Going Back To The Tiny Yellow House In Kingsville.

Bittersweet memories ran through my mind as we drove into the tiny town of Kingsville. I wasn't going to visit the town I grew up in, but wanted to show my kids where I was raised, who I was, how I found myself, and the place where traumatic things happened that helped me find my way to a better life. 

As we drove by the little yellow house I once called home I was shocked at the outcome of it. It had been 20 years since I'd been back and apparently some of our old neighbors bought the property and turned it into a storage shed. It looks like it's falling apart, and the yard my sister and I used to run around in was brown and dry. It was a sad sight to see, but at the same time glad that someone made it their own.

Not that I'm being judgmental on the house, but because of the memories that happened inside that tiny yellow house are fragile, it was hard to look at this place in such disarray. The yard looked smaller, and the shed in the back looked like a crumbled down dollhouse! Much smaller than I remember. All the homes down Richard St. looked tinier, and only a few look like they're in good standing. It was surreal to me because I never thought I would ever come back here, but I did. 

And I'm glad.

Glad because the memories that brought joy in my childhood came back and for one brief moment brought bittersweet tears. I have so many memories etched in my mind. Good ones that is until I was about 10. I focused on those for a minute as I was standing in front of a brown fence facing a white door that was never there while growing up, and "shed" that was once the front entrance to my house.

I tried to hold back the tears, but as I was telling my kids where my sister and I would put our little blue pool couldn't help but tell the story with a shaky voice. That little blue pool was truly one of my greatest memories of living in that house. I also don't remember this tree or the fact that it was huge and it obviously grew tall throughout the past 20 years, and it's soooooo green which makes it nice. 

As I got back into the car I gazed at the long look of my kids faces, especially the girls and asked what they thought about the town, and my upbringing here. Lexie's first reaction was that she was glad that I was able to get out, and find something that made me strong, and happy which was finding the light of God. That what happened to me in that house didn't get the best of me. That I married her dad, and made a better life for myself so that they can have a good life also.  Chelsea's thought was that she was happy I no longer had to take showers outside the little shed behind the "main" house. She couldn't imagine us taking showers outside in the winter. 

We continued to drive a block away where my grandparents lived on Alice St. which also is falling apart. No one seems to be living in it which is sad because I think it has a lot of potential, and that it can easily sell to someone who can create happier memories there, but I don't own it, and it's not my responsibility, so that other little house will remain in my memory in hopes that someone will create a life while living in it. 

Afterward we drove to Dick Kleberg park where I frequented as a kid. Noah and Lexie got down to explore and slide down and all Noah was saying was, "it's hot!" We brought Lexie here when she was four and vaguely remembers but she definitely remembered the lion slide.  Noah probably could have stayed here all afternoon but it was sooooooo hot, and he only lasted 15 minutes! 

One thing I am mostly happy about is to see that my old high school has been remodeled and it looks really beautiful! It seems like the town cares for education which is why the school looks a lot better so here's hoping that the kids in this town get a really good education. I also drove by one of my old elementary schools on Fordyce and it was really sad to see that Lamar no longer lives, and being in use. Again that entire school is falling apart. I really miss those old-school classes being outside separate from the indoor buildings. I understand that people pass away, and their next of kin may or may not move away which is why so many businesses close down, and homes are falling apart. For whatever reason our past generations move, places will close and buildings will crumble. But that's part of life. Moving forward for some is in their life plan, and the only thing we can hang on to is hope. Hope that small towns like Kingsville can grow, and become a nice play to work, live, and play. 

One thing I am most grateful for is the choice I made to leave this place. I had to leave Kingsville in order to get a better life. Some of us had reasons to stay, and most likely led happier lives while growing up which is why they're raising their families here. I am happy for those who have continued to stay in Kingsville long after they've graduated high school. I am happy that their memories of their upbringing were hopefully better than mine, and that they will continue to pass that joy on down to their posterity.

I am so glad I came back even if it was just for a few minutes and since all my family has moved away didn't really have a reason to linger too long. I would have loved to have said hello to a few old friends, but honestly didn't have a lot of time because we had to head home. I really wasn't planning on even driving the extra hour out of my way but that voice inside my head nudged at me telling me to go and show your kids the place where you were raised.

And I'm so glad I did.  

So glad.

***I also found healing from my abuse through my writing when I first started this blog. One of my first journal entries was writing about the abuse that I endured inside that tiny yellow house. If you haven't read it you can read it here.