A Battle That I Will Win.

I was looking through our photo booth on our mac and found this picture on Sierra's iPhoto. I had to post it because it helps me remember the times when these two get along, and have fun without any altercations. It's hard to believe that this photo was taken sometime early last spring. This photo will be documented as a "lock it in moment" for me. Anytime they do something naughty in the future I can look back at this photo, and have a mommy mantra that'll get me through my "mean mom" phase. It helps me see two happy kids having fun taking pictures on our computer while I thought they were on PBS kids.org.  

Come to think of it...there's a reason why I'm always taking pictures. It's like therapy for me. 

But just remember that no one is perfect. That there is no mother that has it together, and that our life isn't always rainbows, and butterflies. That only God judges, and knows what truly goes on in our hearts, and in our mind...especially mine. 

That everyone has a battle they are fighting to win. 

Yesterday at church in our Relief Society class a lesson was taught on how we can overcome our weaknesses, and strive to do better with our life. Especially on the things that are keeping us from staying on the right path and fighting hard to not fall off of it. Although there are times when we'll have many a slip ups we can always repent and find our way back to eternal progression and try our hardest to never look back. This particular lesson was very emotional for me, and I feel like the Relief Society President and I are like kindred spirits because sometimes I feel we are on the same wavelength when it comes to discussing certain topics. We had a good discussion on looking back and remembering our baptism. Questions were asked about how we felt the day we changed our lives, and cleansed ourself from all the naughty things we had done in the past. Still...just because we got baptized doesn't mean that life is going to be perfect. Just because we got married or sealed in the LDS temple doesn't mean our marriages are going to be struggle free. Just because we have children doesn't mean they are going to make our life any easier, and just because we go to church every Sunday doesn't make us a perfect family. 

This is the part when I have to fight extra hard, and remember all those "lock it in moments" including the day our children were born, the day of my baptism, and being sealed to my family so that we can be strengthened on continuing that path towards the greater good so that we can reign with our loved ones including the Savior forever and forever. 

Although my kids say I'm the greatest mom there is that dark cloud that sometimes hovers over my head telling me different, and this is the battle that I feel keeps me from being that great mom. 

As a middle aged mother with a toddler life can somewhat take a toll on me especially when I'm keeping up with three older daughters, and even though my oldest is out on her own doesn't mean I don't worry, or keep tabs on her. It seems that the older I get I will always be their mother advising, calling, nagging (in a good way), and I'm hoping that once Sierra has met her eternal companion that will all change. I think I've gotten better at giving her time and space so that she can govern herself now that she's 19, but in the end I'll always be there for her (even when she's married!)

It's amazing to see how resilient my kids are after having raised my voice at them for misbehaving. Telling myself over and over again that I don't want to be the kind of mom that constantly yells or nags on them for the silliest things. I gave up a long time ago with Noah's toys being scattered all over the living room floor. Luckily he has learned to "clean up" on his own, and I give thanks to the cartoon "Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood" for that one. There is more to life than cleaning up legos, cars, trains, and every piece of matter that Noah brings in the house from outside. They are still happy even after reprimanding them and it makes me feel guilty because I grew up in a house where there was a lot of yelling, cursing, hurting, and screaming. I remember how quickly I'd get over the hurt my mother caused when she'd yell, and smack my sister and I with the belt. I remember how much it hurt and there is no way in hell that I'm ever going to go down that route with my kids. There's a reason why I don't own many belts come to think of it. Scars take time to heal, and the worst kind of abuse is the verbal kind. I know I'm not following down that path, but the physical kind is what I endured the most. 

There are times when one of the kids will do something that'll spark a repressed memory, and I have to fight the "old Rose" from coming out. Or times when my daughters are going through some petty drama with friends, and it reminds me of the times I had to deal with dumb girls like that in my teenage years. I remember my mother getting upset wanting to contend with those girls including their mothers, but the difference is that she didn't have a firm foundation of the Lord, or gospel to help her overcome those trials, or moments of extreme motherly overprotectiveness. 

I do. 

And I fight hard like hell not to make that happen. 

When those moments pass I thank the Lord for sparing any kind of desire that would cause me to take my anger out on my children, or contend with anyone. I have to admit that when Sierra was a toddler I began to hit her. I realized I needed some serious counseling when I left a red mark on her sweet face, and even though I received counseling I feel as if there are times when I can still use it. That's the dark cloud that often tries me from time to time. I have also cried my eyes out to the point where I've gotten a headache because I feel so guilty for being like my mother sometimes. I know that it's my turn to break that chain, and I'm fighting hard like hell to make it happen. I'm grateful for the faith that I have with God knowing that I can continue to heal from any trauma that I've witnessed, and suffered from my past. I want Noah to know that I'm not really mad when he got his brand new Toms muddy, and wet. Or when Lexie busted her G string on her violin from tightening it too hard last Christmas. I want Chelsea to know that the "mean" looks I give her are not hateful, but stern because I want her to learn right from wrong. I want Sierra to know that words said in anger are never meant, and that I would never backhand her sisters, or her brother like I did when she was little. I don't want to ever hurt my children in any way. I know how it feels to be beaten, hurt, and abused both physically, & emotionally. I don't want my kids to experience any of that. I want them to know that the battle I'm fighting is one that I will win, and that sometimes I have to be tested. But in the end I will fight like hell to pass it. (sorry for using the word hell to much.)

^^^ my jorgybirds, circa-Spring 2010 ^^^

I want them to know that I consider them my "jewels", and like stones they are priceless, precious, and very rare. That they are all of a different cut. That I love them all uniquely, but equally. 

Looking at these photos reassures me that I have amazing children that continue to love me unconditionally and have helped me keep it together no matter what. The older they get, the smarter they get, and the smarter they get the more they know how to handle a mom like me. I'm also grateful for a husband who has the patience like Job to have faith in me that I can do this. That I can fight those demons that cause any repressed memory to come back to haunt me. That I have broken this chain in it's entirety and never have any of our children hurt their future posterity, and so forth, and so on. 

That I will completely be healed from every single kind of abuse that I endured, every repressed memory that comes back, and never pass it on. 

That I can continue on that path to eternal salvation, and live happily with my family, friends, and God forever and ever. 

I pray. I pray. 

the conclusion about pornography at 700.

When I became a part of the social network (FB, IG, twitter) I had no clue what I was getting into. None. I am so old school & part of a stubborn generation where I personally didn't care about putting anything about my personal life online. 

After moving from North Carolina in 2008 I had numerous friends encouraging me to get a Facebook. I preferred the old school tradition...you know the snail mail phone calling (no technology) I liked it simple & easy. Nonetheless I finally gave into the peer pressure & went to town opening a twitter & Facebook account from my iPhone (didn't own a computer yet.) Pinterest & IG came shortly after purchasing our new computer. 

Then...

I joined the blogging community. Again having no idea what I was thinking or getting into I created an account, thought of our title that best suited our family & began to write. 

Blogging sounded like a lot fun & since I love to write & scrapbook I figured this would be an easier version to document my life so that others can receive that instant gratification with a click of a button. 

Little did I know I was going to get down to the nitty gritty & over share my life. Really...it wasn't planned. All I wanted to do was scrapbook & write about my family adventures online to make it easier on myself & for my children to remember their adventures. As I look back at my old posts I'm amazed at how far I've gotten in being honest & true about my life! 

And I'm glad that I am. 

Sooner or later my kids are going to know everything about me (and their dad) & so far my two oldest daughters know everything about my life thus far...not by reading it online, but by personally sitting down with them from time to time having one on one talks and discussions with them about why this happened, and how I did this when I was a youth. I know now that it's super important to be open, and honest with your kids about the "grown up" things so that way they will have an understanding of what not to do, or how to handle it if ever they find themselves in the same situation. 

Some parents may disagree, and keep their kids sheltered from "the world" or anything that they did in their past, and I'm telling you that in my opinion that is a mistake. My mother didn't share anything to me about anything until I was married, and had my firstborn. Unfortunately my grandmother didn't teach her about "boys" or "womanhood", and I honestly believe that everything my mom endured in her younger years was a result of what happened to me. I had no one around to help me through anything growing up, and because I was this shy kid I didn't have the heart to say anything to any grown up about what was going on behind the doors in my home. 

I learned what "not to do" from my mother, broke that chain of silence of sheltering my kids, and have been open with my firstborn since she was about 10 years old. I never trusted men, and so I told her at a very young age what happened to me, and to please tell me if she finds herself in a situation to let me and her dad know...and that we won't be mad. Most of all...we will BELIEVE her. So...talk to your kids about the happenings in the world, and why things happen. In other words...be a teacher to your children. 

And I am doing the same with my other kids. 

I look forward to teaching my son about porn and how addicting and wrong it is. Nowadays it seems like they are getting a hold of it at a very young age. Hopefully by then cable companies will require internet providers to pay for porn instead of it being easily accessed for free. 

This past Wednesday I posted a very sensitive & personal post that caught so many viewers attention. Now...I normally don't get excited about looking at the stats as to how many views I get on a post, but this one has got to be the most popular post that has ever been read & commented on. 

And I was extremely overwhelmed. 

I give thanks to everyone who commented and/or liked my post Pornography at 700. I've been blogging for almost three years now & had that post on a draft for almost two. I've always wanted to share my story only because the issue of pornography has become so prevalent & a damaging epidemic. 

They say all wounds heal with time & I testify that it's true. It may take years for someone to heal, and some may never get over it. Everyone is different, and the timing for one to heal about any "hard" burden varies, but I know that it can happen. I had my heart in finding an ailment since I was 16, and sought for every possible light out there. I know that there was something out there waiting for me behind all the darkness that was drowning my inner being, but luckily I found that perfect light at the age of 20. 

And I am so grateful.  

Sure there are times when I'll get a flashback of my molestation, but I don't allow it to linger. I am able to talk about it and let me tell you...there are so many souls out  there who knew the pain I went through. It feels good to know that I can be open & honest about my past, and to give them words of wisdom. I'm no therapist, but can be a friend. Just because I talk about it doesn't mean I'm still living in it. 

I just want to thank you again & again to who ever reads this blog. It feels good to know that it is not being taken for granted. 

I hope that regardless of what I post whether it's a cheesy picture of my kids with a post that doesn't seem blog worthy, or a serious personal one like pornography that you'll continue to stay with me. 

My posts all mean something to me & it's all being written for my posterity in hopes that they will read this after I'm gone.

It's also being written for you...yes you. 

So thank you to those 500 plus viewers that read Pornography at 700. It looks like more readers are still viewing it. I only hope that what I write will inspire you & never upset you. I also write in hopes that one can overcome and heal from any hard trauma they've endured because IT IS possible! I learn a lot from what I write as well as what YOU have to say. 

So don't be shy, keep reading, & comment from time to time. 

Thanks you & keep visiting!!

XO