Friday, April 24, 2015

Thoughts On My Little Boy Growing Up.

This past Monday I sobbed all kinds of tears, and I'm talking on, and off all day long! I hated it because I ended up with a massive headache. I couldn't help but to let all my tears out as I was sitting looking out the window of the house that we have lived in for the past seven years where I remember Noah as a toddler playing outside, and going for walks.  My mind was filled in disbelief with flashbacks of him, and his sisters. He interrupted my thoughts (which was probably good), and saw that I had tears. I began to sob even harder as I hugged him. He immediately asked me, "are you okay mommy? Why you crying? You miss Sierra?" Clearly that was not the case, and although I do miss Sierra being around I was crying because my baby boy....
^^^ one month old ^^^
is now a little boy. 
^^^ five ^^^
Noah's kindergarten orientation was this week, and it was so surreal. I had all kinds of mixed emotions inside of me. Pride, fear, joy, and elation. Although I know he'll be okay I couldn't help but to think that I'm going to feel so alone! See...every five years I've always had a kid, and whenever I've sent off a child to Kindergarten I've always been pregnant, and let me tell you something you guys it felt weird that day taking Noah to orientation without a belly. 
I'll miss the constant feeling of cuddling with him in the mornings before we start our day, making lunches for him, venturing out to unknown territory, taking him to the playground, going to the beach, and five below to pick out a cheap toy. This "being a stay at home mom stuff" for the past 15 years has been a pretty good setting for me, and now...I have no idea how I'm going to use my time once he's in school. Luckily it's half-day kindergarten, but still those three hours can seem like an eternity. Although I won't be raising anymore babies my kids will always keep me busy, but I know there will be moments wondering what to do with my time. I think Noah is already preparing me for that. 

There are times when Noah will be taking a nap (which is extremely rare), wanting to play by himself with his legos, dinosaurs, and Optimus Prime. He's growing up, and is able to be entertain himself without me interfering. 

But I don't let him. 

I'll give him his space, but then I'll intervene on whatever he's doing and say "let's go for a walk, and ride your scooter", or "let's paint a picture together." He'll oblige, and we end up doing just

There are moments when I'll  joke around with the kids, and quote the father from My Big Fat Greek Wedding, and say, "why you want to leave me?" It's jokes like that which keep me sane, and even though I'm getting used to Sierra being gone I still have my moments of missing her. As each season goes by the kids get taller, more vocal, smarter, and independent. Not something I'm used to especially when it comes to my little boy. Time is fleeting, and all I want to do is hang on to my son's youth. Wishing to run into a spring that he can drink from that will prevent him from growing up. Then again, after watching Tuck Everlasting I don't think I want to put any of my kids through that or myself because I'd want them to live a long life. So as each day passes I hang on to the happiest moments. I don't want to reflect on anything negative. This is what happens when you're nearing your mid 40's, and realizing that you may not have any more children. You just don't want to concentrate on anything that brings negativity in your life. The small, simple things such as Noah picking a wildflower for me on our walk, and your daughters randomly coming up to give you a big hug can become a pretty big deal, and I want to cherish those moments forever. With the weather being beautiful lately (in spite of the cold wind and rain...c'mon spring!) we have taken advantage of our time together. I soak it in, and wait for the sun to shine so that Noah and I can go play outside. 

Waiting for Chelsea to come home makes it more interesting, and although she loves school she's getting a touch of "summer fever".  I don't think it helps seeing all the fun things that Noah and I have done without her, but lately she's been uttering words such as, "awe...he looks so cute" and "did he have fun?" She doesn't sound too jealous anymore, and that is another sign that proves to me that she is also maturing. She'll be in middle school before I know it!

Let's not forget about Lexie who makes time fly even faster!! Her high school graduation will arrive quickly too! 

Ahh..the "mama" turmoil that we as mothers go through. Isn't it all worth it though? 

I know three hours of school isn't enough, but once he's in first grade that'll be a different story! He'll be there all day, and then I"m really going to have to figure out what to do with my time. 

My sister constantly tells me to utilize my journals/blog and make it into a book. I can also go back to school (if I have the desire because right now my kids come first), and of course...work. I sure have experienced a lot throughout my life, and maybe publishing a book in my future would be something that I would like to do. Who knows.   

Life goes on, and kids grow up. No matter how old my girls are, I will saturate them with love by holding them in my arms. Not too easy to give hugs and kisses  with my oldest being away, but having three left at home gives me a lot of moments to do just that.

Especially with this little guy. 
Every moment of being a stay at home mom, and raising babies has been so worth it. 

Just watch this video.  It'll  give you a whole different perspective on raising kids & being a parent! 

Have  a wonderful weekend, and enjoy spending time with your kiddos! They're only little once! 


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