There is beauty in mothering, but there are also moments of unlovliness. This is a beautiful month in which three glorious occasions are about to occur, (my 20th anniversary of my membership in the LDS church, Mother's Day, and my daughter's 17th birthday), and yet I feel that dark cloud hovering over me again. Motherhood is getting the best of me. I don't like to air out any negativity on my blog, but I need to let those of you know that I'm not always the "perfect & cheerful" mother in which people might see me as. I am strict, very protective of the ones I love, and living in New Jersey has made me develop a unique tolerance in standing up for myself.
We all make a choice in our actions, and when we don't watch ourselves our actions become words. I have realized that there are other people in the world, and in my own community who have worse problems than being "carless". Not that I'm carless all the time, but it's getting to a point where I would love to have our our van fixed. We are going on our third month in not having a vehicle, and as grateful as I am for those (especially the Albrecht family) who are helping us get to church, getting my girls to their lessons, etc.,...I want my own van back.
It hasn't been easy finding a decent used engine & transmission locally or even out of state. I don't know why I thought of this before, but after calling a friend in our church who owns a body shop he found us a good used motor. It's not like we can just fork out $4,000 for a new motor and about $3,000 for a new transmission. You add labor to that amount which is about $1300 (or more.) Ridiculous huh? We were looking close to nine grand on fixing a van we are still paying on! We chose the most affordable route. Luckily my husband is pretty good with cars and he has a few friends that will help him with the labor.
I know that trials come and go. What I don't look at is what happens in the middle of the trial. Am I exercising faith in that trial, and am I showing my children more love than reprimanding them for any little thing they do throughout that trial. I'll tell you and I know this from personal experience is to watch your actions...very carefully! Kids easily pick up the things that are negative, and if it becomes habitual they will learn it, and eventually pass it on to their own family ways. I want our children to be able to handle any trial with faith, patience, and love. Instead of stress, anguish, and tears of sadness I want there to be more moments of joy, and less stress.
Having a teenager who has her plate full with all kinds of activities which requires transportation is hard. I tend to take the little things out on her as opposed to looking at the full picture and realizing that none of this is her fault! She is independent, kind, resourceful, intelligent, and very patient to have a mother like me. I love my children very much, and I feel terrible after scolding them for the dumbest things!
Living throughout this ordeal of not having a running vehicle with four kids, and a hardworking husband who is hardly home is not easy. I am learning from the things throughout this trial as opposed to sulking, and feeling sorry for myself. I want to be able to learn, and realize that everything is on the Lord's timetable...not mine. I don't want to be selfish, or think ill of those whom I feel have no clue as to what I'm going through both mentally and emotionally. I know I should open up my scriptures more when I feel alone, and I don't. I love my family, and what makes me forget about the trials is when I lose myself in service, and focus on others who have it worse.
It's a new day, and yesterday is gone. Life isn't always perfect, but I know that there are a million ways in being a good mom, and I'm grateful that trials come because like life...I have made the choice to be strong, and endure it until the very end.
Changing that calendar this morning was sure a blessing, and an answer to my prayer.
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