Going Back To The Tiny Yellow House In Kingsville.

Bittersweet memories ran through my mind as we drove into the tiny town of Kingsville. I wasn't going to visit the town I grew up in, but wanted to show my kids where I was raised, who I was, how I found myself, and the place where traumatic things happened that helped me find my way to a better life. 

It Takes Time...But You Will Heal.

 ^^^ photo via google ^^^

One thing about me that I love is that I'm a television cop junkie. There are a few tv series that I watch, but one of my all time favorite cop shows has always been Criminal Minds.

Over the weekend I watched quite a few episodes & there was one episode that really caught my attention. Now I've seen so many reruns of this show, but this was one episode I'd never seen before. This particular episode is based upon the character Derek Morgan being molested by someone he trusted. He finally put the man who molested him in his younger years behind bars, and later found out that he wasn't the only one who was sexually abused. Apparently there were numerous others in which this man sexually abused and because of that those who were abused by him became drug addicts, thieves, and in this particular episode one man went crazy and got to the point where his anger and resentment got so built up inside that he developed a penchant for beating his victims to death. His rage also caused him to almost kill his ex-wife in front of their son. Simply because he wanted to protect his son from what happened to him. I know that this irrational behavior, and actions were caused by his long term childhood sexual abuse in which he never resolved with himself or his molester.

I know that this is just a prime time television show, and that all stories are fiction, but in hindsight they are nothing but the truth. 

Because it does happen in real life.

In many ways I find myself like the character Derek except without the badge, and gun. He is tough, fearless, and has a lot of compassion for the victims. Especially for those that have become mentally unstable or psychotic due to the experiences that happened to them in their past. He also has a lot of anger, and frustration towards those who are the culprit of these horrible actions. Luckily for Derek he has the law to take care of the bad guys on a television show, and I have my voice in the real world to help others. It's sad and I know there is no excuse for such irrational behavior, but when it comes to something like childhood sexual abuse, rape, or being sexually assaulted many don't comprehend or even realize that it takes time to heal, and that they need help. Some of us focus on continuing to feel like a chewed up piece of gum that has been thrown onto the ground, and stepped on over and over again drowning ourselves in misery with drugs, or alcohol because someone made us feel dirty, worthless, and violated at a young age. Some of us may not know how to heal, and deal with such abuse until we are older in age, and then it's too late. 

Some of us can end up becoming a danger to society. 

Our lives can be ruined by turning to prostitution, drug, alcohol use falling into severe depression, and unfortunately never recover. Some of us can also become the abuser ourselves. Sometimes keeping it a secret for too long, and being silent for many years can hurt us so much to the point where we can't live anymore, or take it out in various forms of anger towards society. Some may take longer than others to heal, but I am proof that in the end of all that has happened, said, and done that we can be healed. 

And you will. 

It takes time...but you can, and you will.  

Here's to a better Monday than the last one! 

Why I Wear "The Stitch."

Last spring I read about this incredible organization called Speak your Silence, and when I read about it including the founder of it I knew I had to somehow support, and be a part of it. The cause behind it really inspired me to open up even more about my childhood abuse, and to get involved. I have been inspired many times over with others opening up about their abuse as well as the founders story, and in starting up this organization. The fact that we are of different generations is mind boggling because it shows that time doesn't matter when it comes to abuse. It has been happening for generations. Abuse back in the 70's was something that didn't come out in the open, hence not having a clue as to how to deal with it. There was no social media back then where we can read articles to inspire us to come forward. We didn't have the resources then that we have now where we can call for help, and find ways to heal. I mean...who did we have the guts to talk to back then to tell what was happening to us? I know I didn't have anyone. I was too scared, and confused. 32 years ago I wasn't able to defend myself, or have the courage to say anything to anyone including my own mother (that came later.) Having this organization available today to bring awareness to those who have suffered from any kind of child abuse is a blessing, and I'm hoping that it will conquer the stigma of child abuse in hopes that others will find the will on their own to come forward, and to know they're not alone. Unfortunately it happens to so many of us, but in today's society it seems to be more common for children of our current generation to come forward and tell us that someone is sexually abusing them. I know that for me I have taught my kids that if something is being done to them in a way that makes them feel uncomfortable or  handles them in places that is inappropriate to never be afraid to tell anyone...especially me. The one thing I will say to them is never, ever think that I'll never believe them...because I will. 

In the past few months since learning about the stitch I have followed them on Instagram, and am amazed at how many people are opening up, and coming in for counseling. This is the reason why I purchased the kit, and why I support The Stitch because the cause is too real, and too important to be ignored. What I like about it is that the funds go to those who are in need of counseling, and I'll tell ya...if I can be of any help to them I'm there. I will always be on a mission to help find ways to conquer sexual abuse, and ways to find comfort in healing. Not all of us are lucky, and as I was reading a post on one of the grams about how someone committed suicide brought back memories. Memories of the time I attempted it. Like I said...the cause is too real. Whether you're a survivor, or a supporter it's so important to open our eyes because child abuse is never-ending. I always remind myself that I am a survivor, not a victim. 

There are moments where I look back at the time in my life when it all started, and how long it took for me to heal.  Times when I'll look at myself in the mirror, and say to myself I made it. I'm 43, and I made it. It seems surreal at times because of the way my life is right now. Moments when I say to myself that I found a life that is too good to be true. 

Therefore it's important to wear the stitch in a place that will remind me of how hard it took for me to get over the fear of opening up publicly 32 years later about my abuse. A place where I will be reminded of the strength it took to make it this far in life without turning into a complete mess. 

A place where it will never fade way...just like my story. 

These small matchbox kits has a red stitch sticker inside of them, and I decided to stick it on one of my journals to remind me of survival and strength. 

I love it, and boy does it feel empowering! 

With it being a new year it is my hope that more of us will come forward, and be unafraid to speak of any sexual abuse we may have endured. So that the healing process can be begin, because if I made it...so can you! 

Love to all. xxxooo

Depression Is Real.

I never thought I'd ever write anything that deals with mental illness but here I am. After learning about Robin Williams death by suicide and how depression played a major role throughout his life... it clicked. 

Depression is real. 

And it can even affect the ones who always seemed happy, and made the whole world laugh.

That was Robin Williams. 

I felt inspired to express my thoughts, and feelings about mental illness, and how this truly is something serious, and damaging to someones well being. This news was indeed a shock to me. This was a man who in many ways kept the world laughing, and in good spirits. I was obsessively reading post after post, status after status, and reading all the quotes, and pictures that everyone was putting out there on the net, and then it hit me. I literally began to cry. To me he wasn't just Robin Williams the comedian, and famous actor. This was a person who like many of us had issues. Issues that dealt with depression. This was also someone who kept me sane throughout my childhood years. Growing up in the 80's and 90's I watched so many of his movies, and watching Mork and Mindy every week helped me get through the toughest times throughout my youth. Especially the time when I was going through my own kind of hurt and pain that someone else was giving me in my own home. 

After reading about depression and bipolar disorders, and listening to this talk by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland this past spring really made me think even deeper into this mental disease. Coming to terms about it is not a walk in the park, and those who suffer from it are not faking it. 

Like childhood abuse there's that stigma about mental illness. For some it's hard to talk about it, or to let others know about it. As far as I know Robin Williams was an advocate for addiction, & mental illness, and full of talent who was comical and always seemed so cheerful. It really made me think twice about my well-being and the fact that many of us mask our darkest fears by putting on a "happy face", and an "acting as if" attitude portraying that everything is hunky dory when deep down there's that dark struggle with the deepest pain that's lingering inside.

I have to admit that there are days when I feel that dark cloud hovering over me on the days when I'm most vulnerable. Whether it was the time I had my firstborn child, the sudden job loss, or something simple as missing my family, and friends that live across the country because I feel as if  the friends I have here aren't enough. There are times when I'll even catch myself crying for no reason especially when times get tough and then I quickly snap out of it. Luckily I have a husband and kids who love me too much that they'll find ways to cheer me up. And most of the time it helps. Joy is fleeting, and so i choose to surround myself with it, & when I surround myself with "constant joy" my world is a whole lot better! 

I think of my friends who seriously battle with deep, deep depression, and wish to God that there was something I can do to help them take away their pain. But in all honesty it's up to them. It's up to them to fight, and hang on. To not think that the world would be better without them. To strive harder to find that light that can cover the darkness, and pray your heart out that it won't last. 

At one point I felt that I was suffering from a depression disorder. After the childhood abuse I experienced as a child, and my suicide attempt at the age of 16, and all that I went through up until the age of 20 I wondered if there was something seriously wrong with me. I would always go hot and cold, and even after I married Jon we we're always fighting, and man did I have a lot of anger in me back then. There were times when I would seriously bang my head against the wall & throw myself onto the ground   because I was still in so much pain. Seriously, hard to believe huh? Well...it happened. I often wondered why I was so messed up, and I realized that I needed counseling for everything that I went through in my childhood years. Even after converting my life to God, and His church I was still a mess. Not as much, but it was my choice to want to get help. To not want to inflict pain on myself or my daughter. My husband, who is the most patient man I know, who knows absolutely everything about me, (and I mean everything) tells me that I'm a fighter, and a survivor. That even though I may cry, and stay up until 4 in the morning, and not sleep well,  that I don't wallow in my sadness. That I eventually fight, and get over it. Why he says...because I surround myself with constant joy. And I truly believe that is the answer that alleviates any depression for myself. 

Many of us have bouts of depression and it's okay. It's okay to want to cry, and everyone has damper days. I have many of those, and I'm grateful that my depression never required medication. I have never, ever been on any medication, and I personally never want to be on it. But when you're constantly having suicidal thoughts, sleeping way too much that you can't even get out of bed to work, or tend to your kids, and wallowing with worry all the time, it's time to seek  professional help & possibly rely on medication. 

Because doing it by yourself is not enough. 

I know this to be true because I myself finally sought counseling at the age of 22 for the abuse I endured as a youth, as well as my suicide attempt that caused me to get into a depressed mode. It helped me in many ways, and I consider myself pretty lucky. I don't know what the Lord had in store for me then, or now for me to be able to cope with all that I've endured in the 42 years of my life, but I know that he helped my depression not get so deep. I know that my depression could have gotten so bad, and I believe that it still can, but in many ways I fight it. 

Because depression is a liar. 

And again...I strive to surround myself with constant joy. I fought it throughout my childhood, through the first 10 years of my marriage, and in some ways I continue to fight it today. 

Because I choose.  

I choose to continue to live, raise my children, have joy, and fight this thing called life with the help of my Heavenly Father. It was a choice I made to not want to live with those demons inside, and to free me from those dark days in my childhood that were still lingering in my 20's. I won't lie, and they're still there hiding waiting to come out, but I don't allow them to scar me forever. I won't let it. I have to precious of a life to ruin it. I am able to talk about my abuse now, and all that I went through as a youth with my head held up high. Again...I know depression is real, and by the grace of God he continues to help me through any bouts of it. I may not have it as severe as others, or not at all, but I know this. I get depressed, and I'm not ashamed. I'm not always this "look at what me and my family are doing today, we are so happy person." 90 percent I am, but I'll tell you I have to fight, have faith in God, and pray those demons away.  I pray that those dark days won't escalate as I get older with all that life throws at us on a daily basis, and if they do, I pray my heart out that I'll be able to handle it. I pray that my husband's words will never grow weary or be jinxed when he says to me...you are different, and quickly snap out of it, you're a fighter babe.

Because the day we take our own life, is the day we allowed that mental illness to beat every fiber of our being. And we are worth more than that! 

So...to those of you who have this struggle, don't give up! 

And to Robin Williams...you were my solace in my darkest days for so many years from the time I was 9 years old up until now! You will always continue to humor me with your talent until the day I die. You inspired me through your passion in making the whole world smile, and had the greatest gift of laughter known to man. You made a difference in this world! God bless you! Keep smiling, and hope to meet you in the next life! Nanu, Nanu....

Even in laughter the heart may be in pain, And the end of joy may be grief.’ – Proverbs 14:13.