20 Years of My Life In 13 Journals.

As I was reflecting back on my 13 journals that I have written since my conversion on May 3, 1992 it amazes me how much I've changed, and have strived to do my best in growing up to be a devout member of the church. It also amazes me on how quick you can let your guard down, and "forget" about the strength that led you into becoming a strong member of the church.

There were also moments in which I couldn't remember certain instances that took place. That's when I realized how grateful I am for journals! I was in shock in a few of the things I wrote about even after joining the church. Good, and disappointing. Mostly good. I am not as brutal & negative on my blog as I am in writing in my journal.

The first two years of being a member I wrote an entry on how much I wanted to serve a mission just like the sisters that taught me did. That never happened. I ended up getting married. I also wrote about transferring my credits from the college I attended in Texas to the university I wanted to attend in Utah. That also didn't happen...I chose to date, have fun, and eventually get married. To this day I have no regrets!

Reading all my journals for the past week has been an eye opener, a reminder, and a challenge in the desire to do better, and endure to the end. To not repeat the same mistakes, and to strongly have faith in believing that all of things that I wrote will inspire me, and my children to do better.

I am extremely grateful in the gift of handwriting, and for keeping a journal for the past 20 years of my life. If I could put all of these journals, and compile them together...I think it could make a great story.

I keep a journal to strengthen me, and to help me remember in hopes that when I look back I can feel that I corrected any mistakes I have done. To remember how that one moment helped me to become a stronger person. To write out my feelings, and ask the Lord for forgiveness for being too honest about whatever it was that bothered me in that moment on that day. To jot down solutions in how I can better my attitude towards others, my family, and myself. Keeping a journal helps me to reflect back and to remember on how much I have changed. My writing may be different to how someone else writes, and we all write about different things. I hope that my posterity will read my journals with tears of joy, lots of chuckling and say things like "Wow!", "oh man!", "awww", "how sad", "what a trial", "she sure was a strong woman with a lot of faith", "I'm just like her", "I can't believe she did that!", "how many returned missionaries?", "awesome!"

So far in the first few journals Sierra has read she has been really impressed. She has also laughed & had faces that went from joyful to sadness. She said to me that she can see why I mother her the way that I do. Why I can be super strict in certain areas of her life. Why I am the way that I am today. She respected me even more and at that moment I gave thanks to my Heavenly Father in giving me the talent of habitual writing to continue to write about my life, and everything that goes on in between the good and sad. It is crucial for me to keep a journal not only for me, but for my future posterity. I have no idea who my ancestors are or why my grandparents reacted the way they did towards me, my mom, and my sister. I know that if my mother had kept a journal I would have a better understanding as to who they really were, and why my mom endured so much heartache. If only my ancestors kept a journal.

Converting to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints has been a blessing in my life. A blessing to me that burns immensely in the core of my soul. A blessing in which I know is true because no matter how hard times became... I have never given up on the love that I have for God, or the truth that comes from reading the gospel. A blessing in which I realized the importance of journals. How grateful I am that I began to start a journal on the day that I was cleansed from sin. How grateful I am for my dear friend, and sister missionary who gave me my first journal as a baptism gift.

Thank you again Stacie for your friendship and example in being a righteous missionary, and in keeping our friendship strong after 20 years. I have been writing and will continue to do so as long as my fingers let me!