Lighting The World!

Two years ago the church began a campaign called Light the world where we can help share the light and joy though simple acts of service all through December. I love this campaign, and the kids loved getting involved as well. It seriously helps us forget our own issues when we focus on others. I love simple Christmases anyway.

Be Still, Listen, & Never Take Anything For Granted.

I find myself to be more in tune with the spirit of the Lord, and spiritually focused when I'm by myself in the house, or when the kids are asleep. It has been a very long time since I've actually had a couple of hours to myself, & I'm beginning to really appreciate that time when I'm alone. No work to be done in the house, no job to have to rush to. No tv on for background noise, nothing. Just pure silence. I've never felt extremely needy for the Lord until now. it's amazing to me that I don't even have a desire to turn the TV on or log onto the computer to scroll through social media after the kids are gone. My priorities are seriously changing more now than ever before. Maybe it's my age, and the fact that all of my kids are getting older, and that they are, even at a young age, are beginning to find what the meaning of life is. Yeah...that's it. I know that when times get tough I tend to turn towards god more. It shouldn't be that way, but I have been praying a lot lately. Praying that i will continue to study the Scriptures every day and not just read them through quickly, but to sit down, think, and I mean really think, wonder, imagine, hope, and pray that even though the days can sometimes be bleak, that the sun will eventually shine after a long storm, and that there are better days ahead. That when one of my kids are having hard times that they will know to always turn to the Lord in prayer for answers, and healing. That my faith will never falter knowing that the decisions my children make especially when it comes to a spiritual one is correct, true, and inspired by God. I know that I have taken the Gospel for granted at times and even though I read with my family in the evenings on a daily basis, and pray with my family, my guilt of not reading the scriptures on my own as much as I'd like has been getting to me, and I don't want to do that anymore. I love my family. I love my heavenly father, and I'm so thankful for all the things that He has put me through in this life to learn so that I can grow spiritually. So that I can appreciate what's around me more, and not even care about the drama that goes on in my surroundings, or social media or how many likes i get on my pictures or the comments that are going to be left on my posts. What matters to me is the time that I have with my family, my friends, and to appreciate the life that I have been given. To pay more attention to the tiniest things that at times I've felt may be unnecessary to pay attention to. 

Prime example...

Noah showed me a picture the other day. He drew a picture of a heart with two stick figures inside, and one was colored red and the other blue. Blue because that's Noah's favorite color, and red because that's Jons. He then asked me to write, "to daddy, this is a heart for you. love noah" and you know what, I stopped what I was doing. I was in the middle of blogging , and immediately got off the computer. I paid attention to him & asked him about the picture and told him how beautiful it was. that his heart was perfect, and that he is perfect, and that his daddy is an awesome daddy, and for that moment I didn't even care about the computer, or anything else. That time was all about him. I have about 4 hours to spare with him in the morning before he goes to school and the moments that i don't pay attention to him will never return. I will never get back those moments. 

Another example...

One morning I came out of my room and saw Noah in the kitchen. I stood behind the small bookshelf near the staircase for a minute without him noticing that I was watching him. I saw him take the milk out of the fridge, grabbing the cereal from the cupboard and attempting to pour it on his own even when the gallon was full. I have seen him attempt that effort at least twice now. That should be a proud mama moment for me because that's telling me that he's independent, but at the same time it was a bit bitter. I know now that he does that on his own, because he probably didn't want to bother me. The fact that he didn't ask, "mommy I'm hungry, can I have some cereal?" made me realize that maybe he feels I'm too busy to help him. Yes, it's great that he's becoming independent, but at the same time probably didn't want to bother me because "mommy's on the computer again." I'm not on the computer for all hours of the day, but to be honest even when I'm on it for even five minutes to google something tells him that I'm too busy, and I don't want him growing up thinking that his mommy was too busy to spend time with him before school.  

Motherhood is the greatest blessing of all, and I don't want to take that for granted either. I don't want to take any of my children for granted no matter how old they get. I love the gospel of Jesus Christ, and that is the key to my happiness. That is what keeps me holding on. My family is the glue that holds me together, and The Lord is the bright light that covers any pocket of darkness. 

When I read the scriptures on my own in a still, quiet place those are the times when I truly feel His presence, and my time is all focused on Him. And what a feeling, and a blessing it is to actually hear His answer! Having my daughter Sierra learning all that she was taught in the MTC can really change your perspective towards many things in life, and I can see that it has for her, and when I don't skip a day of reading the scriptures, and praying my day runs a lot smoother. That works for me, and I see the proof of joy when I do it. 

Because in the end, all that's going to matter to the Lord is what I've done in this life that deals with family, & what I did for others. Nothings gonna matter more to him than that. Sure The Lord may be pleased with how much knowledge one has with the scriptures, but to me what matters is what I did with that knowledge. Not how many scriptures I memorized, but if I'm actually living the gospel, and following those scriptures in a Christlike manner. I'd like to think that I am, and trying my very best to live accordingly. 

I'm grateful for the opportunity I have to listen in on the general women's session which will be held tomorrow evening. The inspiration I receive from our women leaders is so inspiring, and I always leave with my heart cemented to the words that were given, and sometimes it's what I needed to hear. I'm extremely grateful for the gospel, and for my family that I'm so bonded to and love so much because they are the only ones that I'm gonna take home with me when this life comes to an end.

Have a lovely Easter weekend everyone! 

"Fill The World With Love."

One of the things I miss about living in Utah is listening to the spoken word on a weekly basis by attending the temple. Temple square in the center of spirituality. The Salt Lake Temple had copies of the spoken word from that week, and when I got into the habit of attending the temple on a weekly basis I would always make sure I grabbed one on the way out. I can't even begin to tell you the strength I received every time I would read it. Lloyd Newell's thoughts were so inspiring, and always wanted to make me a better person. And you know something, I believe at times it did.

I remember the type of person I was ten years ago while I attending the temple on a weekly basis...softer, kinder, and super duper patient as opposed to where we live now. There are times now when I feel a little rushed, and let's be honest...hard, and bold. Don't get me wrong, I'm still the nicest person you can ever meet, but luckily I catch myself in the things I say to those I come in contact with whether it's my neighbors, strangers, and people at church. I go through major withdrawal when it comes to not going to the temple as much, and till this day have not become used to not going. Attending at least five times a year is probably better than nothing, but man do I miss attending every week! I never want to come to a point and say, "I'm used to not going as much." If anything, I miss going to the temple once a week. I'm so grateful that the Philly temple will be opening up in september so that I can go every week. I always strive to watch my actions, and even though I'm not perfect I will recognize my shortcomings, and work hard to not let it change me completely! It's been tough not being able to go to the temple as much as we'd like, but the memories of all the good things I did while living in Utah, and all the spiritual experiences I felt at the temple will always be etched in my mind. Especially listening to the spoken word. Luckily we can access it online today with just a click of a button!

As I was organizing one of my folders of old newspaper clippings from the church news, and various handouts I received from church throughout the years I stumbled upon a stack of the spoken word pamphlets. There was one in particular that caught my eye, and goes very well with the purpose of this post, and how i feel about the world today. No matter how hard life gets, or how ugly the world may seem, I know that I can make it beautiful for myself, and my family, and fill my thoughts, and actions with love. 

Lloyd D. Newell said, "Love is the most powerful force in the universe. Love blesses both giver and receiver, and resounds in hearts forever." He continues with saying, "It's true that we're all born with differing interests, capacities, strengths, and weaknesses. But one thing we all need is to receive and give is love. We need it in order to grow into the kind of people we're capable of becoming. More loving, more courageous, more loyal. All virtues have their root in love." 

How true that is. 

My children, no matter how much they may drive me crazy keep me grounded when it comes to joy, and rooted in love. They are the solid footing to my everyday life, and because it's Valentines Day weekend want them to know how much I love them, and how I would do anything for them to keep their hearts happy. 

There's a quote I shared in this old post five years ago ( gosh my kids look young!), and it reminds me of what Valentines Day means, and how expressing love to one another is important. It is my hope that no matter how hard some days may get that I will always look at it positively, and always, always express those three words, "I love you" to my family every day. 

Happy Valentines day weekend! 

Imperfections.

For the past year I have been noticing an increase in members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints who are ten years (or more) younger than me leaving the religion. It seems like the majority of them are leaving the church for various reasons. One big one is the fact that equal rights is not happening within the church (sorry, but women do not need to hold the priesthood), not conforming or "fitting it" in with other members, or because some feel a little overwhelmed, imperfect, or even burned out with the church. Newsflash...this church is all about love, activity, and fellowshipping, and even though some may not fulfill the task 100 percent or even 10 percent--no one is perfect. And that is why are our faith is tested from time to time so that we can spiritually grow, and help those who may be feeling all of the aforementioned feelings. Something we all have to remember, and in my opinion is the number one reason why so many go inactive, or leave the church is because one has been offended.

The church is true, but people are not. 

Every ones reason for joining the church is different, and every ones reason for leaving the church is different. Whether they joined on a whim because of loneliness, divorce, solace, a boy, or whatever. Everyone has their own reason, and fortunately for me I joined for the right reasons regardless of my imperfections, and the things I did before and after I joined. Thing is when I first joined I literally felt like a bit of an outcast in unfamiliar territory, but throughout all those feelings of inadequacy I came to terms that in order for me to grow, learn, and become more familiar with the church was to truly convert within the gospel, and not anyone else. I needed to go through all of those tests in order for me to be who I am today. I had a pretty messed up childhood, and because of that I was searching for a higher ground, and an LDS commercial that aired on television 22 years ago was the answer to my salvation not only from my home, but from the life I was living.

How imperfect am I? 

Lots of imperfections in this gal! On occasion the words, s#*t, and hell, will slip under my breath. I have even said it out loud in front of my kids. It's something that I have to work on. I will tell you that I never used to utter those words (except when i was a teenager!) until about a year ago. A lot has happened within my family this past year which maybe someday I'll write about, but I'll tell you it's not easy. But I have faith that things will get better because they always do. 

And as I write this they are. 

There was a time in my life where both Jon and I were not active. I remember how it felt to not have the spirit with us. I remember how trials were even harder for us to handle. We were living in President Thomas S. Monson's ward in Utah out of all places where you'd think we'd be super active. Ummm....Not! It's a choice. It was a choice to not be fully committed, and we chose to not attend church, hence all the struggling. It was a choice not to attend our meetings faithfully, or pay a full tithe. We chose to not do the things that I learned to attain as a disciple of Christ. This was 18 years ago when my first daughter was born, but at that point in my life I was still trying to figure out who I truly was, and finding ways to heal from my childhood abuse. 

Being the only member in my family was not easy, and not having enough support from family, and friends didn't help my attitude with people. Even though I knew that this was the most perfect place to worship God, and to spiritually grow I had to learn on my own, and pray really hard to truly convert to the gospel. I remember how it felt to be somewhat of an outcast being the only ethnic in my ward in Utah. This was almost 23 years ago so ethnicity in the church then was not as common as it is now. I've realized that after moving around from state to state that we couldn't escape our issues to conform. 

But we did it anyway. 

Although it took many moves to different states having different bishops, relief society presidents, home teachers, visiting teachers, and friends to recommit to the gospel we remembered. We remembered how wonderful the whole plan of salvation was, and how beautiful it will be to live with our family for eternity. We remembered why (whether we were born into the church or not) we accepted the gospel. We ended up making the choice to clean up our act, and focus on the things that made us happy before our inactivity.  Mind you we were not married in the temple, but were sealed. And boy will I be forever grateful in not rushing to get to the temple, and to enter it on my own motive. 

My solution in striving to be devout.

I stopped caring about what people thought, and stopped looking for the negative. I've learned that when you look for negativity that you are indeed going to find it. I began caring more for what my Heavenly father thinks, and how I can better myself in thinking of others. 

I'm in my mid 40's now, with a daughter in college, and three younger children to raise, and I personally don't reflect or concentrate on what others think of me or if I'm "fitting in." I don't have time for drama, or any kind of nonsense that is unnecessary (although it can be tough because you see it within the members, but again I blow it off.) I strive to observe the good in others. Times are changing, and the adversary is out there to make us think otherwise. He wants us to feel lost, miserable, and to be against each other, and to make us feel that we don't need God or any religion to make it back home. Heck, he's even making others believe that we come from monkeys, or a piece of matter. I personally know that Jesus is the Christ, and that I am a daughter of God. It sounds easier to say it, but if you really get down on your knees, pleading and talking to Him about why you are living and who you are, He will listen. And you will feel that answer warm up in your heart. Satan wants us to think that what looks bad is really good. I know how Satan works because he really tries me when it comes to life. 

But I don't let him. 

I fight him. I fight him with every fiber of my being by attending church, and making my home a heaven on earth. I love attending my meetings, and learning all about the doctrine that is being taught. It works for me & my family. I know that as my kids get older they will find their own way in this world, and when they leave the nest is when they will truly be tested with the things they do, with their testimony of the gospel, and all they were taught in the home.. I am raising them the best I can, and no matter how hard it is I am letting them govern themselves. They know I don't portray myself as a perfect mom because I'm not! I'm soooooooo far from perfect, and I don't mind. I don't mind because it gives me something to fight for every day. It gives me something to work at every day event though I'll never get there, and I don't get bored. I stopped feeling sorry for myself a long time ago, whining and complaining on how members should act because I'm not perfect! Worrying doesn't get us anywhere, and  I don't want my kids to see me all stressed out, and unhappy because they're going to learn it from me. I am grateful for the scriptures that we have that build me up & let me tell you...when I don't pray, read, or do anything that is positive my days are chaotic, and my attitude is not the greatest. So far I feel as if I'm getting better. I have noticed that the older I get, the older my kids get, the more I attend the temple, the more trials I have, and the more I share and bear my testimony that my strengths take over my weaknesses. And it is a wonderful feeling!

Any media that is out there to prevent us from falling away, think rationally about the decision on how to view it. I could have easily been inactive and probably divorced had Jon & I not worked on our marriage. Whether we are raised in the church or converted at the age of 8, 12, 15, 20, 39,  50, or 70 we all have our reasons why we chose the path of the Lord. All of us had a different upbringing. Mine wasn't the prettiest, but it certainly wasn't the darkest. And I survived. And my solace, strength, and answer was seeking a higher divine. A light. And the religion that did it for me was the LDS religion. It takes major effort, trusting in God, but most of all having Faith in God to know that I will strive to endure to the end.

Everyone has their own agency and we can choose what we want.

I chose this religion, and one thing I am grateful for no matter how much I wish we didn't have is our free agency.  Without it we would never be able to experience the trials of life, heartache, and decisions of why we aren't going to church anymore. Justification is huge in our religion and many of us justify a lot of things so that we don't feel guilty. I used to be like that, but then again I worked on that and any temptation that I had such as stealing and  smoking have completely gone away. Completely & when I asked my husband why that is & how that could be because I was a major Clepto, and on occasion smoked cigarettes! It was then Jon said to me, "because you have truly repented not to do it anymore & because of that true remorse you have towards God, He has helped you to overcome those struggles, and don't get tempted anymore."

So to all of you who are struggling in testimony, identity, temptation, know that with me you are accepted and loved, and I don't judge. I love my gay friends & I accept them. I love anyone with a cool tattoo on their body. I love anyone who strives to do the right thing by coming to church every other week or month! I love my nonmember community (not too many Mormons around here) I love my nonmember family, and to all my sisters and brothers in the church that I've met in different states whether you're active or not...I Love You too! But know that we will never reach perfection no matter how hard we try. Attending my meetings with my family for three hours and fellowshipping other's brings me all kinds of happy. I choose to live this way and as long as Heavenly Father is on my side I will continue to fight for my weaknesses to become strengths, and endure to the end. 

And in the end we must not allow any bull crap to break us away from what we believe in!

Living the gospel is not that hard. It's up to us on how we work, and look at it. We do have standards in which to live by, but if we are truly, and fully committed it won't be that hard to hold them high. Obeying the laws of the Lord can prevent future heartache, and major consequences. 

Believe me. I know! 

Have Faith.

Jeffrey R. Holland said, "Above all, never lose faith in your Father in Heaven who loves you more than you can comprehend  Never, ever doubt that, and never harden your heart" is a reminder to help guide us when we're confronted with any emotional trial whether big or small. Especially one that is so fragile, and unexpected in which we've never faced before. It can ease us through the grievances, and heartache it will bring. With that said quote we not let the adversary win, and harden our hearts, but to have faith that no matter what happens in the end it'll be God's will, and plan.

As parents you never know what you're going to expect when it comes to your child. We create them, and nurture them the best we can in raising them with true principles, but in the end they will find their own way. And as parents we want them to find the "correct" way, but that's not always going to be the case. Sometimes they're going to hit a  few bumps on the road, and find ways to heal from their mistakes. Some ways may be by default with negativity, and some ways may be followed by making good choices with positive actions.  There will be moments when all you want to do is coddle them to help them find their way back to goodness, but all you can do is allow them to find their own way in hopes that it is a positive one, pray your heart out, and have faith that everything will work out in the end. By reminding them constantly of who they are in this world, what their purpose is in this life, and what they were taught throughout their youth in the church as well as in the home where they once felt safe, but most of all letting them know that they are never alone. 

Raising children requires a lot of work from the moment they come out of our womb. And in between the laughter, and good times bringing a child in this world is hard from the beginning, in the middle, and also when the time comes for them to leave the nest. Some of us end up having high expectations because let's face it...we all want our children to do better with their life both spiritually and temporally. Unfortunately, we have the adversary who is roaming around with his claws wide open working overtime waiting to bring down every good soul out there who has so much to give in this life. Tricks them by making something that's bad, look really good. Tests them to the point where he will find ways to target them because of their valiance, worthiness, and make them feel the exact opposite...a failure, unworthy, useless, damaged, used up, and no good. I know this because I have been there, and I see it happening to the youth. The best part of being a parent in spite of all the hardships one faces while parenting, is the unconditional love we have for our children, and the love that comes from within. And in between the yelling, lecturing, and disappointment...is love. Love and compassion. Many of us may not have that, hence hardening our hearts to the point to oblivion where we are feeling like miserable souls ourselves. Sad, and crying like we've never before because we put our trust in God, and everything we believe in hopes that they'll never forget what morals, and values they were taught as children, goals they had set up in hopes that they will achieve them, as well as people we trusted to guard, and protect our children.  

One thing we can rely on, and hope to never forget is knowing that the love we have comes form the Divine to help ease our soul, and mind for any bad situation one may be in whether it's suffering from depression, drugs, alcohol, or breaking the law of chastity. Building, and having faith in knowing that can bring us more hope, less stress, and help our faith grow even stronger.  

**You can read the rest of Jeffery R. Holland's talk "Like a Broken Vessel" here.

The Shore Brings Constant Joy.

Going to the beach the other day was the perfect remedy to the week I had, and is always the answer to the stresses of life. Not that I stress a lot, but seriously...with Robin Williams death, and the rain that we've had lately really brought me down. Even though he wasn't someone I knew personally, he was someone that my heart connected with in laughter, and escape. His escape from his depression was making us laugh, and my escape from all bad things that were surrounding me throughout my childhood was watching him on a 19 inch black and white television set laughing my head off  to  his character of Mork. Some of y'all may be laughing while reading this, and voicing how he was just another celebrity who took his own life, but to me he was a big deal in my world (including my family's.) And the way that he left the world saddened me, but life goes on. And after the rain forms a beautiful rainbow, and to me that is a reminder from the divine telling me that life is good. Having my little boy running towards me, and clinging on to me every time a wave would crash into his tiny body testifies to me that I am his safety guard. His solace. The one he'll run to when something scares him, or freaks him out. The one who always wants me to be there every time he tries something new. The one who wants me to see that he discovered his own footprints in the sand. And that even though they wash away he can make those footprints reappear. And just like that we can come back from having a stressful day and revert it into one of the most happiest, and meaningful days of our life. 

This day at the beach was so unique. So unique that the waves were pretty massive! In all the times we've ever been to the beaches around the jersey shore I've never seen them so high, and "fluffy". It was a perfect day for anyone who loves to surf. 

I was sitting from a distance watching the waves & it was so neat to see three rows of them coming together as if they were steps, and to see the sky turning into a different color as the sun was setting was absolutely beautiful! 

There were other people who were standing close to the water just as Noah and I were in the picture above just staring at them. I can see that I'm not the only being in this world who comes here to escape, and be surrounded by this kind of joy. Watching and listening to the waves was so RELAXING! I love it here! If I lived even 20 minutes away I'd be here everyday just to sit and listen to the waves crashing. So to those of you who live right across the "sand" from a beach I sure hope you're taking advantage of it because I'd trade places with you any day!

The beach is truly one of my joys.

Living an hour away from the beach is such a blessing, and I'm so grateful we make the time to go. The kids always, always have a blast when we come. Even though they are content to go in our little backyard to splash and play in their little blue pool, the look on their faces when I tell them that we are going to the beach today instead is a kodak moment. One that will be etched in my mind for always.

And now for some photos. I didn't take too many as I was too busy inhaling God's beautiful creation. Lexie was a fanatic at taking pics too!

 ^^^ Digging for treasure and attempting to build a sand castle is always a must before anything else. ^^^

 ^^^ Then comes playing in the water. ^^^

 ^^^ I spy a surfer dude. ^^^

 ^^^ These two are longing to learn how to surf. ^^^

 ^^^ How about a double high five for the waves that we're getting! ^^^

We could have been here all night. So thankful for this day, and for the strength that I have in having faith in myself to know that there is so much to live for, and have constant joy for this thing called life. It's awesome, and I wouldn't jeopardize it for anything in the world. I love myself, and I love my family! 

Hope y'all have a wonderful weekend! 

In the Beginning.

Salt Lake City, Utah-circa, Spring 1994

After reading this story and watching this heartfelt film I was inspired to share a little bit of my story in the hardships that I have faced when it comes to finances. I think everyone has been there at one point or another and if you haven't then God Bless You! Growing up in a low income family was tough. I can probably write an entire chapter about how life as a child was for me with not learning the value of a dollar, or what the purpose was behind those allowances. Maybe that's why at the age of seven I saved like 36 dollars and hoarded it inside my little red Hello Kitty wallet like there was no tomorrow. I wasn't sure if I should spend it or save it. I thank my mom for giving me chores at a young age which resulted in rewarding me with a couple of dollars a week, and teaching me responsibility in keeping a house in order, but she missed something. She missed teaching me how money is used. She missed how it is there to save for a rainy day. She missed telling me that it's okay to not have what others had. She missed telling me that no matter what, we are "rich" because we have each other. She missed a lot of things, and because she did I feel as if I didn't understand the concept of money especially when I got married. 

My mother struggled herself as it was for the first nine years of my life until my stepfather came into the picture so having him around did help support us for a while...until he himself became ill. I firmly believe that when we are not taught the value of a dollar based on the principle that goes behind the meaning of "money" can lead us into a path of destruction that can teach us valuable lessons. Lessons that we regret later on in life in which we don't want to get ourselves mixed up in or want our children to learn.  

This was my lesson.

I had my first "real" job at the age of 16, and still didn't grasp on the true principle of saving money. I never stuck to one job, and at that point in my life I was a hot mess. To tell you the truth I honestly don't remember what I did with my money after getting my paychecks. I know I shopped a bit buying things here and there, but I know I never saved any of it. I lived with my sister for a short while in Florida after high school when I was 18, and that only lasted for a summer.  I got a job in Pensacola at the mall, but still didn't grow from anything. Things weren't working out for me and knew I had to go back to Texas. I knew I had to get my act together, and go to college. Funny how the Lord works, and how He puts us on unexpected paths in which we'd never thought we'd lean toward. He had a plan for me, but even though it was a great one...I still had a lot to learn. Boy did I have a lot to learn. And the trials that were to come ahead of me were huge. At least for me. 

One of the greatest things that happened to me was converting to this wonderful church which helped me emotionally and spiritually. I met my husband in Texas where he was serving his mission (no funny business occurred.) When I moved to Utah he was working as a manager at a locally owned restaurant called Sam's Express, and I was doing a little bit of modeling for McCarty Agency. Not a lot of pay, but it was fun. After a while we began to date, and eventually got married. Our wedding was so simple. I rented my brocade 80's looking dress for 200, bought my brocade shoes for 35 bucks, my mother in law made my veil, and my dear friend Stacie did my bouquet, and flowers. Food was cheap and my mother made chicken croissant sandwiches with pasta on the side. Eclairs, creme puffs, and fruit were the dessert, and we had about 80 people show up to extend their regards in a small LDS chapel in Sandy, Utah. It was simple, sweet, and our entire wedding cost under a grand. 

One great thing I remember about Jon when I first met him was that he was so good at saving money.  I felt secure because he had a job that was good enough for us to afford our tiny studio apartment on South Temple in downtown Salt Lake, but we were about to have a baby...unexpectedly. I was pregnant. It was hard because I actually enjoyed working. I quit modeling, and actually enjoyed sitting in an office typing my fingers away making some decent money. We were lucky we didn't have any student loans because A) I got a grant which I didn't have to pay back for the two years I went to college, and B) Jon had no loans due to attending no college. We figured we'd be able to make ends meet, and that I'd be able to work until Sierra was born, but that didn't happen. I ended up having toxemia which resulted in being on bed rest for the last six weeks of my pregnancy, hence causing Sierra to be born a few weeks early. We were lucky that a program called "Baby Your Baby" saved us that prevented us from paying any hospital and medical bills. She was a free baby! We were on medicaid for a while until Jon began working for Rent A Center. We then had excellent insurance, and I went back to work thinking things are going to be peachy king. They were for a few years until we got caught up in a web of credit card debt. I'm no math major so I didn't understand what interest was or how it worked. Heck, I didn't even know how to write a check until I got married! The downward spiral began and we got ourselves into this hot financial mess, and it was so hard to get out of it. Moving back and forth from Utah to Texas off and on for ten years didn't help our stability either in trying to establish ourselves in owning a home. We then got caught in a vicious cycle of getting those payday loan advances which caused us to get even more behind. We were so desperate in making ends meet the first eight years of our marriage it wasn't even funny. We realized that we needed a solution, and that somehow we had to get out of it. 

Man did we struggle. From pawning stuff to selling my clothes at consignment shops. Luckily I've always been a thrift shopper otherwise things could have been a lot worse! I reflect back on my life, and sometimes wonder how I made it this far with the same husband! We had patience with each other, and faith in God. Some years have been great, and some not so great. This struggle was real, and I know that they won't end. We will always have some kind of trial in our life, and this was mine in the beginning of our marriage. Financial hardships can cause a strain on marriages, and when we don't learn it when we're young it can easily be passed down to our posterity, and become a learned behavior. We don't ever want that to reflect on our children, and have been teaching them the value of a dollar, and the pro's and con's of credit cards. How they should only get one to establish credit and not max it out in a week! We are teaching them true principles on how to save their money. They have gotten in the habit in paying their tithing first when they earn a reward or allowance. We've taught them to secure their future by doing well in school, and attending a good college. We've taught them to serve, and help others. We've taught  them that material things don't make the world go round, and just because other kids are trendy that they don't have to follow. 

I'm grateful for all the times our families helped in times when we really needed it. We've accepted for our arms to be wide open when they offer a helping hand. I hope to be able to return that comfort and favor when they're in need. I'm also grateful to the church who has helped us in many ways when times got extra tough. None of us want to get in a financial bind, but sometimes that burden can become so heavy on your shoulders that you just need to swallow your pride and ask for help. 

In the past six years of living in New Jersey I have to say that the past 10 months was the hardest. Even though we paid way ahead on our rent & utilities when Jon lost his job, it was still tough for him to find a job where he can support all of us. These days even with a degree you're either overqualified which in Jon's case was neither qualified because of no college history. Luckily his experience with working with people and only having four jobs in 30 years has helped employers see that he stays with a job for a long period of time. I count my blessings that Sierra's first semester in college was "free" and that we've had some help along the way. For the most part we have been blessed by the Lord in having Jon landing such a great job in which he will begin next month.  He has always been a hard worker, and no matter what always held onto his jobs whether he liked them or not. 

I'm so lucky to have married a man who stuck by me through all the hardships we've endured, and this one was pretty big. What is it with money anyway? We were young, dumb, and have truly learned so many lessons from all our past mistakes. Our faith was, and will always be strong no matter what challenges come our way. 

I don't ever want any of my children or any one that I care about go through the financial hardships we went through at such a young age, hence this film. It truly brought back memories, and watching it was a reminder for me to never go on that path again. To continue to teach my children the value of a dollar so that they will never get themselves into a financial bind, and to pass this message on to their future posterity. 

A Battle That I Will Win.

I was looking through our photo booth on our mac and found this picture on Sierra's iPhoto. I had to post it because it helps me remember the times when these two get along, and have fun without any altercations. It's hard to believe that this photo was taken sometime early last spring. This photo will be documented as a "lock it in moment" for me. Anytime they do something naughty in the future I can look back at this photo, and have a mommy mantra that'll get me through my "mean mom" phase. It helps me see two happy kids having fun taking pictures on our computer while I thought they were on PBS kids.org.  

Come to think of it...there's a reason why I'm always taking pictures. It's like therapy for me. 

But just remember that no one is perfect. That there is no mother that has it together, and that our life isn't always rainbows, and butterflies. That only God judges, and knows what truly goes on in our hearts, and in our mind...especially mine. 

That everyone has a battle they are fighting to win. 

Yesterday at church in our Relief Society class a lesson was taught on how we can overcome our weaknesses, and strive to do better with our life. Especially on the things that are keeping us from staying on the right path and fighting hard to not fall off of it. Although there are times when we'll have many a slip ups we can always repent and find our way back to eternal progression and try our hardest to never look back. This particular lesson was very emotional for me, and I feel like the Relief Society President and I are like kindred spirits because sometimes I feel we are on the same wavelength when it comes to discussing certain topics. We had a good discussion on looking back and remembering our baptism. Questions were asked about how we felt the day we changed our lives, and cleansed ourself from all the naughty things we had done in the past. Still...just because we got baptized doesn't mean that life is going to be perfect. Just because we got married or sealed in the LDS temple doesn't mean our marriages are going to be struggle free. Just because we have children doesn't mean they are going to make our life any easier, and just because we go to church every Sunday doesn't make us a perfect family. 

This is the part when I have to fight extra hard, and remember all those "lock it in moments" including the day our children were born, the day of my baptism, and being sealed to my family so that we can be strengthened on continuing that path towards the greater good so that we can reign with our loved ones including the Savior forever and forever. 

Although my kids say I'm the greatest mom there is that dark cloud that sometimes hovers over my head telling me different, and this is the battle that I feel keeps me from being that great mom. 

As a middle aged mother with a toddler life can somewhat take a toll on me especially when I'm keeping up with three older daughters, and even though my oldest is out on her own doesn't mean I don't worry, or keep tabs on her. It seems that the older I get I will always be their mother advising, calling, nagging (in a good way), and I'm hoping that once Sierra has met her eternal companion that will all change. I think I've gotten better at giving her time and space so that she can govern herself now that she's 19, but in the end I'll always be there for her (even when she's married!)

It's amazing to see how resilient my kids are after having raised my voice at them for misbehaving. Telling myself over and over again that I don't want to be the kind of mom that constantly yells or nags on them for the silliest things. I gave up a long time ago with Noah's toys being scattered all over the living room floor. Luckily he has learned to "clean up" on his own, and I give thanks to the cartoon "Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood" for that one. There is more to life than cleaning up legos, cars, trains, and every piece of matter that Noah brings in the house from outside. They are still happy even after reprimanding them and it makes me feel guilty because I grew up in a house where there was a lot of yelling, cursing, hurting, and screaming. I remember how quickly I'd get over the hurt my mother caused when she'd yell, and smack my sister and I with the belt. I remember how much it hurt and there is no way in hell that I'm ever going to go down that route with my kids. There's a reason why I don't own many belts come to think of it. Scars take time to heal, and the worst kind of abuse is the verbal kind. I know I'm not following down that path, but the physical kind is what I endured the most. 

There are times when one of the kids will do something that'll spark a repressed memory, and I have to fight the "old Rose" from coming out. Or times when my daughters are going through some petty drama with friends, and it reminds me of the times I had to deal with dumb girls like that in my teenage years. I remember my mother getting upset wanting to contend with those girls including their mothers, but the difference is that she didn't have a firm foundation of the Lord, or gospel to help her overcome those trials, or moments of extreme motherly overprotectiveness. 

I do. 

And I fight hard like hell not to make that happen. 

When those moments pass I thank the Lord for sparing any kind of desire that would cause me to take my anger out on my children, or contend with anyone. I have to admit that when Sierra was a toddler I began to hit her. I realized I needed some serious counseling when I left a red mark on her sweet face, and even though I received counseling I feel as if there are times when I can still use it. That's the dark cloud that often tries me from time to time. I have also cried my eyes out to the point where I've gotten a headache because I feel so guilty for being like my mother sometimes. I know that it's my turn to break that chain, and I'm fighting hard like hell to make it happen. I'm grateful for the faith that I have with God knowing that I can continue to heal from any trauma that I've witnessed, and suffered from my past. I want Noah to know that I'm not really mad when he got his brand new Toms muddy, and wet. Or when Lexie busted her G string on her violin from tightening it too hard last Christmas. I want Chelsea to know that the "mean" looks I give her are not hateful, but stern because I want her to learn right from wrong. I want Sierra to know that words said in anger are never meant, and that I would never backhand her sisters, or her brother like I did when she was little. I don't want to ever hurt my children in any way. I know how it feels to be beaten, hurt, and abused both physically, & emotionally. I don't want my kids to experience any of that. I want them to know that the battle I'm fighting is one that I will win, and that sometimes I have to be tested. But in the end I will fight like hell to pass it. (sorry for using the word hell to much.)

^^^ my jorgybirds, circa-Spring 2010 ^^^

I want them to know that I consider them my "jewels", and like stones they are priceless, precious, and very rare. That they are all of a different cut. That I love them all uniquely, but equally. 

Looking at these photos reassures me that I have amazing children that continue to love me unconditionally and have helped me keep it together no matter what. The older they get, the smarter they get, and the smarter they get the more they know how to handle a mom like me. I'm also grateful for a husband who has the patience like Job to have faith in me that I can do this. That I can fight those demons that cause any repressed memory to come back to haunt me. That I have broken this chain in it's entirety and never have any of our children hurt their future posterity, and so forth, and so on. 

That I will completely be healed from every single kind of abuse that I endured, every repressed memory that comes back, and never pass it on. 

That I can continue on that path to eternal salvation, and live happily with my family, friends, and God forever and ever. 

I pray. I pray. 

enduring to the end when it comes to the temple.

^^^ front of the Philly temple ^^^

Five years ago during General Conference it was announced that a temple in Philadelphia will be built. Even though we'd only been living here for a few months we were totally stoked when we heard the announcement!! I love the temple, and although I don't mind driving hours to attend to one the feeling of having one so close to home is awesome! It's unfortunate that there were so many roadblocks that prevented this particular temple for the groundbreaking to be done, and dedicated but alas it's getting done, and is in the process of being built. It just goes to show you that "no unhallowed hand will stop the work of the Lord from progressing" and this is proof that it never will. And that is truly a miracle! 

^^^ side view of the Philly temple ^^^

I remember when there was just a big hole in the ground and how it took forever for any kind of structure to be up. And now there is. Every time we drive into Philly I have to drive by the temple site, and I never grow weary in doing so. I'll pullover for a few minutes & just stare up at it. How easy it'll be to drive across the bridge, or take the train into the city to enter in the House of the Lord when you feel you need peace for the day, week, or month. I remember when we lived in Salt Lake how Jon would go in the morning right before work and start the day right.  

I really hope, and pray that members from our surrounding area will attend frequently, and forgive me for saying this not "whine" about the 5 dollar toll, train ride, gas or parking. One thing I have noticed since moving here is listening to members complain (yes, complain) about how far driving to the temple in D.C. is and how expensive tolls are with gas, etc. Literally made my heart sad because I remember when I first joined the church in Texas how there was only one temple built and how members in my ward then would drive eight hours to Dallas! Eight! My sweet friend Sharon who has now passed on had Multiple sclerosis, and literally drove her van to the ground because she attended the temple in Dallas so much. Memories of her temple stories were a motivator for me, and I will always treasure her experiences, and will always remember the glow on her face as she would talk about them. She never once whined about the long drive especially when it was during those hot Texas summers. Too bad I never had the opportunity to attend the temple with her, but I know that I will see her on the other side. She lived a great life, one that was true, filled with commitment for the Lord, and I know that she will definitely be on the other side of heaven waiting on her loved ones.

Learning how hard the pioneers endured by sacrificing everything they owned, and had in order to establish "Zion", and complete the building of the temple is a key factor as to why I love the temple so much. I'm not an aficionado on Mormon doctrine, or the pioneers but I know that they sacrificed so much for us so that we can have this restored gospel, and to have these beautiful buildings built so that we can do work for our kindred dead. 

I know there are many of us with financial hardships, health issues, or "work a lot" during the week to not make the two hour drive to the temple, but I know that with perfect faith The Lord can help us make it there. As many temples as I have been to in different states I can't even begin to tell you how many brothers, and sisters with disabilities and old age attended. It's amazing to see these widows, and widowers gathered together just to make it to the temple. They endure to the end, and make it a priority. It's doable folks because Jon and I attempt to go at least once a month. Through all the hardships we have endured since losing his job last summer we've never given up on going to the temple. I just hope and pray that when I'm a senior citizen that I'll be able to endure just as those sweet old couples, widows, and widowers.

While Jon was out of a job recently during the brutal winter we sometimes went twice a month because we believe in the blessings that come from it. We believe that in God's time we will blessed with good things, and we never give up on the Lord. I have sacrificed too much, learned too much, built a testimony far greater than I could ever imagine to just throw it all away by not attending the temple. And no matter how hard life may get whether it's emotional, or financial I will not let this beautiful building go to waste. No matter where we live I will make sure that my family and I make it to the temple. It's so important to teach our children from a young age what the temple is all about because in the end they are going to be doing the work for us. They are the ones that are going to continue the family history, and build our heritage. I personally think it's about time that my children index, and do family history work. I know that it will strengthen them spiritually, build their testimony, gain a greater faith, and help them to appreciate their ancestors as well and truly "get" why we have these beautiful buildings called The House of the Lord. 

22 years a latter-day saint.

So...this past Saturday (same day as Mormon prom) marked 22 years of becoming a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. So if you thought I was turning 22 because of the sign I'm holding bless your heart...I'm actually 42!

Every spring I look forward to many milestones. This being one of them. I can't believe a whopping 22 years have gone by since joining this wonderful church that teaches me about God & gives me hope in times of despair, strength when I am weak, and love when I hurt. 

As I stood up to bear my testimony in front of our congregation this past Sunday with eyes glaring at me whilst bearing my soul I couldn't help but to feel so much love from my Heavenly Father. It amazes me sometimes the feeling that comes over me after sharing my testimony. I feel at peace, and couldn't thank my Heavenly Father enough for giving me the chance to have started my life over again in hopes to become a better human being.

My testimony is always different each time I bear it. I let the spirit guide in the things I want to share. As I recall in my testimony I mentioned how life without the gospel is hard, and it was extremely hard throughout my youth without it. I know this because I didn't have it for the first 20 years of my life. It has helped me in times of challenges and stress, family, people, and overall "life". It strengthens me in ways that are profound, and I am so grateful to always find the courage to share it with others when the time is right. It's so important to focus on the things that bring us positive moments, and to strive to be a better person no matter how rough this thing called life gets.

There is so much I want to say in a testimony, and so little time. There are even moments where I gather all these thoughts in my head as to what I'm going to say and then when I get up there I end up saying something completely different. It's so nonchalant when you let the spirit guide and I end up enjoying the testimony I just shared more than the thoughts that were in my head. I don't like taking up too much time at the pulpit because I want others to have the opportunity to share their testimony as well.

It's always a great feeling to know that I stood up after sitting down. I remember the first time I stood up to bear it 22 years ago in my small ward in Texas I was nervous as heck, but I did it. I've  come to realize that the more I share it whether it's at church, or in a public setting that it becomes easier. I don't do well with silence, or gaps in between testimonies, and there is no way I can just sit there in silence and miss an opportunity to open my mouth. I love it, and without being an overzealous member that goes up every fast sunday I don't always want to stand up, but sometimes that spirit nudges me. That's when I know I need to get up & bear a simple testimony of how much I appreciate the Lord, and for a prophet in restoring His gospel. 

I know this church is true, and that the Book of Mormon is true.  If these two things weren't true to my heart, and didn't believe so strongly in them I would have given up a long time ago on life, and wouldn't continue to stick to it for this long. No matter how hard the trial, no matter how rough the drama with people, and family in general...my belief in those books are firm, and I pray that it always will be.