Nostalgia on Garfield Avenue.

Looking back on the day we moved out of our home in Blackwood on Garfield avenue I couldn't help but to look back, and walk within the walls of what was once our home for eight years, and to see all the scribbles, dents, and writing on the walls that my two youngest children did at that time are fond memories. Fond memories that i will carry with me forever through pictures. I look back at all the times I'd walk into the kitchen or up the stairs only to see endless scribbles, and will laugh because of how upset I got when Chelsea first put pen, marker, and color to the walls. I was so disappointed in her. I really thought I would be one of those moms whose kids would never resort to that! Sierra, and Lexie never, never wrote on the walls so naturally I thought I had perfect kids when it came to giving them markers at the age of three. Not! Chelsea and Noah were a different story, but oh how grateful I am for those experiences because they sure taught me a lot of patience. The look on Chelsea's face when she got caught in the act was priceless. I just couldn't yell at this sweet three year old little girl. After Chelsea's experience of writing on the walls, I most definitely became less of a mean mom when Noah entered the clan, and saw no need to yell at him when he began coloring on the walls at the tender age of two! No matter how many times I'd tell the girls to put away their art kits, colors, and box of markers he'd always find a way to be sneaky and find them. That's when it dawned on me to me to tape plain white wrapping paper on the huge bare, kitchen wall so they could create a picture with every type of marker, pen, and crayon known to man! When we left I couldn't bare to paint over some of the walls. Especially the one where there was a stick figure with a smiling face! But hey, someone else has to live there, and that's when  I realized that walls can be washed, and repainted. Dents, and holes can be patched up, but those memories of hand drawn art created by two artistic children with a permanent marker can be etched in my mind forever. 

Oh...bittersweet memories for sure. 

Since we only live an hour away I'll drive back through the old neighborhood to visit a few of my neighbors, and friends. I swear that area brings back major memories, and sometimes its hard to let go. We've only been gone for three months, but when I've gone back I feel as if I should be pulling into the driveway only to go back "home." It's surreal sometimes that we don't live there anymore, but the fact that Chelsea was two when we moved here, and Noah being born in Jersey makes me feel that this is our permanent home. Texas, and Utah are the longest places we've lived in, but Jersey has been the state where all of my children learned to grow up, face challenges, conquer some of them, and learn from them, and to spiritually grow. 

Here is a picture of the girls when they were nine, 14, and four! I can't believe how quickly time flies, and now they are 21, 16, and 11! 

Garfield avenue is the place where I was given my first mum from a sister in my church. I never knew there was such a beautiful plant! It was the place where I hosted my first book club, my first baby shower, and thanksgiving dinner with like ten people! It was the place where there were lots of family dinners, entertainment with friends, and pool parties in our little back yard. The place where we had many a BBQ dinners, and where Lexie first learned to mow the lawn. It is the place where for eight years my children walked to the same bus stop, library, Wawa, and bike trail. The place where the kids first discovered fireflies, and had our own sidewalk to chalk on. It is the place where the girls developed their cooking, and baking skills. The place where Sierra had her first date pick her up, and all her prom, and homecoming pictures taken on that infamous little porch of ours. 

This is the place where Noah learned to roll over, take his first steps, lose his first tooth, and play his first keys on the piano. Let's not forget the time I did that photo shoot of Noah's Dreamland! Oh my gosh! Remember those pictures? Such fun, and sweet memories! 

Looking back I thank my Heavenly Father for leading us to this cape cod house on Garfield. The home we created here, although far from perfect, was where we needed to be at that time. Even on the days where I yelled, cursed, and got upset somehow were washed away with the choices I made into being a better mom. Having Noah totally helped me in that department, and living in Blackwood with all that we went through as a family, and attending church helped us in profound ways. The Lord definitely is in charge, and because of Him I was able to endure, and withstand every bitter, and enjoy every blissful moment I had in those eight years of living in south Jersey. 

And I will always look back on them with the fondest of memories.

Always. 

Have Faith.

Jeffrey R. Holland said, "Above all, never lose faith in your Father in Heaven who loves you more than you can comprehend  Never, ever doubt that, and never harden your heart" is a reminder to help guide us when we're confronted with any emotional trial whether big or small. Especially one that is so fragile, and unexpected in which we've never faced before. It can ease us through the grievances, and heartache it will bring. With that said quote we not let the adversary win, and harden our hearts, but to have faith that no matter what happens in the end it'll be God's will, and plan.

As parents you never know what you're going to expect when it comes to your child. We create them, and nurture them the best we can in raising them with true principles, but in the end they will find their own way. And as parents we want them to find the "correct" way, but that's not always going to be the case. Sometimes they're going to hit a  few bumps on the road, and find ways to heal from their mistakes. Some ways may be by default with negativity, and some ways may be followed by making good choices with positive actions.  There will be moments when all you want to do is coddle them to help them find their way back to goodness, but all you can do is allow them to find their own way in hopes that it is a positive one, pray your heart out, and have faith that everything will work out in the end. By reminding them constantly of who they are in this world, what their purpose is in this life, and what they were taught throughout their youth in the church as well as in the home where they once felt safe, but most of all letting them know that they are never alone. 

Raising children requires a lot of work from the moment they come out of our womb. And in between the laughter, and good times bringing a child in this world is hard from the beginning, in the middle, and also when the time comes for them to leave the nest. Some of us end up having high expectations because let's face it...we all want our children to do better with their life both spiritually and temporally. Unfortunately, we have the adversary who is roaming around with his claws wide open working overtime waiting to bring down every good soul out there who has so much to give in this life. Tricks them by making something that's bad, look really good. Tests them to the point where he will find ways to target them because of their valiance, worthiness, and make them feel the exact opposite...a failure, unworthy, useless, damaged, used up, and no good. I know this because I have been there, and I see it happening to the youth. The best part of being a parent in spite of all the hardships one faces while parenting, is the unconditional love we have for our children, and the love that comes from within. And in between the yelling, lecturing, and disappointment...is love. Love and compassion. Many of us may not have that, hence hardening our hearts to the point to oblivion where we are feeling like miserable souls ourselves. Sad, and crying like we've never before because we put our trust in God, and everything we believe in hopes that they'll never forget what morals, and values they were taught as children, goals they had set up in hopes that they will achieve them, as well as people we trusted to guard, and protect our children.  

One thing we can rely on, and hope to never forget is knowing that the love we have comes form the Divine to help ease our soul, and mind for any bad situation one may be in whether it's suffering from depression, drugs, alcohol, or breaking the law of chastity. Building, and having faith in knowing that can bring us more hope, less stress, and help our faith grow even stronger.  

**You can read the rest of Jeffery R. Holland's talk "Like a Broken Vessel" here.

learning to let go & govern themselves.

The hardest part of having children is not having them, or raising them, but letting them go off on their own. To learn, to discover, to experiment, and to govern themselves. Govern themselves. "We as parents have to teach our children to govern themselves" is a saying that I kept hearing when Sierra first started the young women program. In all honesty the first time I heard it, and I mean really heard it I felt a little uneducated as to what it really meant. And I wanted to learn.

See...I didn't understand any of it. None. Zilch. Nada. Govern themselves??? What do you mean? What is that? I wasn't a member of the church at birth, eight, twelve, 15, or 18. So...can you please explain it to me? And eventually they did. I learned and grew with the values and standards this wonderful church has taught our kids, and it has made me a better mother as to how I am raising these girls. 

One thing for sure is that I didn't nor will I ever understand the pressures that come with being raised in the church, or being the only Mormon in high school. Having us parents telling you, teaching you that drinking and smoking is bad. That you can't wear sleeveless clothing, two piece bathing suits, or short, short hootchie shorts that practically show paris, london, and france. That you shouldn't go shopping or go to the theatre on Sundays. That dating begins at the age of 16, and only go on double dates. No. I will never know the feeling of being a raised a mormon as a youth, but I do know the challenges that I had to overcome. The changes that I needed to do in order to become a much more happier person. I was 20 when I joined. Oh yeah...my rebellion, sexual promiscuity, & partying stage was all in my past. I didn't want any of that. Anymore. 

Swearing...we hear it all the time. In school, in books that are assigned to our children to read during high school, and unfortunately...on the home front. You heard it here first folks. Swearing...that is a weakness even for me. Shocked? Yes...I swear. I'm a mormon, and I tend to slip up every now and then. Remember I'm not perfect. No one is. But I recognize that slip up, try my very best to bite my tongue especially in front of the little ones. I've gotten a lot better at it, and it comes in full swing when I'm very stressed or that time of the month. I apologize, and I say to the girls, "it sounds ugly doesn't it?" Especially when that PG-13 movie that we were watching had the word F*!# in it. It sounds horrible. Funny...maybe, but it still has no meaning as to why they say it. Now I can see why we shouldn't watch R rated movies. As awesome and intense (Air Force One, the Terminator), historical (last of the Mohican's, Glory, and The Patriot with Mel Gibson), and dramatic as they may be (Argo, Blood Diamond) I shouldn't watch them. Oh...but I love The Last of the Mohican's!! Oh well...no one is perfect. Still...movies that have a lot, and I mean a lot of swearing in a sense that they should have just titled it F*!# has no interest for me. I hate it, it sounds awful, and I end up feeling terrible afterwards kicking myself why I didn't have the strength to turn it off. Well, now I just avoid watching them altogether. 

Sierra was fortunate to have made good friends, non mormon friends in high school who knew her standards and have respected her when it came to swearing. They'd cover her ears, or mouth the words behind her back. In all honesty...Sierra  has never said a swear word ever (at least not around me.) The first time I heard Sierra say "hell" was when we were discussing the changes in her curriculum, and unforeseeable future at UARTS. She didn't mean to say it, but she is just ready to have this semester over so she can transfer, and start new somewhere else. She said, "Mom, I just want to get the hell out of here." I was shocked, and said to her that even though its in the bible that we shouldn't say it too much! In my eyes it's okay to say it, but then again maybe I'm justifying that in a sense to say or write when appropriate.  I told her to just try not to say it too much, and she knew. She even felt weird afterwards saying it. Here I am a mother who slips a swear word every now and then telling her not to. Yes...I feel like a total hypocrite which makes me want to do better. So much better! It's so sad how circumstances can cause our minds, and hearts to be saddened, and we feel that swearing will make it all better. It doesn't. So...clean language is a value that is important to me, and seriously something that I have to work on.   

Early morning Seminary...don't even get me started on that. I have absolutely no idea how it feels to wake up at 4:30 every morning five days a week excluding holidays for four years to learn about all the important books that keep a person sane, fulfilled, happy, knowledgeable, and spiritual. I know that it helped Sierra endure her four years of high school, and helped her handle any trial, catty drama, and just "life". I know that Seminary is a great tool for the youth, and I am grateful that she got a taste of that. 

Girls camp for four years, EFY, youth activities, personal progress, and so many wonderful church youth programs that are out there to make a kid strong, but that's not always the case. Again...I didn't have any of this growing up, and when our kids go off to these exciting, and testimony building adventures it can help them spiritually, or not. Some go through the motions. Some forget. Some rebel. Some start talking back. Some end up not caring. Anymore. Some give up. I have seen it...not with my kids, but other peoples kids, and it's scary.

So after witnessing teenagers, returned missionaries, and young adults go through these stages of life of inactivity in Sierra's earlier years has helped me for that moment to have her learn to govern herself. Because I wanted her to learn on her own. To know what cause and effect mean. I have seen the despair a parent has when their child has gone wayward, and it's heartbreaking. I still see it.

And then...they turn 18, graduate, apply for college, and leave the house. Live in the dorms. In the city. Philadelphia. Yes, it can be scary. It can be dangerous. Certain people were concerned for her, and I understand why. Luckily...she has survived. She has learned. She has persevered every experience, every trauma she has witnessed (a suicide, gang violence, even putting herself in a situation which could have been worse) Those are her stories that hopefully someday will share with you. But for now...she strives to be the most bubbliest, happiest, carefree, always smiling, loving, funny kind of girl. 

She is my daughter. My firstborn, my solace, and sometimes...my close to perfect example. I love her, and like my mother has told me that she had to learn to let go of me, the last one to have departed the nest...I also have to learn to let her go. Luckily she isn't the last one left in my nest.

And I will. I have to. I have to learn to accept, and support the choices in her life as well as the rest of our children. Her wants. Her needs. This is her time to learn. To discover, and enjoy a different type of freedom. I pray that her thought process, and level of spirituality will not go askew. I pray that she will continue to live up to her standards, to never forget who she is, and to remember everything that has been taught in her life both temporally and spiritually, and that she will take it with her no matter where she goes in this life.

**This talk really helped me when I understood what it meant for our children to learn to govern themselves. It is awesome, and really helped. Really! 

look for the lovely no matter what.

As I was on my to pick up Sierra from her dorm last night so many thoughts began forming in my head. I was recollecting our conversations we've been having since she first left for college. Wondering if she truly is happy with her surroundings. I see it in her face that she longs to be around  good people, and "real friends". She longs to be surrounded by pure things that bring in a good spirit. I have put my girls on a pedestal, and I have realized that I shouldn't do that because no one is perfect...no one. I love how our girls are so kind, loving, and accepting to everyone they meet, but they are also human, and will eventually make mistakes, and learn from them on their own. I want them to know that i will be here for them no matter what. I want them to know that I won't judge them, and that those "mean" words that sometimes come out of my mouth are those of a mother who at one point in her life...made mistakes too. I want them to know that they will always have a home to escape to when life takes a toll on them. I want them to know that even if they go to a college that is 3000 miles away that I still need them in my life. I also want them to know that words said in frustration are never meant to be said. 

We are so fortunate to have Sierra home with us at this moment, and I'm glad that she is close by to spend Noah's fourth birthday, Thanksgiving, and the Christmas holiday with us. I'm extremely grateful that we didn't move like we had planned, and that she is attending school nearby in Philly. She continues to learn from so many experiences as she attends there...both the good, bad, and the ugly.

One great thing about going to a college anywhere in the world is the fact that there is a Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints nearby. Whether it's a 10, 20, or 30 minute drive there will be one. Sierra is lucky to have one 10 minutes away that comes with a loving bishop, awesome visiting teachers & home teachers who check up on her periodically. She is a special girl who needs that strength in her life because living in the city...especially one like Philly where UARTS is known to be a "party school" can be stressful, and hard. I have told her many times to be strong, and to do the things that are right by God. 

We live in a world where it's sometimes hard to "look for the lovely" (wise words from my friend Casey) especially when bad things happen to someone we know and love. We are a fortunate people to have this wonderful gospel which truly brings us joy, and gives us the strength we need to not give in to anything that is unclean, or immoral. Something that I didn't have while growing up.  I believe that with continued consistency in attending all our meetings at church, reading the scriptures, and praying to The Lord that we will be protected, and guided by the spirit. 

Sometimes for some of us that's not always the case, and bad things happen to good people. I have taught my kids that the world is not perfect, and living in it doesn't mean that we need to be living the way the billboards, media, & magazines want us to live. Oh no...we don't need to live that way. Let's not forget those unclean popups that come up while we're searching for an article on the internet. Temptation, and peer pressure is worsening as our children get older, and if we're not careful it is easy to succumb to it these days. It is everywhere, and it will even target the stalwarth ones. 

I know this for a fact because it happened to me in my past after converting to the church. I realized that when I stopped doing the things that I know kept me on the straight and narrow (such as scripture study, praying, etc.) that the spirit was not as strong, and it's real easy to lose your focus. It is then that I realized that I would never be perfected in this life, but knowing that I had a chance to right the wrongs I did after my conversion gave me hope. Hope and faith to never falter again.

As parents it's important to develop a strong bond in relationships with your children & to keep those lines of communication open 24/7. We want our kids to treat the gospel differently & better than we did while we were newlywed. I want them to know that we will always be here to listen to them just as Heavely Father is there to listen to them as well.  

Oh...how this world can truly be a beautiful place where one can live, and prosper in. We just need to look for the lovely no matter how unlovely it can get. 

look for the lovely.