Pornography at 700.

^^ the little house i grew up in Texas, circa- 1997 ^^

A year after my conversion to the LDS church I left Texas in December of 1993 to start my life anew in a different state. I vowed to never look back at the life I lived, and endured in Texas. I never thought I would ever look back and step foot on the lawn of the house I once called home. But I did. I needed to. I had to. For myself. To know that the molestation I endured there for five years was real. That the darkness I had been sheltering inside my mind was real. That none of it was a dream. To know that I wasn't insane. For peace. For closure.

And the year before my stepfather passed away...I did. 

I had forgiven him at that time. I was older and wiser. I had a family, and I knew that with the condition he was in there was no way he could hurt me. 

Anymore.

And all was well. 

Still...I wondered what on earth could have caused him to do such a thing. Maybe it happened to him. I'll never know, but I know this. The poison that was the culprit of this abuse was the fact that there were pornographic magazines in my home. For years I thought it was a dream. I wanted it to be. But it was reality. A reality that so many of us face today. A reality that can cause serious negative consequences to both male and female. A reality that is damaging to mankind. A reality that will hurt a marriage, and break up a family. A reality that is the literal poison of todays society.

That reality is... 

PORNOGRAPHY. 

As a 10 year old child you have no clue as to why a magazine would have a half naked girl on the cover. Even as a 14 year old...I didn't get it. Well at 42...I know now. It is poison. For years these pornographic magazines laid comfortably on the shelf above my head every time i went in to use the bathroom...where it was visible to everyone. 

Pornography was the damage to my household, my self image, and my well being. It destroyed my relationship with my mom which drove me away from her. It made me promiscuous as a teen, naive with boys, caused me to shoplift, drink, and lie. And at one point...I even attempted to take my own life. I count my blessings for my mother to have come home at the right time to rush me into the ER to get stitches on my wrist. It was painful. I cried. Even though I had friends there was no one I could tell, or wanted to know. It was then that I knew that if I continued to live this way in this small town with no one to bear my soul to...who knows what could have happened to me, or where I'd end up. I needed help & those were the ways I was crying out for it.

Pornography may be a normal, and fun "hobby" for some of us, and some may even say, "there's nothing wrong with it, it's harmless, and everybody looks at it." 

Well sorry, but I don't look at it. And never will. I'm a witness to how it affects a persons actions, & it is vicious.

The fact that it was in my home like it was no big deal was the biggest mistake my mom did as to allow my stepfather to have it linger in our home, let alone look at it. I know in the end we all suffered the consequences in some shape or form, and my stepfather suffered so much health wise until the day of his passing in 1998.

Forgiveness was rendered to my mother & our relationship was mended. 

I'm grateful for the things I learned throughout the years while healing from years of molestation. For the gospel that changed my life, and for the beginning of a new life that was saved, and changed for good.

That life was mine.

This experience has helped me teach my children that pornography is a problematic, poisonous, and addictive form of entertainment. It is not clean, or pure, and it can ruin you.

If you are someone who constantly looks at porn having unclean thoughts all the time then there is a problem. It is habit forming so please find a way to realize that these are serious issues & please get the help that you need. 

Every so often talks and lessons are given in our church from apostles, and the first presidency as well as members of our own congregation about the usage of pornographic material, and how damaging it can be. I'm glad that we have a church presidency who is fearless in discussing this worldwide issue, and to acknowledge that it is not good, and that it is a problem. It is easily accessed online & it is everywhere. 

I always wondered why I was so angry all the time even after joining the church. But knowing that I have a Father in Heaven helped me overcome all the bitterness, and anger that was harboring deep in my soul for so many years.  

The look on my face that you see in the picture above was a face of discontentment which harbored painful memories. 

The face I have now is that of forgiveness, love, strength, and courage. And I know that I have healed. No matter what other trials I may have, (and believe me I have them periodically) I know that with hope, and faith they too shall pass. Because they usually do. 

And I know that I will make it.

And I did. 

I have no regrets with everything that I've endured in my past. None. It has molded me into the person I am today. A person of imperfection, but ever loving. A mother who is overall a happy person with a wonderful husband, and pretty awesome kids. Sometimes I can't believe my life.

And I will forever be grateful to God for surviving it, and for the support I've gained from my family then, now and forever. 

"No matter how dark the moment love and hope are always possible."

~George Chakiris

**This talk on pornography given by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland is one of the lessons I taught in Relief Society two years ago, and it is a good one!  

learning to let go & govern themselves.

The hardest part of having children is not having them, or raising them, but letting them go off on their own. To learn, to discover, to experiment, and to govern themselves. Govern themselves. "We as parents have to teach our children to govern themselves" is a saying that I kept hearing when Sierra first started the young women program. In all honesty the first time I heard it, and I mean really heard it I felt a little uneducated as to what it really meant. And I wanted to learn.

See...I didn't understand any of it. None. Zilch. Nada. Govern themselves??? What do you mean? What is that? I wasn't a member of the church at birth, eight, twelve, 15, or 18. So...can you please explain it to me? And eventually they did. I learned and grew with the values and standards this wonderful church has taught our kids, and it has made me a better mother as to how I am raising these girls. 

One thing for sure is that I didn't nor will I ever understand the pressures that come with being raised in the church, or being the only Mormon in high school. Having us parents telling you, teaching you that drinking and smoking is bad. That you can't wear sleeveless clothing, two piece bathing suits, or short, short hootchie shorts that practically show paris, london, and france. That you shouldn't go shopping or go to the theatre on Sundays. That dating begins at the age of 16, and only go on double dates. No. I will never know the feeling of being a raised a mormon as a youth, but I do know the challenges that I had to overcome. The changes that I needed to do in order to become a much more happier person. I was 20 when I joined. Oh yeah...my rebellion, sexual promiscuity, & partying stage was all in my past. I didn't want any of that. Anymore. 

Swearing...we hear it all the time. In school, in books that are assigned to our children to read during high school, and unfortunately...on the home front. You heard it here first folks. Swearing...that is a weakness even for me. Shocked? Yes...I swear. I'm a mormon, and I tend to slip up every now and then. Remember I'm not perfect. No one is. But I recognize that slip up, try my very best to bite my tongue especially in front of the little ones. I've gotten a lot better at it, and it comes in full swing when I'm very stressed or that time of the month. I apologize, and I say to the girls, "it sounds ugly doesn't it?" Especially when that PG-13 movie that we were watching had the word F*!# in it. It sounds horrible. Funny...maybe, but it still has no meaning as to why they say it. Now I can see why we shouldn't watch R rated movies. As awesome and intense (Air Force One, the Terminator), historical (last of the Mohican's, Glory, and The Patriot with Mel Gibson), and dramatic as they may be (Argo, Blood Diamond) I shouldn't watch them. Oh...but I love The Last of the Mohican's!! Oh well...no one is perfect. Still...movies that have a lot, and I mean a lot of swearing in a sense that they should have just titled it F*!# has no interest for me. I hate it, it sounds awful, and I end up feeling terrible afterwards kicking myself why I didn't have the strength to turn it off. Well, now I just avoid watching them altogether. 

Sierra was fortunate to have made good friends, non mormon friends in high school who knew her standards and have respected her when it came to swearing. They'd cover her ears, or mouth the words behind her back. In all honesty...Sierra  has never said a swear word ever (at least not around me.) The first time I heard Sierra say "hell" was when we were discussing the changes in her curriculum, and unforeseeable future at UARTS. She didn't mean to say it, but she is just ready to have this semester over so she can transfer, and start new somewhere else. She said, "Mom, I just want to get the hell out of here." I was shocked, and said to her that even though its in the bible that we shouldn't say it too much! In my eyes it's okay to say it, but then again maybe I'm justifying that in a sense to say or write when appropriate.  I told her to just try not to say it too much, and she knew. She even felt weird afterwards saying it. Here I am a mother who slips a swear word every now and then telling her not to. Yes...I feel like a total hypocrite which makes me want to do better. So much better! It's so sad how circumstances can cause our minds, and hearts to be saddened, and we feel that swearing will make it all better. It doesn't. So...clean language is a value that is important to me, and seriously something that I have to work on.   

Early morning Seminary...don't even get me started on that. I have absolutely no idea how it feels to wake up at 4:30 every morning five days a week excluding holidays for four years to learn about all the important books that keep a person sane, fulfilled, happy, knowledgeable, and spiritual. I know that it helped Sierra endure her four years of high school, and helped her handle any trial, catty drama, and just "life". I know that Seminary is a great tool for the youth, and I am grateful that she got a taste of that. 

Girls camp for four years, EFY, youth activities, personal progress, and so many wonderful church youth programs that are out there to make a kid strong, but that's not always the case. Again...I didn't have any of this growing up, and when our kids go off to these exciting, and testimony building adventures it can help them spiritually, or not. Some go through the motions. Some forget. Some rebel. Some start talking back. Some end up not caring. Anymore. Some give up. I have seen it...not with my kids, but other peoples kids, and it's scary.

So after witnessing teenagers, returned missionaries, and young adults go through these stages of life of inactivity in Sierra's earlier years has helped me for that moment to have her learn to govern herself. Because I wanted her to learn on her own. To know what cause and effect mean. I have seen the despair a parent has when their child has gone wayward, and it's heartbreaking. I still see it.

And then...they turn 18, graduate, apply for college, and leave the house. Live in the dorms. In the city. Philadelphia. Yes, it can be scary. It can be dangerous. Certain people were concerned for her, and I understand why. Luckily...she has survived. She has learned. She has persevered every experience, every trauma she has witnessed (a suicide, gang violence, even putting herself in a situation which could have been worse) Those are her stories that hopefully someday will share with you. But for now...she strives to be the most bubbliest, happiest, carefree, always smiling, loving, funny kind of girl. 

She is my daughter. My firstborn, my solace, and sometimes...my close to perfect example. I love her, and like my mother has told me that she had to learn to let go of me, the last one to have departed the nest...I also have to learn to let her go. Luckily she isn't the last one left in my nest.

And I will. I have to. I have to learn to accept, and support the choices in her life as well as the rest of our children. Her wants. Her needs. This is her time to learn. To discover, and enjoy a different type of freedom. I pray that her thought process, and level of spirituality will not go askew. I pray that she will continue to live up to her standards, to never forget who she is, and to remember everything that has been taught in her life both temporally and spiritually, and that she will take it with her no matter where she goes in this life.

**This talk really helped me when I understood what it meant for our children to learn to govern themselves. It is awesome, and really helped. Really! 

1720

Sierra & Lexie on a snowy day in Salt Lake City-2004

1720 was the place where we used to live in Salt Lake City where we all learned the true meaning of 'growing as a family in the gospel'. I only had these two girls at the time, and they always seemed to pick me up at my darkest moments, and make life living in Utah easier for me. It was the place where I learned to fall, and pick myself back up again. It was a place where I actually understood what it meant to be 'tested', and how to overcome it, but most of all learn from it. 

Challenges

I asked Jon the other day(since he was born and raised in Salt Lake City), why so many youth in the church in Utah rebel, and don't truly follow the standards and teachings of the LDS church. The reason I asked him this specific question is because he was one of the majority in Utah who experienced rebellion, and at one point in his life... didn't attend church too much as a teenager. He said that he wasn't given enough challenges, and because everyone was practically a Mormon it seemed that it was just part of being who you are.

He also said he had a choice.

Don't get me wrong, I know there are good LDS families in Utah who have raised great children, but I have witnessed some of the youth between the ages of 14 -18 (even those in their early 20's) who have the most wonderful parents, not follow the teachings of the church, and it saddens me. Having lived in many different states, I see it everywhere. It's not just out west. As much as I love the mountains, miss my husband's family, friends, and being so close to the temples....I am grateful to be raising my kids outside of mormon territory because they seem to become stronger when they are faced with challenges. They also appreciate the gospel more.

I have seen the youth in various states we've lived in go through more challenges. Some are strong in facing them, and some are not. The majority of the youth are strong. Fortunately for us, moving from state to state in the past 17 years has been a blessing. We have all faced challenges, and yet overcome them with faith and fervent prayer. Our kids face challenges every day. Especially when school resumes. It's not easy when you attend a high school where there are 1300 plus students, and only five kids are LDS. I believe the youth that live outside of mormon populated states have to work twice as hard to live righteously. We have seen our oldest daughter go through trials and when we talk about them, and I mean really get into a discussion about the situation, she becomes more strong and confident. As parents, we strive so hard to keep our children on the right path without becoming weary, and to keep that open communication active.

I know all about agency and how children have to govern themselves and learn on their own. But don't you think that as a parent, we should be there for our kids and constantly be a reminder to them that although they have a choice...they have a chance to make the right one from the start?

I've made a lot of poor choices in my life as a teen without growing up in the LDS religion, but by the grace of God he saved me from becoming a mental case. I was an inactive catholic who at the age of 16 began searching for a higher divinity. It's ironic how I was searching for that light of happiness at that age, and my daughter who is 16 already has it, believes it, and recognizes the light of Christ. I believe that I am who I am today because of what I have been through in my life. I've faced many, many challenges, and grew from them. I still face challenges today at my age, and although it can be so easy to just give up, to hate, not forgive, be depressed, and feel sorry for myself...I make the choice to be strong and fill my life with pure bliss.

It's been a little over a month since Sierra returned from EFY and she continues to be the best example to us all. I have heard the old cliche, "the youth come back from girls camp, youth conference, pioneer trek, EFY or any other church affiliated activity and their spiritual high only lasts for a short time." Not true. At least not my kid. I don't mean to boast but she truly has a talent for being obedient and at her age that can be rough. She is the key to having her siblings follow in her footsteps, we are the key for our children to follow our example, and Christ is the key for all of us to follow His.

I give thanks to my Father in heaven who guides and helps my children to deal and overcome adversity. I see in them a strength, an enthusiasm, that I didn't see in myself as I was growing up. They all go forward with faith and no matter how hard things in life become...I always remind them that they are children of God, that He is always there to hear their prayers, and that we as parents are always here to listen to them.

"One of the greatest challenges for all of us is to learn how to live in the world without participating in all that it offers. Worldly standards will always be in a state of flux. The only true and unchanging standards are those set by the Savior and His teachings of the restored gospel."

~Donald L. Staheli, Ensign Feb. 2009