The Shore Brings Constant Joy.

Going to the beach the other day was the perfect remedy to the week I had, and is always the answer to the stresses of life. Not that I stress a lot, but seriously...with Robin Williams death, and the rain that we've had lately really brought me down. Even though he wasn't someone I knew personally, he was someone that my heart connected with in laughter, and escape. His escape from his depression was making us laugh, and my escape from all bad things that were surrounding me throughout my childhood was watching him on a 19 inch black and white television set laughing my head off  to  his character of Mork. Some of y'all may be laughing while reading this, and voicing how he was just another celebrity who took his own life, but to me he was a big deal in my world (including my family's.) And the way that he left the world saddened me, but life goes on. And after the rain forms a beautiful rainbow, and to me that is a reminder from the divine telling me that life is good. Having my little boy running towards me, and clinging on to me every time a wave would crash into his tiny body testifies to me that I am his safety guard. His solace. The one he'll run to when something scares him, or freaks him out. The one who always wants me to be there every time he tries something new. The one who wants me to see that he discovered his own footprints in the sand. And that even though they wash away he can make those footprints reappear. And just like that we can come back from having a stressful day and revert it into one of the most happiest, and meaningful days of our life. 

This day at the beach was so unique. So unique that the waves were pretty massive! In all the times we've ever been to the beaches around the jersey shore I've never seen them so high, and "fluffy". It was a perfect day for anyone who loves to surf. 

I was sitting from a distance watching the waves & it was so neat to see three rows of them coming together as if they were steps, and to see the sky turning into a different color as the sun was setting was absolutely beautiful! 

There were other people who were standing close to the water just as Noah and I were in the picture above just staring at them. I can see that I'm not the only being in this world who comes here to escape, and be surrounded by this kind of joy. Watching and listening to the waves was so RELAXING! I love it here! If I lived even 20 minutes away I'd be here everyday just to sit and listen to the waves crashing. So to those of you who live right across the "sand" from a beach I sure hope you're taking advantage of it because I'd trade places with you any day!

The beach is truly one of my joys.

Living an hour away from the beach is such a blessing, and I'm so grateful we make the time to go. The kids always, always have a blast when we come. Even though they are content to go in our little backyard to splash and play in their little blue pool, the look on their faces when I tell them that we are going to the beach today instead is a kodak moment. One that will be etched in my mind for always.

And now for some photos. I didn't take too many as I was too busy inhaling God's beautiful creation. Lexie was a fanatic at taking pics too!

 ^^^ Digging for treasure and attempting to build a sand castle is always a must before anything else. ^^^

 ^^^ Then comes playing in the water. ^^^

 ^^^ I spy a surfer dude. ^^^

 ^^^ These two are longing to learn how to surf. ^^^

 ^^^ How about a double high five for the waves that we're getting! ^^^

We could have been here all night. So thankful for this day, and for the strength that I have in having faith in myself to know that there is so much to live for, and have constant joy for this thing called life. It's awesome, and I wouldn't jeopardize it for anything in the world. I love myself, and I love my family! 

Hope y'all have a wonderful weekend! 

Depression Is Real.

I never thought I'd ever write anything that deals with mental illness but here I am. After learning about Robin Williams death by suicide and how depression played a major role throughout his life... it clicked. 

Depression is real. 

And it can even affect the ones who always seemed happy, and made the whole world laugh.

That was Robin Williams. 

I felt inspired to express my thoughts, and feelings about mental illness, and how this truly is something serious, and damaging to someones well being. This news was indeed a shock to me. This was a man who in many ways kept the world laughing, and in good spirits. I was obsessively reading post after post, status after status, and reading all the quotes, and pictures that everyone was putting out there on the net, and then it hit me. I literally began to cry. To me he wasn't just Robin Williams the comedian, and famous actor. This was a person who like many of us had issues. Issues that dealt with depression. This was also someone who kept me sane throughout my childhood years. Growing up in the 80's and 90's I watched so many of his movies, and watching Mork and Mindy every week helped me get through the toughest times throughout my youth. Especially the time when I was going through my own kind of hurt and pain that someone else was giving me in my own home. 

After reading about depression and bipolar disorders, and listening to this talk by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland this past spring really made me think even deeper into this mental disease. Coming to terms about it is not a walk in the park, and those who suffer from it are not faking it. 

Like childhood abuse there's that stigma about mental illness. For some it's hard to talk about it, or to let others know about it. As far as I know Robin Williams was an advocate for addiction, & mental illness, and full of talent who was comical and always seemed so cheerful. It really made me think twice about my well-being and the fact that many of us mask our darkest fears by putting on a "happy face", and an "acting as if" attitude portraying that everything is hunky dory when deep down there's that dark struggle with the deepest pain that's lingering inside.

I have to admit that there are days when I feel that dark cloud hovering over me on the days when I'm most vulnerable. Whether it was the time I had my firstborn child, the sudden job loss, or something simple as missing my family, and friends that live across the country because I feel as if  the friends I have here aren't enough. There are times when I'll even catch myself crying for no reason especially when times get tough and then I quickly snap out of it. Luckily I have a husband and kids who love me too much that they'll find ways to cheer me up. And most of the time it helps. Joy is fleeting, and so i choose to surround myself with it, & when I surround myself with "constant joy" my world is a whole lot better! 

I think of my friends who seriously battle with deep, deep depression, and wish to God that there was something I can do to help them take away their pain. But in all honesty it's up to them. It's up to them to fight, and hang on. To not think that the world would be better without them. To strive harder to find that light that can cover the darkness, and pray your heart out that it won't last. 

At one point I felt that I was suffering from a depression disorder. After the childhood abuse I experienced as a child, and my suicide attempt at the age of 16, and all that I went through up until the age of 20 I wondered if there was something seriously wrong with me. I would always go hot and cold, and even after I married Jon we we're always fighting, and man did I have a lot of anger in me back then. There were times when I would seriously bang my head against the wall & throw myself onto the ground   because I was still in so much pain. Seriously, hard to believe huh? Well...it happened. I often wondered why I was so messed up, and I realized that I needed counseling for everything that I went through in my childhood years. Even after converting my life to God, and His church I was still a mess. Not as much, but it was my choice to want to get help. To not want to inflict pain on myself or my daughter. My husband, who is the most patient man I know, who knows absolutely everything about me, (and I mean everything) tells me that I'm a fighter, and a survivor. That even though I may cry, and stay up until 4 in the morning, and not sleep well,  that I don't wallow in my sadness. That I eventually fight, and get over it. Why he says...because I surround myself with constant joy. And I truly believe that is the answer that alleviates any depression for myself. 

Many of us have bouts of depression and it's okay. It's okay to want to cry, and everyone has damper days. I have many of those, and I'm grateful that my depression never required medication. I have never, ever been on any medication, and I personally never want to be on it. But when you're constantly having suicidal thoughts, sleeping way too much that you can't even get out of bed to work, or tend to your kids, and wallowing with worry all the time, it's time to seek  professional help & possibly rely on medication. 

Because doing it by yourself is not enough. 

I know this to be true because I myself finally sought counseling at the age of 22 for the abuse I endured as a youth, as well as my suicide attempt that caused me to get into a depressed mode. It helped me in many ways, and I consider myself pretty lucky. I don't know what the Lord had in store for me then, or now for me to be able to cope with all that I've endured in the 42 years of my life, but I know that he helped my depression not get so deep. I know that my depression could have gotten so bad, and I believe that it still can, but in many ways I fight it. 

Because depression is a liar. 

And again...I strive to surround myself with constant joy. I fought it throughout my childhood, through the first 10 years of my marriage, and in some ways I continue to fight it today. 

Because I choose.  

I choose to continue to live, raise my children, have joy, and fight this thing called life with the help of my Heavenly Father. It was a choice I made to not want to live with those demons inside, and to free me from those dark days in my childhood that were still lingering in my 20's. I won't lie, and they're still there hiding waiting to come out, but I don't allow them to scar me forever. I won't let it. I have to precious of a life to ruin it. I am able to talk about my abuse now, and all that I went through as a youth with my head held up high. Again...I know depression is real, and by the grace of God he continues to help me through any bouts of it. I may not have it as severe as others, or not at all, but I know this. I get depressed, and I'm not ashamed. I'm not always this "look at what me and my family are doing today, we are so happy person." 90 percent I am, but I'll tell you I have to fight, have faith in God, and pray those demons away.  I pray that those dark days won't escalate as I get older with all that life throws at us on a daily basis, and if they do, I pray my heart out that I'll be able to handle it. I pray that my husband's words will never grow weary or be jinxed when he says to me...you are different, and quickly snap out of it, you're a fighter babe.

Because the day we take our own life, is the day we allowed that mental illness to beat every fiber of our being. And we are worth more than that! 

So...to those of you who have this struggle, don't give up! 

And to Robin Williams...you were my solace in my darkest days for so many years from the time I was 9 years old up until now! You will always continue to humor me with your talent until the day I die. You inspired me through your passion in making the whole world smile, and had the greatest gift of laughter known to man. You made a difference in this world! God bless you! Keep smiling, and hope to meet you in the next life! Nanu, Nanu....

Even in laughter the heart may be in pain, And the end of joy may be grief.’ – Proverbs 14:13.

Girls Camp '14

Dropping off Lexie, and seeing all the other young women from our church getting ready to head off to girls camp last week was a beautiful sight to see. I wasn't raised with any of the youth programs in the church because I was 20 when I joined, hence missing out on all the church activities the youth had. So every year when girls camp comes along I get excited for my daughter to attend...and so does she. This year we had a lot of first timers going and I could see the excitement on their faces. I'm sure they had butterflies in their stomach, and even if they did, I certainly didn't notice. 

This year I was so excited knowing that I would attend simply because I am the secretary in the Stake Young Women program, but to no avail (couldn't find a sitter for my two youngest.) I know...bummer huh? Still...that didn't stop me from driving up on the last day of camp along with another sister to attend testimony meeting, and to see if we could somehow jump in and serve. 

Although  it was the last day of camp I felt nothing but a strong spirit of fun, and love among all the young women. These girls range from the ages of 12-18, and observing them in their actions, and words was overwhelming to me. They were all having a good time, singing while eating dinner in the mess hall. I kind of felt like I was in a G scene  (without the males) of Meatballs the movie! I didn't really see anyone looking all miserable, or alone. I even got a "hello", and not one, but two hugs from two young women whom I thought weren't too fond of me. Okay...even it it was the spirit that helped them be polite to me it felt nice knowing that the spirit of Christ is helping them, and they were kind to me even if it was just for that day. 

Attending testimony meeting for the first time at girls camp brought a lot of tears to my eyes. I wished I would have gone to camp when my oldest (she's 19 now) attended, but I never thought to do that. Hearing all the testimonies of these young women were courageous, and some of them really resonated with me. I will never know how it feels to be a teenager, and a mormon with all the beliefs we have, and being the only member in school. These kids have it tough, but are strong. They have to be. I'm so happy for those who hang on and continue to strive each day to stay on that path of righteousness, and even though there will be a lot of ups and downs, there is a way to overcome them, and stay happy. And that is through hanging on to the iron rod of God...with a lot of faith! 

After listening to their testimonies this past weekend, one thing I felt compelled to do was ask a few of our young women via Facebook, and texting what their favorite part of camp was. It was so nice reading their responses, and could feel their love through this great thing called social networking! 

"What was your favorite part of girls camp?" 

"Getting to know my level one girls"-Ashley

"The hike"-Cimmaron

"Catching up with all my friends."-Allyana

"The mini testimony meeting that their level had." -Jade

"The hike & Lehi's dream."-Lexie

"Level time with my girls, and swimming in the pool!"-Randi

"The songs, and swimming in the pool, but not the spiders." -Grace 

"Everyone's spiritual experience at Lehi's dream, and bonding with the girls!" -Talia 

"Forming friendships, and laughing hysterically with the girls!"-Hannah

"Getting to know my level one girls, and having devotional with them every night."-Flor

"Lehi's dream, and the food!"-Lucy

"Lehi's dream, and testimony meeting."-Jasmine

"Lehi's dream. It was amazing how the spirit got to us while we were trying to hold on the rope, and trying to not let   go of the gospel, trying to get to the tree of life!"-Itzelle

"Family home evening with our Bishop on the last day, and being that I am a fourth year, hearing the girls cheering us on coming up from our overnight hike!"-Georgi

What awesome responses! I wish I could have asked this question to all of the 130 young women who attended camp, but I know that they were all spiritually enlightened! 

I'm so pleased with all the young women, and how they all interacted with each other for that one day I was there. Seeing their smiles, and receiving hugs from them felt so good. It made me feel loved, and appreciated, and every one needs hugs today! So grateful for the friendships that my daughter has made with the young women in our ward. Lexie tries so hard to reach out, accept, and love everyone unconditionally. 

I pray many blessing upon these girls with all that they have to look forward to in their futures. I know that by reading their scriptures daily, and developing a stronger relationship with the Lord will strengthen their spirituality, and help them make it in this thing that we sometimes struggle with called...Life. 

I love, love all the young women in the stake including this gem of mine. I have such compassion for everyone. Please know that I'm here for you anytime you need anything! Stay strong in the gospel, seek good things, but most of all...never forget who you are. 

A beautiful daughter (s) of God! 

Happy Monday! 

Blackberry Picking!

Nothing makes me happy than seeing my kids happy, and it's always the simplest of things that do the trick. Looking at this photo with the kids grinning tells me that they were having a good time. Noah seemed a little annoyed that I interrupted his blackberry picking by telling him to get in the picture with me. His little grunt that he makes is a sign telling me (without any back talk), "not now mama." Nonetheless he obliged, and as you can see is smiling up at the sky. 

We drove out to Moods farm yesterday, and for the first time I let him, and Chelsea roam around to pick out the darkest of blackberries on their own. Of course I was supervising from a distance, but still let them have a little bit of freedom. That is until I saw Noah picking the unripened ones! No matter how many times Chelsea and I kept telling him to grab the "black" ones he would still grab the ones that were half red and half dark. He'll get it, and I'm sure next time he'll be better. Chelsea was the same way, and now she is a pro at distinguishing the ones that are ripe from the unripened ones. Last year we came in late July, and I remember the blackberries being super ripe, and not too picked over, but luckily we managed to snatch a few good ones. 

The day was beautiful and sunny, but so very hot. I always manage to forget to bring bottled water, but when the farm is only 20 minutes away you don't really think to do that. I least I don't. These kids are so resilient though, and didn't even think about the warm sun beating on them. They're too busy having fun...and picking. 

We also managed to pick a few nectarines, raspberries, and only picked four peaches. I wasn't in a peachy mood because there have been times where we picked way too many, and they ended up going bad. Besides Noah began stomping on the ground. At first I though he was on the brink of having a meltdown because he had mentioned getting tired at one point, but then I realized that he was stomping on the peaches that had fallen onto the ground! Luckily he wore his boots so that the juices did splash all over his feet had he worn sandals. We picked what we'd eat, and we were satisfied. 

The kids had so much fun today, and it makes me feel good knowing that at the end of every activity, trip, or a simple outing that I'm still pretty good at doing this mama thing in my 40's...especially with a toddler. Summer is definitely a time to bond with family, and these kids have been very good at doing that. There was no bickering, or grumpiness. Just pure happiness, and of course when you have that mixed together with these two our day just goes by so much better.  

Fall season is going to be here before we know it, and when that time comes we'll definitely be back to pick some more peaches, and apples. Now that's the perfect time to be baking (not when it's hot!)

See ya in the fall moods...

and a happy weekend to you! 

Making Time For The Temple.

When we entered the temple this past weekend I immediately felt the weight of the world lifted off of my shoulders. It's kind of the same feeling as if going on vacation somewhere where there is no noise, and just beauty all around. Kind of like Yellowstone, Zions National park, or Frio River (had to add that in for my Texas peeps.) There's no noise, but you hear, and see all of God's beautiful creations. It's the same feeling in the temple except your indoors surrounded by a lot of light, and quietness! I wonder sometimes if this is what heaven is going to be like.

Happy August!

Having grown up in Texas I was deprived of going to the beach. I think it's because my mom didn't make the time, or even the effort in taking us. We were only an hour away from it, but if you wanted to go to the major beaches we had to drive for about four hours to Galveston! Yeah...I think I can understand why back in the day my mama wouldn't take us. Still...it would have been nice, but I'm sure our circumstances back then were a little screwy, and the beach just wasn't a priority to her. However, I do remember my grandparents taking us to Cole Park in Corpus Christi, but it turned out to be more of a holiday thing. They would only take us over Easter weekend. I still felt that wasn't enough because I never got to experience the whole beach thing until I was in my teens! You know...putting on sunscreen, wearing a nice swimsuit, splashing in the waves, chasing seagulls, picking up seashells, and just sitting down for hours soaking up the sun. Memories of Cole Park with my grandparents began to fade until I began taking Sierra, and Lexie to visit my mom when they were little. Luckily taking them reminded me of that moment because truly, that was one memory where I longed to be...at Cole Park overlooking the ocean in a parked car eating hard boiled eggs with salt. No really...it was a simple gesture that my grandparents did for us, and whether it was done out of obligation or love, I made the best out of those trips, and they were pretty gratifying to me.  

I was indeed sheltered in a life where I experienced a whole lot of nothing. Sure there was some joy in my life leading up until the age of eight such as rollerskating at the church across the street from the house I grew up in, taking walks in the old neighborhood, and also going to Dick Kleberg park playing until 10pm, but it seems as if I wanted more. More time spent with my mother, and even my grandparents. Now that I'm older I've realized that because of those simple memories that even the smallest gestures truly are the joys of life.

I'm so grateful that I changed that for my kids, and believe that's why no matter where we've lived we have always made an effort to go to the beach, and I always make an effort to drive long distances to unknown territories. Whether we drove 15 hours from Salt Lake City, Utah to Cannon Beach in Oregon, and then all the way up to Vancouver B.C. to experience being out of the country.  Three hours from Fayetteville to Wilmington Beach, and five hours to the Outer Banks in North Carolina. We once even drove five hours from NC to Jekyll Island in Georgia just because the beach there was so nice (we also returned home on the same day!) We'd also eat at Whataburger too which was a bonus and the only one in our neck of the woods! 

There are too many times to count as to how many times we've gone to the beach so far since moving to New Jersey. Whether it's fall, winter, spring, or summer driving only ONE hour to the beach is awesome! And we are surrounded by so many! This summer I believe we have broken the record of going more than any other summer. 

So here we are again at the shore for the umpteenth time, and this time we brought along some friends. The last time we went to the beach with them was two summers ago! Wow! It doesn't even seem that long! So if you like my musings, and my pictures here are a few photos from our day at the beach on our first weekend in August! 

^^^ Kids having fun in the water. ^^^

^^^ Always a happy boy when it comes to the beach...just like his mama! ^^^

^^^ This is what giddy looks like. ^^^

^^^ Waiting for the tide. ^^^

^^^ Giggling kids...& Lauren's leg! ^^^

^^^ Lauren & Chelsea BFF ^^^

^^^ Smooches selfie ^^^

I neglected to add that it did rain while we were there. These weather forecasts can be so unpredictable so how did I now it was going to pour for a bit. That cloud was slow to move, but even though we got rained on we all made the best of this trip....

and these girls didn't seem to mind one bit! 

Happy Monday! 

Goodbye July.

There are about six weeks of summer left, and I feel as if we need more time to spend together. Sure venturing out to places as a family is fun and all, but there are those simple moments that happen in the comforts of your own home. One thing I am extremely grateful for is the fact that school doesn't resume until after Labor day so yes...I believe we will have more time to have more adventures. I have become a real fan of summer this year which is strange because I have always mentioned how fall is my favorite, but summer is beginning to surpass autumn just a little, and I have been loving my summers. I am not ready for the kids to go back to school yet. I know some parents will say, "I'm so ready for summer to be over", or "Can't wait until school starts". I am surprised at myself that I haven't uttered those words. No matter how many times I play referee to Chelsea and Noah I  have loved having them home. I know that those moments of annoying each other will pass, and that the love part eventually always comes in. Especially when they're being creative, and having fun. 

I grammed quite a few photos that didn't make into the blog, or even on Facebook (which I'm hardly ever on), so I've decided to make a collage of what's happened throughout the month of July. I really wish all of my Facebook friends would post more on Instagram (or get an instagram) so that they can keep up with our current events, and vice versa. 

So far our summer has included a lot of reading, yoga, and movie watching. Naps (lots of them), story time with papa, and a lot of moments in our little backyard with our little blue pool. Bubble blowing, firefly catching (an old school favorite of mine), swinging at the park, and picnics. Little BBQ's in our tiny smokey joe, making smores, experiencing Chuck E Cheese for the first time in like a decades, and a game of loteria (because we're Spanish) to name a few. Beach trips, temple trips, and road trips including driving to upstate New York to see the Hill Cumorah pageant which is always a highlight of our summers. Brooklyn, Philly, and NYC are a must in the summertime too! Oh...and food! Lots, and lots of yummy food (including ice cream & yogurt shops) to eat!  I count my blessings everyday knowing that each day is a new day, and boy did each day in July fly by so fast! I'm so thankful for both the temporal and spiritual moments of our summer so far, and look forward to many more in August. But for now...I leave you with an overload of iPhone pictures from my overused Instagram account! 

Summers are always good to us, but this one has been a little different, but extra special. Call me sentimental, but I think it's because it's the first one we haven't had Sierra around. We have missed her terribly, and continue to miss her. Like all our kids she added her own ingredient to the mix. Life changes everyday, and the older my children get the more I appreciate things, and make the best out of every situation. Summer has treated us so good so far, and we look forward to many more outings, and simple pleasures in August. Hope y'all continue to have a wonderful summer, and that y'all have an amazing weekend! 

See ya July!