Thursday, June 18, 2015


After asking my sister the other day about the throwback posts I've been writing specifically about this one, (and future posts), if I should take it to the next level as to writing the nitty gritty of some parts of my life. She advised me to save the brutal honesty for when I publish a book (and she emphasized "publish a book") She must really have a lot of faith in me that I can do it! Anyway, after thinking, and figuring out as to how to write depictions behind certain photos I have to agree with her, and I'm just going to write a few facts pertaining to the story. 

Once Noah starts school I will have at least three hours to seriously utilize all of my journals including some of my blog posts, and perhaps writing a memoir about my conversion to the Lord, and all that I endured as a child, throughout my marriage, and about motherhood. It may take me two, five, 10, heck I don't know, years to put it all together, and hopefully in good taste, but we'll see how this goes. Again...I hope that my short stories will keep you interested, and yearning for more, and that somehow they will inspire you.

^^^ I honestly don't know how far along i was in this photo...probably 12 plus weeks. ^^^ 

The first time we moved from Utah to San Antonio in 1999 I was unexpectedly pregnant with my second daughter Lexie. I had no idea I was expecting, and here I was moving furniture, lifting heavy boxes, cleaning, and doing all kinds of strenuous work. Luckily Lexie was born healthy, and strong and only a week early. 

She was my blessing while living in San Antonio.

The time we moved from Utah we weren't very active in the church. I know...go figure. Here I am living in a Mormon populated state while being wishy washy attending Thomas S. Monson's home ward. Anyway, the minute we moved to Texas we hit a rocky part as a married couple with another child on the way. Being pregnant with Lexie I have to tell you was a blessing because truthfully...she turned my life around. She was the beginning of my return to activity within the church as well as the reason why I chose on my own volition to get my act together, so that I can get to the temple, and be a forever family with her father, and sister. 

Living in San Antonio for those short 10 months was a blessing for me, and even though there were a lot of hiccups, and downright ugly moments there was also a new baby, an awesome visiting teacher who helped me remember that the church was true, a patient husband, an amazing relief society president (i will always remember you Leslie), and an awesome bishopric (Brother Becker you were always so kind just like your wife) who would often come by to visit us, and finally...the trials. Trials that woke us up to reality that strengthened us at that present time. 

As I reflect back on this part of my life I recognized why we might have had those ugly moments. See...being a faithful member of the church brings a lot of blessings when you do what's right, and I noticed that when we weren't attending church faithfully, paying an honest tithe, or expressing any Christ like attributes there were a myriad of obstacles.

For instance I was in a minor car accident with Sierra. Inclement weather caused me to hydroplane while getting off the ramp. To be honest I remember driving down the ramp a little too fast. Luckily we both left unscathed. 

An incident that is way to personal to write about right now.

And...a mugging. 

In the second week of Lexie's life I recall worrying and fearing the worst when Jon didn't come home in time from work. He was working for Rent-A-Center on Austin highway where in my opinion is not considered a safe area after a certain hour. Because of the 20 minute commute he would normally come home close to 10pm, but then 10pm turned to 10:45pm, and 10:45 turned to 11:15. We didn't have cell phones back then so I finally called the store to see what was holding him up, but to no avail. I began to pray my heart out to God that he was safe, and that nothing had happened to him. I was cuddling Lexie so tight. She truly was my solace for that moment while Sierra was sleeping soundly in her room. I continued to call, and that's when I noticed the headlights of our car pulling into the carport of our apartment. It was close to midnight when he finally came home. He didn't immediately get out. He just sat there which seemed like an eternity. He was looking down at something. I didn't motion him to come inside, or run outside to yell, "where the hell were you?" I just waited for him to come in and explain as to why he was so late. 

Well, he was mugged. 

Reason why he was looking down was he had been looking inside his wallet to make sure he had his I.D. and credit card. That's why he was sitting in the car for a while. He wanted to make sure all his credentials were in tact. Sad thing was that he didn't even have any money, and luckily these muggers were not very violent. He was sucker punched a couple of times, but overall he wasn't badly injured. Just a couple of bruises on his stomach, but nothing that an ice pack can fix. I did tell him though to never, ever take the trash out late at night. Do it in the morning or the next day! He was very lucky. 

Anyway, I was so ready to move out of San Antonio after that incident, and on a whim we decided to move back to Utah in hopes that all our problems would go away, but that's never the case. Problems will always follow you, and that's when I realized that it was up to me to find a resolve as to why I was never stable living in one place, and always wanting to escape whenever a problem occurred. I also knew that somehow I had to get rid of that inner darkness that was clouding all the goodness I knew I had inside of me.  

Little by little I began to find solutions to my problems, but ended up moving back to Utah, and even though things were a little bit better up there I still had issues. Issues that were never resolved the first time I moved to Utah. Repressed issues (boy was my hubby patient with me) i had been harboring since childhood which was causing so much hurt, and anger in my life. And everything we endured in the ten months of living in San Antonio was one of the trials we had to go through to strengthen us as a couple while our children grew. 
^^^  in my last trimester, and with my four year old Sierra. ^^^
In those short ten months of living in San Antonio I learned so much. I had a better understanding of pure love after having Lexie, and developed an even deeper love for Sierra. The Christ like kind. In all honesty, I didn't want anymore children after having Sierra. She was supposed to be it. My number one, and only. But obviously God had other plans for me, and along with that trial Jon went through he gave us a beautiful blessing in the most beautiful disguise which was Lexie. One that was going to be the beginning of my truest conversion to God that would eventually lead me to the temple to become eternal with my family. One that would teach me what real compassion is all about. One that would constantly look me in the eye as I nursed Lexie glaring at me as if she's saying, "hang in there mama, everything is going to be okay."

But deep down inside my heart it really wasn't. I was still suffocating inside.

We finally moved back to Utah when she was two months old, and not even a year later we were back in the  Lone star state. 

For two more years. 

See...I still  had issues.

But it got better. 

And that is another story. 

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