A Battle That I Will Win.

I was looking through our photo booth on our mac and found this picture on Sierra's iPhoto. I had to post it because it helps me remember the times when these two get along, and have fun without any altercations. It's hard to believe that this photo was taken sometime early last spring. This photo will be documented as a "lock it in moment" for me. Anytime they do something naughty in the future I can look back at this photo, and have a mommy mantra that'll get me through my "mean mom" phase. It helps me see two happy kids having fun taking pictures on our computer while I thought they were on PBS kids.org.  

Come to think of it...there's a reason why I'm always taking pictures. It's like therapy for me. 

But just remember that no one is perfect. That there is no mother that has it together, and that our life isn't always rainbows, and butterflies. That only God judges, and knows what truly goes on in our hearts, and in our mind...especially mine. 

That everyone has a battle they are fighting to win. 

Yesterday at church in our Relief Society class a lesson was taught on how we can overcome our weaknesses, and strive to do better with our life. Especially on the things that are keeping us from staying on the right path and fighting hard to not fall off of it. Although there are times when we'll have many a slip ups we can always repent and find our way back to eternal progression and try our hardest to never look back. This particular lesson was very emotional for me, and I feel like the Relief Society President and I are like kindred spirits because sometimes I feel we are on the same wavelength when it comes to discussing certain topics. We had a good discussion on looking back and remembering our baptism. Questions were asked about how we felt the day we changed our lives, and cleansed ourself from all the naughty things we had done in the past. Still...just because we got baptized doesn't mean that life is going to be perfect. Just because we got married or sealed in the LDS temple doesn't mean our marriages are going to be struggle free. Just because we have children doesn't mean they are going to make our life any easier, and just because we go to church every Sunday doesn't make us a perfect family. 

This is the part when I have to fight extra hard, and remember all those "lock it in moments" including the day our children were born, the day of my baptism, and being sealed to my family so that we can be strengthened on continuing that path towards the greater good so that we can reign with our loved ones including the Savior forever and forever. 

Although my kids say I'm the greatest mom there is that dark cloud that sometimes hovers over my head telling me different, and this is the battle that I feel keeps me from being that great mom. 

As a middle aged mother with a toddler life can somewhat take a toll on me especially when I'm keeping up with three older daughters, and even though my oldest is out on her own doesn't mean I don't worry, or keep tabs on her. It seems that the older I get I will always be their mother advising, calling, nagging (in a good way), and I'm hoping that once Sierra has met her eternal companion that will all change. I think I've gotten better at giving her time and space so that she can govern herself now that she's 19, but in the end I'll always be there for her (even when she's married!)

It's amazing to see how resilient my kids are after having raised my voice at them for misbehaving. Telling myself over and over again that I don't want to be the kind of mom that constantly yells or nags on them for the silliest things. I gave up a long time ago with Noah's toys being scattered all over the living room floor. Luckily he has learned to "clean up" on his own, and I give thanks to the cartoon "Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood" for that one. There is more to life than cleaning up legos, cars, trains, and every piece of matter that Noah brings in the house from outside. They are still happy even after reprimanding them and it makes me feel guilty because I grew up in a house where there was a lot of yelling, cursing, hurting, and screaming. I remember how quickly I'd get over the hurt my mother caused when she'd yell, and smack my sister and I with the belt. I remember how much it hurt and there is no way in hell that I'm ever going to go down that route with my kids. There's a reason why I don't own many belts come to think of it. Scars take time to heal, and the worst kind of abuse is the verbal kind. I know I'm not following down that path, but the physical kind is what I endured the most. 

There are times when one of the kids will do something that'll spark a repressed memory, and I have to fight the "old Rose" from coming out. Or times when my daughters are going through some petty drama with friends, and it reminds me of the times I had to deal with dumb girls like that in my teenage years. I remember my mother getting upset wanting to contend with those girls including their mothers, but the difference is that she didn't have a firm foundation of the Lord, or gospel to help her overcome those trials, or moments of extreme motherly overprotectiveness. 

I do. 

And I fight hard like hell not to make that happen. 

When those moments pass I thank the Lord for sparing any kind of desire that would cause me to take my anger out on my children, or contend with anyone. I have to admit that when Sierra was a toddler I began to hit her. I realized I needed some serious counseling when I left a red mark on her sweet face, and even though I received counseling I feel as if there are times when I can still use it. That's the dark cloud that often tries me from time to time. I have also cried my eyes out to the point where I've gotten a headache because I feel so guilty for being like my mother sometimes. I know that it's my turn to break that chain, and I'm fighting hard like hell to make it happen. I'm grateful for the faith that I have with God knowing that I can continue to heal from any trauma that I've witnessed, and suffered from my past. I want Noah to know that I'm not really mad when he got his brand new Toms muddy, and wet. Or when Lexie busted her G string on her violin from tightening it too hard last Christmas. I want Chelsea to know that the "mean" looks I give her are not hateful, but stern because I want her to learn right from wrong. I want Sierra to know that words said in anger are never meant, and that I would never backhand her sisters, or her brother like I did when she was little. I don't want to ever hurt my children in any way. I know how it feels to be beaten, hurt, and abused both physically, & emotionally. I don't want my kids to experience any of that. I want them to know that the battle I'm fighting is one that I will win, and that sometimes I have to be tested. But in the end I will fight like hell to pass it. (sorry for using the word hell to much.)

^^^ my jorgybirds, circa-Spring 2010 ^^^

I want them to know that I consider them my "jewels", and like stones they are priceless, precious, and very rare. That they are all of a different cut. That I love them all uniquely, but equally. 

Looking at these photos reassures me that I have amazing children that continue to love me unconditionally and have helped me keep it together no matter what. The older they get, the smarter they get, and the smarter they get the more they know how to handle a mom like me. I'm also grateful for a husband who has the patience like Job to have faith in me that I can do this. That I can fight those demons that cause any repressed memory to come back to haunt me. That I have broken this chain in it's entirety and never have any of our children hurt their future posterity, and so forth, and so on. 

That I will completely be healed from every single kind of abuse that I endured, every repressed memory that comes back, and never pass it on. 

That I can continue on that path to eternal salvation, and live happily with my family, friends, and God forever and ever. 

I pray. I pray. 

a good cause: part II

^^^ two more weeks until this head of hair is gone ^^^

A week has past since we announced that Lexie will be one of the candidates at her school in volunteering to shave her head to raise funds for childhood cancer. We have received so much support, and love from our friends, and I appreciate those of you who have "liked" the St. Baldrick's Facebook page. I know ya'll get bombarded with invites to all sorts of pages, but it touches my heart to see those who've accepted it. You exemplify your caring, and love, and empathy for the cause by just a click of the button. So I, we thank you!  

Lexie has received her first donation online, and I want to thank everyone who is able to do that. I can't stress enough how important this foundation is, and how we'll never give up on finding a cure for childhood cancer. I don't want to sound too pushy, but if you can donate as little as a dollar that would be wonderful. I know nowadays a dollar may be too much for some, but I ask to find it in your heart to strive your best to donate...you will be blessed for your efforts. 

I know some of you have had loved ones die from it, and some who have survived from it. Whether you've already donated before in the past, or feel that you've donated "enough", and feel that you did your part already it shouldn't stop there. Even if you can't donate money to the recipients who are shaving their hair off, or donating their hair to locks of love why not  "donating" a smile instead, a hug, or a "congratulations, I'm so proud of you" moment (which some of you have already done on my daughters picture on Facebook) Those compliments are worth a million dollars, and I so appreciate all my friends...especially those from out of state, and friends from the St. Baldrick's Foundation page , (who I don't consider strangers) who have done that so far.  

Finding a cure for cancer is never going to end, and we will continue to go forth until a cure is found. I'm so proud of my kid for doing such a bold, and selfless move. This is a story she's going to tell to her future posterity, and an experience that she's going to hold dear in her heart for the rest of her life. 

This past week her sister has been finding excuses to play with her hair, and Lexie tells me that all the kids in her class are constantly playing with it too. She doesn't mind, and when they tell her "I can't believe your gonna give up your hair!" Her response is always the same, "it's for a good cause, and it's just hair...it'll grow back!" 

I continue to be amazed at all the choices she makes, and all the things that she does...all in the name of service. 

Again...if you want to donate please click on this link. This is her personal page where donations can be made through the St. Baldrick's website. It will be greatly appreciated! 

Thanks and may God bless you always. 

^^^ Have a wonderful weekend! ^^^

a good cause.

I began to cry. Not because of the fact that her hair will be gone. Not because she's going to look different. Not because I'll be embarrassed to be seen with her. Not because of the questions I might get asked. I cried because my 14 year old daughter decided on her own motive to be one of the candidates to have her hair cut, and buzzed to raise funds for child cancer research. I cried because of her bravery. It's official. She has been chosen, and so the short story goes like this... 

"Mom, what would you think if i shaved my entire head off?" I was like..."uhhh...why, what for?" "It's to raise funds for cancer research." Without hesitation, and a little bit of tears I said "it's fine with me." (my wow moment came shortly after!) She then asked me what her dad would think? I then told her go ask him. Better yet I called his name out to come into the living room. "Hun...come here." "Okay Lexie, ask him now." She asked him and he immediately said "go for it". I knew he would be supportive as we usually are when it comes to something huge, and different like this. I stood up from the couch, gave her a great big hug, kissed her on the cheek, and told her she was amazingly brave for her wanting to do this. 

We began to discuss the details of when it's going to take place, and how does one get chosen. Apparently the staff chooses three students from each grade. Lexie was so serious in wanting to do this that we got up early the next morning to sign a permission slip allowing her to be one of the candidates to participate. We got there a little late, but signed the permission slip anyway. She didn't think she'd get chosen, but I had a strong feeling that she was going to be, and sure enough she came home Friday after school telling me she was one of the chosen ones. I was really happy for her, and let me tell you something...I didn't recant in telling her that she shouldn't do it, and wasn't disappointed that she was chosen. As much I love her beautiful hair, I will love her even more without it! 

My heart swelled because of the choice as to why she's doing this. It is such a great feeling to know that I have a child full of strength and courage with a heart so big that she is willing to do this even thought she's not sick. The fact that we have had many family members from both sides of our families die of cancer has given her more encouragement to do so. Uncles, grandparents, and even friends who have suffered long battles with it, and eventually died from it. 

I began to cry because of the offering she is so willing to give, and in thinking of the cause. I am so pleased with myself in the way that I have raised this child. All of our children are sooooo different, and not everyone would have the audacity to do such a thing. I know that I would not have even thought twice about cutting my hair (was made fun of too much as a kid with an afro) much less having it buzzed off at her age. What an awesome young woman! 

I am in awe of her bravery, and the willingness for her to do such a selfless act of love. I count my blessings that the Lord continues to give me when it comes to our children. I am thankful for having a heart so big in allowing my daughter to give up her gorgeous hair for this stupid thing we call cancer.

And lucky for locks of love to be soon receiving some beautiful, healthy hair that has never been damaged by any chemicals! 

She has three weeks to enjoy her hair before it gets buzzed off! 


The End.

**Our goal is to raise at least $500.00, but we hope to surpass that. If  any of you who would like to donate funds please visit the St. Baldricks Foundation website and you can donate there.  Donations as little as a dollar will help increase the funds! This is such great cause, and again I am humbled that our daughter has chosen to do this.  

A special thanks to those who keep up with this blog!

xxx-Rose

Sharing a love, a great movie, & a pass along card

This past week was filled with sinus pressure, sickness, puke, and lots and lots of zzzzzzz's. I don't think our beds have ever been slept in so much. My husband called into work sick for the first time in eight years, and my oldest in high school missed school for the first time all year! I couldn't believe it. They were fine the day Noah got sick, and somehow those germs were passed on to them the next day! The only child that has been immune to this whole germ infestation has been Chelsea. Yesterday I was able to take her to her piano lesson to meet her new teacher, rent this great movie from Redbox, and had the energy to do a little bit of shopping afterwards. I even had the opportunity to share my faith with a fellow christian.

While I was at the checkout line at Bottom Dollar, this sweet spanish lady came up to me and asked me what my nationality was, and where I was from. I told her I was hispanic, and originally from Texas. She then introduced herself, and proceeded to tell me about her church, and eventually invited me to her church. I was excited about this moment because of the opportunity to not only speak in Spanish, but to share my faith with her as well. I have to tell you I was very impressed on her approach, and in the way she expressed herself about her feelings about the Savior. The checkout line was moving quite quickly, and as I set my stuff down on the counter I then invited her to our church, and then proceeded to tell her a little about the church I attended. Funny how we try to convert each other without any contention! There wasn't too much time to talk except that she kept mentioning how nowadays we need to turn to our life to God. I agreed with her and let her know that even though we attend different churches that we should help others, and live a Christlike life. It was time for me to pay, and so she said thank you for sharing, and for the chance she had to talk to me. I said no problem.

As I was heading to my car, I felt the urge to give her a pass along card of our church. I have some on hand in the glove compartment of our car in case of instances such as this, and boy have I had a lot of those in the past. Chelsea saw what I was grabbing and asked me what I was doing. I then told her that I was going to give that nice lady a card with Jesus picture on it, and to tell her that she is welcome to our church anytime. Luckily they were still in the parking lot unloading their groceries in their trunk, and there she was talking to another person about God. WoW!! I was impressed again! I waited for a pause in her conversation with the gentleman she was talking to, and grabbed the opportunity to wave to her while her husband took over in sharing his reborn experience. I handed her the card, and told her more about our church, and that she could call the 800# in the back of the card if she was interested in learning more about us. She obliged, and thanked me once again. My last words to her were this, "You know sister, we are all searching for that salvation and light of Christ, and no matter what church we go to, what is important is on how we live this life on this earth,  how we teach our children, and how we serve our fellow man. We are all striving for the same goal which is to live like Him, and to share with others the happiness and joy that living a life of Christ can be for us." She agreed, and said to me, "God Bless you", gave my daughter a kiss on her forehead, and we exchanged hugs.

I just love my heritage, and the passion we have to share the love of Christ!!!

Whether or not I may see this lady at our church doesn't matter. I'm sure she'll be thinking the same thing. I know that by sharing our faith with her will bring forth many blessings, and I give thanks to our Heavenly Father for the courage I had to share the love for our Savior in how He changed my life. The movie I watched that day was a perfect example of courage in doing the right thing by God. Standing for what we believe in, and how we should live our life. This woman was a loving example of Christ. She was sharing her love and faith. She was not afraid to approach me to tell me about it, and she exemplified happiness! Bottom line...SHE WAS REBORN.

I remember that day when I entered the waters of baptism, and how I felt afterwards. Happy and cleansed from all my sins. Still...I want to be the member who is always courageous, and fearless in everything that I do. To stand up for truth and righteousness, and in what I believe in. I love sharing our faith, and sometimes we don't think about confronting someone to share it. We may feel that it's not our job, and that the full time missionaries should do it. Well, I love my faith in God, and if I ever seek an opportunity to share it... I am going to do it whether it's online, or in person.

I know there will come a time in where we will all be doing that, and the time for us to begin was yesterday.