eclairs, creme puffs, and fruit were the dessert, and we had about 80 people show up to extend their regards in a small LDS chapel in Sandy, Utah. It was simple, sweet, and our entire wedding cost under a grand. 

One great thing I remember about Jon when I first met him was that he was so good at saving money.  I felt secure because he had a job that was good enough for us to afford our tiny studio apartment on South Temple in downtown Salt Lake, but we were about to have a baby...unexpectedly. I was pregnant. It was hard because I actually enjoyed working. I quit modeling, and actually enjoyed sitting in an office typing my fingers away making some decent money. We were lucky we didn't have any student loans because A) I got a grant which I didn't have to pay back for the two years I went to college, and B) Jon had no loans due to attending no college. We figured we'd be able to make ends meet, and that I'd be able to work until Sierra was born, but that didn't happen. I ended up having toxemia which resulted in being on bed rest for the last six weeks of my pregnancy, hence causing Sierra to be born a few weeks early. We were lucky that a program called "Baby Your Baby" saved us that prevented us from paying any hospital and medical bills. She was a free baby! We were on medicaid for a while until Jon began working for Rent A Center. We then had excellent insurance, and I went back to work thinking things are going to be peachy king. They were for a few years until we got caught up in a web of credit card debt. I'm no math major so I didn't understand what interest was or how it worked. Heck, I didn't even know how to write a check until I got married! The downward spiral began and we got ourselves into this hot financial mess, and it was so hard to get out of it. Moving back and forth from Utah to Texas off and on for ten years didn't help our stability either in trying to establish ourselves in owning a home. We then got caught in a vicious cycle of getting those payday loan advances which caused us to get even more behind. We were so desperate in making ends meet the first eight years of our marriage it wasn't even funny. We realized that we needed a solution, and that somehow we had to get out of it. 

Man did we struggle. From pawning stuff to selling my clothes at consignment shops. Luckily I've always been a thrift shopper otherwise things could have been a lot worse! I reflect back on my life, and sometimes wonder how I made it this far with the same husband! We had patience with each other, and faith in God. Some years have been great, and some not so great. This struggle was real, and I know that they won't end. We will always have some kind of trial in our life, and this was mine in the beginning of our marriage. Financial hardships can cause a strain on marriages, and when we don't learn it when we're young it can easily be passed down to our posterity, and become a learned behavior. We don't ever want that to reflect on our children, and have been teaching them the value of a dollar, and the pro's and con's of credit cards. How they should only get one to establish credit and not max it out in a week! We are teaching them true principles on how to save their money. They have gotten in the habit in paying their tithing first when they earn a reward or allowance. We've taught them to secure their future by doing well in school, and attending a good college. We've taught them to serve, and help others. We've taught  them that material things don't make the world go round, and just because other kids are trendy that they don't have to follow. 

I'm grateful for all the times our families helped in times when we really needed it. We've accepted for our arms to be wide open when they offer a helping hand. I hope to be able to return that comfort and favor when they're in need. I'm also grateful to the church who has helped us in many ways when times got extra tough. None of us want to get in a financial bind, but sometimes that burden can become so heavy on your shoulders that you just need to swallow your pride and ask for help. 

In the past six years of living in New Jersey I have to say that the past 10 months was the hardest. Even though we paid way ahead on our rent & utilities when Jon lost his job, it was still tough for him to find a job where he can support all of us. These days even with a degree you're either overqualified which in Jon's case was neither qualified because of no college history. Luckily his experience with working with people and only having four jobs in 30 years has helped employers see that he stays with a job for a long period of time. I count my blessings that Sierra's first semester in college was "free" and that we've had some help along the way. For the most part we have been blessed by the Lord in having Jon landing such a great job in which he will begin next month.  He has always been a hard worker, and no matter what always held onto his jobs whether he liked them or not. 

I'm so lucky to have married a man who stuck by me through all the hardships we've endured, and this one was pretty big. What is it with money anyway? We were young, dumb, and have truly learned so many lessons from all our past mistakes. Our faith was, and will always be strong no matter what challenges come our way. 

I don't ever want any of my children or any one that I care about go through the financial hardships we went through at such a young age, hence this film. It truly brought back memories, and watching it was a reminder for me to never go on that path again. To continue to teach my children the value of a dollar so that they will never get themselves into a financial bind, and to pass this message on to their future posterity. 

selflessness is the key to my happiness.

Didn't I warn ya about being prepared to see more posts like this? This weather has been too good to be true, and because of the things that I posted about motherhood the other day with time passing by us way too quickly, I want to take the time to enjoy the small and simple things...especially with this little guy.

Going on walks, taking Noah to the park, visiting my sisters from the church to share a spiritual message really puts my mind at ease. It reminds me to be selfless, and it helps make me look at our life at this very moment in a different perspective. I am thankful. I feel fulfilled. I feel loved. I have hope, and I am blessed no matter what. My decision in putting other peoples needs before my own has always been a key to my happiness...especially in times of stress.  I want to thrive on happiness. I want to seek the happiness in every direction whether it's good or bad. I want to be a good example to every person I meet, because first impressions are always important. I find that when I see life's beautiful things such as blue skies, birds humming, seeing my neighbors daffodils pop up renews the spirit in which abides with me, and is a sign from above telling me that all will be well. 

Being a trio at the park the other day without a worry in the world helped us forget about life's stresses for that moment. Instead of having Jon doing all the 'rough' running around with Noah I wanted to have a piece of that action. I decided to cross the monkey bars with Noah on my back. Noah was a bit hesitant to get on. I don't think he trusted me to hold him the way daddy does. I was patient, and waited for Noah to carefully get on my back, but to no avail. Two words...epic fail. My hands felt so weak as he tried to get on. He ended up trying to save me from letting go & falling. Here I am hanging on to these monkey bars for dear life as if it was the last thing on earth to do! All along I was saying to  myself, "I can do this, I'm not out of shape!" I eventually let go. Afterwards Noah kept asking me if I was okay. He was so serious, and caring about the whole thing that he kept asking me that for ten minutes! Laughing and putting all my energy on this family of mine is what keeps me going. 

^^^ Mandatory caption: The look on Noah's face is priceless. ^^^

I observe at the way Jon looks at our life, and he is at peace. He looks at the kids with love, and his heart is filled with gratitude. I am reminded of this quote from President Uchtdor from general conference recently, "Gratitude is a disposition, a way of life that stands independent of our current situation." That quote is so fitting for our life right now. So grateful that Jon has a great attitude towards negativity, and has a unique built for strength when it comes to trials. He's not perfect, but he sure knows his limits of frustration. He doesn't take it out on us. He cooks & will read instead.

One thing for sure life is always better when affection is given. These two are the only men in my mortal life, and once again we are taking advantage of our afternoons enjoying this lovely spring weather...just the three of us.  

Yup...no matter what life throws at us, life is pretty darn good! 

Hope your life is too! Have a great weekend! 

opposition in all things.

Washington D.C. temple-December 2013

Opposition really takes a toll on us when we least expect it. Especially when you're striving to do the things that are right. There are a lot of changes about to occur in our lives in a couple of days regarding our family, and I'll tell ya...that devil knows how to work on our weakest spots, and man is he good at using that against us. Especially when he sees you on your knees pleading in prayer.

21 years ago when I was about to be baptized my mother and I got into the most heated argument about nothing. I honestly can't even remember what it was about. The only thing I recall is that we were talking about my baptism, and how I'm joining a cult, don't expect me to be there, blah, blah, blah, blah. All I remember is her yelling at me telling me to not expect to see her at my baptism. Funny how she was soooo super supportive in the beginning when the sister missionaries knocked on our door & the fact that I was about to change my life by seeking God. As it got closer to my baptismal date all hell broke loose. And for what. For simply wanting to be a better human being, and for wanting to change my life. Well...luckily she entered the chapel at the last minute before I got dunked into the holy waters. I saw her & nearly cried. I could see the happiness in her eyes, and that day ended well. It ended well. 

Another time my mom and I had a heated argument for no reason was when I was moving to Utah. I had been living in Corpus Christi working the worst jobs & getting nowhere. I had only completed a year and a half of college, but didn't pursue it any further. I thought that making money was more important than attending college. I know...not a good choice. I guess that's why I'm so anal retentive with my kids getting an education! I want them to do better than me! As it got closer to me leaving we were at it again. Arguing! Contention...not a good thing! Again...I have no recollection of that day. One thing I do remember is the simple fact that she was mad at me for leaving. 

It was the end of the year 1993, and all I wanted was to just get out of Texas and start a new life somewhere else. You'd think she'd be happy for me, but in the end as my sister and I were departing from our little old apartment on McArdle St. all ended well. I wish I had the 'smiley' pictures to prove it, but they got lost throughout all the moving my mother has done (frown face.)

See a pattern here with my mother's behavior? 

Always getting mad when it came to 'change'. 

I can recall other instances when she would get upset because of something 'changing' in my life. Such as the time I was moving from North Carolina to New Jersey. She had moved from Texas to North Carolina to be closer to us, and then Jon ended up getting transferred to Jersey. Not my fault, but we had to go where the promotion was being given. Another time was when at the age of 18 I decided to move to Florida with my sister. She was livid! I really think that at times she didn't want us to leave her. I know this may not make sense to some of you, but I feel that was her demented way of her expression of love. Getting upset, and then once we were away and settled all would be well over the telephone. 

When chaos broke out in our house this past Sunday morning before heading off to church that was the moment I recognized that I am my mothers daughter. I realized that I am doing the same thing with Sierra. I honestly don't know what triggers my behavior. Perhaps it's the fact that she is leaving to Utah tomorrow and the example my mother set has unfortunately rubbed off on me. Oh man...that is not a good thing! I thank the good Lord that I recognized this behavior and that I am putting a stop to it right now! I don't want to live a life like that every time 'change' occurs, & behaving like a crazy 'mean mom'. 

In my opinion I didn't think I was being mean to her, but in her eyes I was. I didn't criticize or demean her I simply just told her how she shouldn't have gone to UARTS and wasted her time at that school, and how she should have gone to Utah in the first place. This is her life, not mine. Still...no one deserves to be treated that way. No child no matter what age deserves to be treated in any negative manner. I don't think I handled it the right way, but in the end I apologized to her for my actions, explained to her how my mom did the same thing to me, but in the saddest way. We hugged, cried, laughed a little, and I told her how happy I am that she has chosen to go & live with her grandparents & attend college there. I told her how proud I am of all the accomplishments she has done thus far in her life. I was positive & emotional. Emotional because I don't want her to treat her future children the way I treated her. 

My children are the future & I dont want them messed up in any way. Sure we have the holy spirit to guide us throughout our lives & the gospel which brings us strength, but I also have learned that when something great is about to happen the devil tries to step in & mess it all up. I have been battling with such negativity since the new year began, but I have faith that all will be well with Sierra, me, and our family. 

Opposition comes around every once in awhile, but it doesn't have to linger for too long. Luckily I can pray it away, learn and grow from it! 

Sierra is truly is one of my most precious gifts God gave me. One who has gone through quite a bit in her young life & a one of a kind child. 

And she will be missed. 

Just a note:

For those of you who didn't get the chance to know her, didn't hang out with her as much, or 'gave up' on the chance of being a dear friend to her...you missed out. 

But don't fret...hopefully she'll be back for spring break & the  holidays! 

Pornography at 700.

^^ the little house i grew up in Texas, circa- 1997 ^^

A year after my conversion to the LDS church I left Texas in December of 1993 to start my life anew in a different state. I vowed to never look back at the life I lived, and endured in Texas. I never thought I would ever look back and step foot on the lawn of the house I once called home. But I did. I needed to. I had to. For myself. To know that the molestation I endured there for five years was real. That the darkness I had been sheltering inside my mind was real. That none of it was a dream. To know that I wasn't insane. For peace. For closure.

And the year before my stepfather passed away...I did. 

I had forgiven him at that time. I was older and wiser. I had a family, and I knew that with the condition he was in there was no way he could hurt me. 

Anymore.

And all was well. 

Still...I wondered what on earth could have caused him to do such a thing. Maybe it happened to him. I'll never know, but I know this. The poison that was the culprit of this abuse was the fact that there were pornographic magazines in my home. For years I thought it was a dream. I wanted it to be. But it was reality. A reality that so many of us face today. A reality that can cause serious negative consequences to both male and female. A reality that is damaging to mankind. A reality that will hurt a marriage, and break up a family. A reality that is the literal poison of todays society.

That reality is... 

PORNOGRAPHY. 

As a 10 year old child you have no clue as to why a magazine would have a half naked girl on the cover. Even as a 14 year old...I didn't get it. Well at 42...I know now. It is poison. For years these pornographic magazines laid comfortably on the shelf above my head every time i went in to use the bathroom...where it was visible to everyone. 

Pornography was the damage to my household, my self image, and my well being. It destroyed my relationship with my mom which drove me away from her. It made me promiscuous as a teen, naive with boys, caused me to shoplift, drink, and lie. And at one point...I even attempted to take my own life. I count my blessings for my mother to have come home at the right time to rush me into the ER to get stitches on my wrist. It was painful. I cried. Even though I had friends there was no one I could tell, or wanted to know. It was then that I knew that if I continued to live this way in this small town with no one to bear my soul to...who knows what could have happened to me, or where I'd end up. I needed help & those were the ways I was crying out for it.

Pornography may be a normal, and fun "hobby" for some of us, and some may even say, "there's nothing wrong with it, it's harmless, and everybody looks at it." 

Well sorry, but I don't look at it. And never will. I'm a witness to how it affects a persons actions, & it is vicious.

The fact that it was in my home like it was no big deal was the biggest mistake my mom did as to allow my stepfather to have it linger in our home, let alone look at it. I know in the end we all suffered the consequences in some shape or form, and my stepfather suffered so much health wise until the day of his passing in 1998.

Forgiveness was rendered to my mother & our relationship was mended. 

I'm grateful for the things I learned throughout the years while healing from years of molestation. For the gospel that changed my life, and for the beginning of a new life that was saved, and changed for good.

That life was mine.

This experience has helped me teach my children that pornography is a problematic, poisonous, and addictive form of entertainment. It is not clean, or pure, and it can ruin you.

If you are someone who constantly looks at porn having unclean thoughts all the time then there is a problem. It is habit forming so please find a way to realize that these are serious issues & please get the help that you need. 

Every so often talks and lessons are given in our church from apostles, and the first presidency as well as members of our own congregation about the usage of pornographic material, and how damaging it can be. I'm glad that we have a church presidency who is fearless in discussing this worldwide issue, and to acknowledge that it is not good, and that it is a problem. It is easily accessed online & it is everywhere. 

I always wondered why I was so angry all the time even after joining the church. But knowing that I have a Father in Heaven helped me overcome all the bitterness, and anger that was harboring deep in my soul for so many years.  

The look on my face that you see in the picture above was a face of discontentment which harbored painful memories. 

The face I have now is that of forgiveness, love, strength, and courage. And I know that I have healed. No matter what other trials I may have, (and believe me I have them periodically) I know that with hope, and faith they too shall pass. Because they usually do. 

And I know that I will make it.

And I did. 

I have no regrets with everything that I've endured in my past. None. It has molded me into the person I am today. A person of imperfection, but ever loving. A mother who is overall a happy person with a wonderful husband, and pretty awesome kids. Sometimes I can't believe my life.

And I will forever be grateful to God for surviving it, and for the support I've gained from my family then, now and forever. 

"No matter how dark the moment love and hope are always possible."

~George Chakiris

**This talk on pornography given by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland is one of the lessons I taught in Relief Society two years ago, and it is a good one!  

learning to let go & govern themselves.

The hardest part of having children is not having them, or raising them, but letting them go off on their own. To learn, to discover, to experiment, and to govern themselves. Govern themselves. "We as parents have to teach our children to govern themselves" is a saying that I kept hearing when Sierra first started the young women program. In all honesty the first time I heard it, and I mean really heard it I felt a little uneducated as to what it really meant. And I wanted to learn.

See...I didn't understand any of it. None. Zilch. Nada. Govern themselves??? What do you mean? What is that? I wasn't a member of the church at birth, eight, twelve, 15, or 18. So...can you please explain it to me? And eventually they did. I learned and grew with the values and standards this wonderful church has taught our kids, and it has made me a better mother as to how I am raising these girls. 

One thing for sure is that I didn't nor will I ever understand the pressures that come with being raised in the church, or being the only Mormon in high school. Having us parents telling you, teaching you that drinking and smoking is bad. That you can't wear sleeveless clothing, two piece bathing suits, or short, short hootchie shorts that practically show paris, london, and france. That you shouldn't go shopping or go to the theatre on Sundays. That dating begins at the age of 16, and only go on double dates. No. I will never know the feeling of being a raised a mormon as a youth, but I do know the challenges that I had to overcome. The changes that I needed to do in order to become a much more happier person. I was 20 when I joined. Oh yeah...my rebellion, sexual promiscuity, & partying stage was all in my past. I didn't want any of that. Anymore. 

Swearing...we hear it all the time. In school, in books that are assigned to our children to read during high school, and unfortunately...on the home front. You heard it here first folks. Swearing...that is a weakness even for me. Shocked? Yes...I swear. I'm a mormon, and I tend to slip up every now and then. Remember I'm not perfect. No one is. But I recognize that slip up, try my very best to bite my tongue especially in front of the little ones. I've gotten a lot better at it, and it comes in full swing when I'm very stressed or that time of the month. I apologize, and I say to the girls, "it sounds ugly doesn't it?" Especially when that PG-13 movie that we were watching had the word F*!# in it. It sounds horrible. Funny...maybe, but it still has no meaning as to why they say it. Now I can see why we shouldn't watch R rated movies. As awesome and intense (Air Force One, the Terminator), historical (last of the Mohican's, Glory, and The Patriot with Mel Gibson), and dramatic as they may be (Argo, Blood Diamond) I shouldn't watch them. Oh...but I love The Last of the Mohican's!! Oh well...no one is perfect. Still...movies that have a lot, and I mean a lot of swearing in a sense that they should have just titled it F*!# has no interest for me. I hate it, it sounds awful, and I end up feeling terrible afterwards kicking myself why I didn't have the strength to turn it off. Well, now I just avoid watching them altogether. 

Sierra was fortunate to have made good friends, non mormon friends in high school who knew her standards and have respected her when it came to swearing. They'd cover her ears, or mouth the words behind her back. In all honesty...Sierra  has never said a swear word ever (at least not around me.) The first time I heard Sierra say "hell" was when we were discussing the changes in her curriculum, and unforeseeable future at UARTS. She didn't mean to say it, but she is just ready to have this semester over so she can transfer, and start new somewhere else. She said, "Mom, I just want to get the hell out of here." I was shocked, and said to her that even though its in the bible that we shouldn't say it too much! In my eyes it's okay to say it, but then again maybe I'm justifying that in a sense to say or write when appropriate.  I told her to just try not to say it too much, and she knew. She even felt weird afterwards saying it. Here I am a mother who slips a swear word every now and then telling her not to. Yes...I feel like a total hypocrite which makes me want to do better. So much better! It's so sad how circumstances can cause our minds, and hearts to be saddened, and we feel that swearing will make it all better. It doesn't. So...clean language is a value that is important to me, and seriously something that I have to work on.   

Early morning Seminary...don't even get me started on that. I have absolutely no idea how it feels to wake up at 4:30 every morning five days a week excluding holidays for four years to learn about all the important books that keep a person sane, fulfilled, happy, knowledgeable, and spiritual. I know that it helped Sierra endure her four years of high school, and helped her handle any trial, catty drama, and just "life". I know that Seminary is a great tool for the youth, and I am grateful that she got a taste of that. 

Girls camp for four years, EFY, youth activities, personal progress, and so many wonderful church youth programs that are out there to make a kid strong, but that's not always the case. Again...I didn't have any of this growing up, and when our kids go off to these exciting, and testimony building adventures it can help them spiritually, or not. Some go through the motions. Some forget. Some rebel. Some start talking back. Some end up not caring. Anymore. Some give up. I have seen it...not with my kids, but other peoples kids, and it's scary.

So after witnessing teenagers, returned missionaries, and young adults go through these stages of life of inactivity in Sierra's earlier years has helped me for that moment to have her learn to govern herself. Because I wanted her to learn on her own. To know what cause and effect mean. I have seen the despair a parent has when their child has gone wayward, and it's heartbreaking. I still see it.

And then...they turn 18, graduate, apply for college, and leave the house. Live in the dorms. In the city. Philadelphia. Yes, it can be scary. It can be dangerous. Certain people were concerned for her, and I understand why. Luckily...she has survived. She has learned. She has persevered every experience, every trauma she has witnessed (a suicide, gang violence, even putting herself in a situation which could have been worse) Those are her stories that hopefully someday will share with you. But for now...she strives to be the most bubbliest, happiest, carefree, always smiling, loving, funny kind of girl. 

She is my daughter. My firstborn, my solace, and sometimes...my close to perfect example. I love her, and like my mother has told me that she had to learn to let go of me, the last one to have departed the nest...I also have to learn to let her go. Luckily she isn't the last one left in my nest.

And I will. I have to. I have to learn to accept, and support the choices in her life as well as the rest of our children. Her wants. Her needs. This is her time to learn. To discover, and enjoy a different type of freedom. I pray that her thought process, and level of spirituality will not go askew. I pray that she will continue to live up to her standards, to never forget who she is, and to remember everything that has been taught in her life both temporally and spiritually, and that she will take it with her no matter where she goes in this life.

**This talk really helped me when I understood what it meant for our children to learn to govern themselves. It is awesome, and really helped. Really! 

survival.

Many of us have heard the old adage "money doesn't buy happiness" which is true in a materialistic setting, but sorry to burst your bubble quote man, but what about "money buys the necessities of life and makes you at ease and less stressed."

That was my motto at least for the past three months.

The past three months were pretty trying for us all. Financially, & emotionally. Only because we had a daughter who was enrolling in college, and the possibility of moving out of state, (which never happened) was nerve wracking. God obviously had other plans for us, and it was too much change in a short period of time. Our spirituality, on the other hand was solid because I chose for it to be.

Throughout this trial I couldn't help but to take a trip down memory lane when Jon and I were poor newlyweds living in a basement apartment in Utah with a new baby.

Those days were some of the hardest to overcome. I really feel as if I've come a long way since then in having faith, hope, and endurance in handling any adversity that comes our way without allowing it to kick me in the butt.

I don't need to tell you that times are not like what they used to be back in 1995 paying 300 a month for a two bedroom apartment, and for years we were in one until the day we moved and stepped foot into our first house in New Jersey five years ago.

Even though we don't own this house I treat it as if I do. Dolling it up with pops of color in the kids rooms (Noah's handy artwork on the walls), and housing it with priceless memories. I am grateful for having a thrifty sense of direction, and although I love to shop, I'd rather go out and "shop on trips" with my family. I believe that spending money on family trips makes me happier, and I know this may sound odd, but having our summer so productive with adventures helped me endure this trial. 

When the kids started school, and when we finally dropped Sierra off at college life seemed a little less hectic. Well...sort of. Life can still be hectic even now with Jon working again, but knowing that he has a job feels as if an anvil has been lifted off my shoulders. Knowing that we are secure in keeping a roof over our head, and having food on the table is satisfying to me. 

I know that Heavenly Father watched over us and provided us with the things we needed. He has blessed us with strength and determination to endure. To endure this life no matter how hard it gets. To let go of pride, and ask loved ones for help. I look at my husband and thank God that he's mine. That he picked me to spend the rest of his eternal life with. I thank God for giving me someone who stands strong in what he believes in and in working hard. 

This man that I've known for a whopping 21 years has never changed. He never grows weary to serve others, or to provide for us. He's so different from my past, and I need not ever compare him to anyone. He's the reason why I'm able to be a stay at home mom.

Trials...I'm grateful for them because my strength grows, and I feel like superwoman sometimes having  developed unique abilities such as "enduring trials!". 

After all that was said and done Jon pulls out this quote from last months home teaching lesson from President Brigham Young that said:

"All intelligent beings who are crowned with crowns of glory, immortality, and eternal lives must pass through every ordeal appointed for intelligent beings to pass through, to gain their glory and exaltation. 

Every calamity that can come upon mortal beings will be suffered...to prepare them to enjoy he presence of the Lord.

Every trial and experience you have passed through is necessary for our salvation."

Wow! That was a huge eye opener for me. I thank The Lord for having my eyes wide opened throughout every trial I've ever endured not knowing what the outcome was going to be. I know there will be more to come, and believe me when I say this...I am ready for them. 

I have to be, and we will survive.